Need opinions-my BS wants to call bf DAD???
I've been thinking on this for a couple months now and I'm not quite sure how to address it.
I'm hoping to get some feedback and opinions on the board on this one because honestly I'm not sure how I feel about it, and both bf and I just kind of shrug and not sure what to say.
The oldest has asked to call my bf dad...here's the thing, he's been in our/their lives 2 yrs now, but he's mainly more in a male/fatherly role model to them, backs me up as needed or will advise them to do something but obviously the main discipline it still with me. He doesn't feel comfortable correcting them in the way a parent would because he believes, as do I that the main concern is building a mutual like/respect between them right now. More and more as that is building he feels more comfortable to speak up with them if need be.
I have told my son to call him by his name, he has a dad, and he argues that he still wants to call him this-and that stepdad sounds weird. And that he "just wants to". I told him we weren't married yet and that at that point he would become stepdad. BF doesn't seem bothered by it but I'm not sure it's right and I think bf is unsure also...at least not till down the road.
I guess he's just been craving that daily interaction w/a father figure. I know he loves his bio-dad but they don't interact much and aren't very clsoe- it's hard for both boys to go EOW because they want to stay with us. He talks more with bf then his dad and daily also. If there is one evening that bf doesn't come over the boys get upset at me (hey girl needs some downtime lol) and pout about it.
Anyway-a lot of you are married to NCP, we aren't quite sure how to approach this or how to respond to him...i'm wanting others opinions/thoughts on this. Especially considering we aren't married yet but are serious and planning on a life together.
We can't compare to how he'd feel w/SD calling another guy dad because BM dates women so....
In the past all 3 kids (my boys and his girl) have joked and said we're calling you mom/dad...I guess that's how they see us. I know stepmom/stepdad has that "evil" connotation to it ..thanks Disney! But it's not a continous thing....but my son keeps bringing it up and I'm not sure how to handle it.
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Is there another nickname
Is there another nickname that is maybe close to dad that would work for your son? Maybe he could call your bf something like Papa, Pops, Daddio, Dadman (ok, I'm not the best at coming up with good nicknames)
My SS grew up with BM and she was living-with/remarried for about 10 of those years (ages 5-15). When a child spends that much time with another parental figure, it just makes sense that they want to call them something more personal than stepdad. My SS was telling a story one day and said he had asked his "parents" a question. DH gave him a funny look because he didn't remember this. SS immediately apologized and told DH that he calls BM and Stepdad his parents because it's just easier. DH understood and never made a big deal of it. However, I don't think SS ever called him dad. That would have been a more difficult situation, especially given the PAS that was going on at BM's already.
How old is your son? Is this something that he can talk to his dad about during his next visit? I think it would be better to at least let the biodad know upfront that your son wants to do this. Otherwise, the biodad might hear his son call someone else dad unexpectedly and that could create additional conflict.
I think it's great that your son likes your BF enough to want to call him dad. When I had been in SS's life for about 7 years I asked if I could have a nickname (NOT MOM! - I was thinking more like Nana or Mimi or something). DH and SS came up with suggestions like fart-knocker and butt-head. So I just stuck with my first name.
My bios call my dh dad-their
My bios call my dh dad-their father is deceased and he's been in their lives since ages 9 months and 2-they are 11 and 13 now. It's always been this way so no big deal.
My ss (whom I've known since age 1) also started out calling me mom. BM acted as if she had no problem with it. SS also called her husband dad during visits there and my dh didnt really have a problem with it either. Come to find out, bm had more of a problem than she ever let on. SS is now almost 13 and for the past few years has not really called me anything. He often refers to me as "she" or "her"-and refers to me by a shortened version of my first name-occassionally he will call me mom-if he is in a position in which he MUST ask me for something.
BM and her dh got divorced years ago and bm has had a revovling door of men which ss calls by their first name. This guy she is with now has been around for close to 2 years I guess. SS calls him by his first name, but the kicker is when eh comes up here he calls his father by this man's first name.
I think it should be up to your kiddo. I really do. If he looks at your dh "as a dad" he should be able to call him whatever he is comfortable with. If you have a good relationship with your ex you could even discuss this with him. I also think it sometimes makes kids feel more normal-like when they are having friends over its far easier to say this is my mom and dad rather than this is my mom and daddio jim or whatever nickname you give him.
Thanks all...I think it would
Thanks all...I think it would be ok to discuss with the biodad-not sure what his reaction would be...though he seems quite ok w/the relationship between the kids and bf at the moment. See, my son did have a nickname for him...it was bf name mon (jamaican for man-no idea why he chose it lol)...but perhaps suggesting bfname dad or something might help if he keeps insisting.
And thanks Old Dart-he is a guy with a very big heart and is excellent w/the boys, they greatly respect him and love him a lot. He's earned it though-he's never overstepped, came on too strong in discipline or demanding respect or affection, he let them naturally with time grow a relationship with him. Was the best approach IMO. I guess it's such a struggle though for the bf-because he seems to have a closer and more frequent relationship with my boys then his own BD.
I know that conflicts him because in a way he thinks if I can't have the relationship I need w/my own BD how can i do it w/someone elses kids? He knows his BD has been so twisted already by the BM that there is not much hope...he's had to detach somewhat for many reasons (pas from the bm, intervening from his parents, the BD behavior, her everday surroundings and atmosphere and the questioned paternity).
I guess it's not uncommon though in step world for NCP to almost attach more to their 'new family' then their previous one-but I think a lot is a matter of time spent with a new family and the relationship w/the exe's. Sad but that's life. I know my bf is arround more and more influence then their dad is with them right now.
I have been in my SS5's life
I have been in my SS5's life since he was 2 and sometimes he will call me Mommy. Every time I say "I'm not Mommy, I'm Siferra!" with a big smile and a bit of a teasing tone. I want him to know I'm not mad at him for saying that, but Mommy isn't what he should call me.
My BM is a peach compared to some on here, and while she and I very rarely communicate she understands that SS5 isn't a contest to be won. Every now and then he'll call me "mommy" when he's talking to her, and she has the same "Silly, that's Siferra - I'm Mommy!" reaction. I'm sure it isn't a fun thing for her to have to deal with, but at least she realizes it's a combination of the situation and the age of the child - not any "programming" on my part.
My friend had this
My friend had this predicament for a slightly different reason. Her son accidentally called his dad by the SF's name! The dad got really angry so they decided it was best to call both the dad and SF dad so that wouldn't happen again and it's worked out fine. He knows who his real dad is, but he also believes SF is like a dad to him as well.
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