Well, this is my first time here - hoping that getting some of my angry feelings out will help - as well as some good feedback to help me deal with and move on. A year ago I get a call from an old "kinda" boyfriend from high school (25 years ago). He had separated from his wife of 23 years - and thought he would "look me up" since he had heard that I had gotten divorced (again). Anyway - he lived about 2 hours away - called me up one day, asked if he could come and stay for a "few days" - well, the few days turned into 3 1/2 months, at which time he descended into total depression - drinking a lot (which he was an alcoholic - and I knew this - just guess I didn't realize how bad!). After 3 1/2 months wallowing in his self pity - me having to continually listen to him talk (yell) to his ex-wife on the phone (she had turned in him for DUI & Domestic Violence - which he lost his license - job - everything). He called her every nasty name in the book - screamed terrible obsensities to her - everything (which, at the time, I told him that he had better never talk to me like that (big talker, huh?) Anyway, he entered rehab for 30 days. I supported him, morally, throughout this time. Loved him and tried to do whatever he needed me to. He is now the poster boy for AA - following "the program" so religiously, I honestly think that he is as perfect as any AA member could be or has ever been. Learned to "deal" with his emotions (which I think he just doesn't have any anymore) - has forgiven everyone (including his ex) for everything. Is trying to "figure out" who he is. Meanwhile - I was falling deeply in love with him (regardless of what I have written above) - but he kept saying that he didn't want a "serious" relationship. But he wanted us to be buddies (i.e. "f#ck buddies"). When he finally got his drivers license back, he started going to visit his kids (which is a very good thing) - but, after one visit that he didn't call or anything, I asked him where he stayed? He said at his ex's. I was extremely hurt - jealous - angry - you name it. I told him that I didn't think that that was appropriate and that I didn't feel he should do that - that it hurt me deeply (even though he didn't say anything happened). Well, a week later, he does it again. Things started to unravel from that point on. He told me we weren't "together" - he wanted to take a "break" from each other, etc. etc. Well, after about a month and a half of making myself sick over the situation with him, he then tells me that he had sex with his ex. I'm sorry, people, but I think this is so disgusting. It makes me physically sick to my stomach (and always has - when I heard other people say that they did this - I just can't fathom why). Anyway, I am devested as I truly did love this guy - and had since high school, although we never "dated". I had even asked him to marry me before I married someone else - obviously, he said no - he wasn't ready to get married (of course, we were only 18, so . . .) I never want to see him again - talk to him - even hear his name mentioned. I am having such a difficult time with this - I am bipolar - suffer from anxiety attacks (which started only after he came back into my life) - and am truly feeling worthless - useless - what did I do wrong that made him make that choice that he knew would hurt me so bad?? I have been contemplating suicide - different scenarios - but want to choose one that I know will really work. I can't believe that I have made myself feel so rotten over some low life user/loser. I am hoping that I can make it through this. To be honest, though, I had to admit that I do still drink (probably more than is good for me) - I said that I could/would (love to) quit drinking if he could offer me some kind of commitment - even if it was just to love me and not hurt me. No deal - - -. I had nothing else to offer. Thanks for listening (reading). I feel much better already. Look forward to any insights, comments, whatever.