I don't know what's going on w/me...if it's a bad case of pms or I'm seriously getting depressed again. I've been having crying jags that last few weeks....this last week and last couple days it's been worse. I wake up in middle of night crying, morning, random...I just want to lay around. Nothing seems to matter. I get mad easily, irritated, everything seems so monumental.

I feel like I've given up on being a mom, a friend, I"m not interested in anything/anyone right now.

I feel so stressed, overworked, kidded out, down, like motherhood is just plain overrated...not getting a break, kids not listening to me, my house which I normally keep up I'm not caring to anymore. It seems monumental just to do a load of laundry. Not finding any joy.

Yesterday my kids made me breakfast and coffee and washed my dishes. Neither them or the bf thought of going to the store to get me a damn card or flowers on behalf of the kids...whatever.

Was supposed to go to my brothers w/our parents...that didn't work out for stupid reasons so that pissed me off.
So-I cry some more in bed. Bf comes over around 230...he had to take SD back at 4..YES 4PM....her mom on moms day didn't want her till 4....and then showed up 430 too....

ANyways, bf brought smoe hand picked flowers-which he does all the time...and SD got on the computer and made me a card, and a chocolate covered strawberry (and ate 3 herself)...anyways..it was very sweet-she had bows around it, shit so in essence she put more effort then my own kids.

But still-I don't see the future, it seems so grim, I feel so unhappy, so burnt out and taken advantage of...I'm always doing something for someone else.

The baby showers, wedding showers, bdays (my bfs' bday was Friday, took him out for a nice night...helping my neighbor in running her kids around all the time or picking up her slack, bday for my kids, sleepovers, playdates, chauffering---give give give...everybody takes takes takes. I'm on empty and have been and now I've spiraled into depression again damn it!

I will not take meds-must get back to the gym that always helps (stopped a couple weeks ago)....

The bf just listened to me, followed me while I went to bed to cry and just gave me a full body massage, loved on me, wiped my tears...he didn't say a word...it was a very odd and relief for almost an hr...I felt so out of control, he's never seen me like this, I wouldn't dream of crying like this in front of someone, especially him, but it felt safe. The evening got better, he made me dinner, we watched a movie, we made love, he held me, told me he love me, and validated everything I was feeling, never ridiculed me, he had my back but can't help to think part of this is his fault. I love him, but haven't been saying it as much as he does.

I don't know how to get re-filled and feel better, but I'll be trying. I hate feeling this way about life.