So with all that's going on-I'm seriously thinking i might fly down to my brothers in TX for Thanksgiving-just fly thu am and return friday...it doesn't cost me a penny to travel because of my benefits, and flights don't look bad.
I'm just really needing to be around my family right now with all that's going on.

BF is not a planner at all, and the plans to his parents are all 'iffy in the air' as usual...he knows my parents are out of town and my brother/sil are w/her family. I have no $ to make a dinner at home...i could ask ex if he wants to have them if he has plans but as of yesterday he wasnt sure. At least we'd have a good meal at my brothers.

I missed him like crazy yesterday-he did too...of course he bragged how SD won the game for the team w/her goal...
they wanted to come watch the walking dead, i told him i was in a bad mood but if the thought it would be low key to come over for a cpl hrs. No different...sd starts instigating wrestling w/the boys -finally they calmed down to watch movie..I had already grabbed sofa before they came over so him/i can sit together-so she takes waht normally is my youngest sons spot AND the dog of course. Towards the end my oldest starts getting annoying w/me-put his foot up tapping my arm-I told him loud and clear NO, I'm with Kyle right now I haven't seen him in two days so give us some space please. He does...but not 60 sec later when show finishes she gets up and gets on other end of sofa and lays her head on his lap sucking her thumb...gahhhh, I get up and go in my room and slam the door. Of course she then instigates a late night tag game, to which I start yelling and they left.

He was hoping she might snooze off-i'd send boys to bed and we could have a few intimate moments-didn't happen-i huffed and said, well maybe we can pencil in next week (hint-when she's gone)...I also huffed about 'one big happy family' about him going to games and all the ex's family and ex there. He at some point tells me he might want to coach next year...WTF???? Even MORE time away for SD.

He knows i'm pouting because we NEVER get intimate when she's visiting...and of course she TELLS me that she's there till thursday...and thu afternoon is going to coachs' house and their her moms family...but then of COURSE she's coming back to bf's parents so of course that means she's staying till Friday.
I don't know that I can do this anymore-why is it HE can make visitation plans that dont' include me at all even though they affect me and our relationship all the time?

Then damn it i'm going to start making plans w/out consulting HIM at all and doing my own damn thing.

This is headed towards the end I think-i can't do this..i dont' have it in me-i can't bond, i dislike her, i can't stand all the time/energy drained every time she's aroudn or the drama surrounding her/bm/bf/his parents.

I watched how he was cooking a snack for them that he brought-all the kids and him in the kitchen and for a moment it felt so nice to watch them, and I kept feeling sad -how come i can't enjoy a 'family moment'...my resentment is huge, i don't like who I am now, i'm not this angry/jealous/resentful/bitter person-how did it get this bad?

I can certainly not have her at my house and i have most of this time-but then i dont' see him at all. He's focused on being dad of the year now, and he can't multitask being a good father and boyfriend.

I dont' want to start over, i'm too old, too many things against me to find a good guy, childless guy, i dont' want to be alone either, i love him, but i'm miserable unhappy because of SD and BM and his catering to them. I want out and I don't also....i think another 8 yrs of this crap? It might be 3yrs before realistically we can marry....i want a family now. To start over? For my kids to be torn again from the only stability they know-what if a new guy hates them? At least he loves them and they love him, and he loves me and i love him...and thats hard to find.

I'm not sure disengaging is working for me-somewhat...but again just a cpl hrs at my house and i woke up this am super early w/racing angry thoughts in my head towards him and sd. I'm so stuck....