Blending
Youngwife posted a blog about loving all 4 parents and it struck a nerve with me. Im not saying I had the most wonderful blended family experiences when I was young, but I do have great parents, and what we went through was normal. At first I didn't like the new girlfriend and boyfriend (now they are my parents). I grew to love them, accept them, and respect them. Im glad I did. They are wonderful people. I also commend my parents for siding with thier partners and backing them up when they needed to. While the divorce was hard for all of us, they did the right things and it worked out in everyone's favor. I think its so frustrating for me because I could have had that with DH and SS10, they just wouldn't let it happen. I've been through what SS10 has been through. I just don't get it. He loved me and grew to hate me, thats completely backwards. I am so sad that this couldn't work out like my family did.
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I was pretty young. My Mom
I was pretty young. My Mom started dating my Stepdad right after the divorce, I was 9 or 10, so I would say respect for him started at 11?. My Dad started dating my Stepmom when I was 13 or 14, I started respecting her around 16 (after my first sister was born). Don't get me wrong, we did have our falling outs, normal kid/teenage stuff, but for the most part, I looked at them as parents. I knew I could get in trouble with them too, I knew I couldn't get away with things with them. I think most of that came from my bio's being consistent and backing them.
This reply by you may have
This reply by you may have saved me a lot of heartache. Thanks.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. My SD23 and I got along great for the first 2 years and this last year has been hell.
I think she realized I was a permanent fixture and did not like that.
She is used to getting everything from her dad and that has changed a little.
Are you talking about the
Are you talking about the dysfunction one? Here's the kicker, my parents didn't like each other, didn't talk, we didn't do birthday parties or functions together, we all sat seperate, lol. BUT they did back each other and made sure we had respect for the other parent and stepparent.
I know that all kids are
I know that all kids are different. I just wish I could have had a family with DH and SS10.
DH had full custody of SS10.
DH had full custody of SS10. He only sees BM 3 nights a month. In that time I believe she says things she shouldn't. SS has always had behavior problems but they are getting worse. I wish I would have never gotten so close. It is heartbreaking.
You know...sometimes I think
You know...sometimes I think 'today' our skids are 'allowed' to hate us...and that is why they sometimes do. I don't know if that makes any sense...but when I was a kid my father died when I was 8. When I was 10 or so my mother remarried. I hated him! I don't remember why I did, but I can think of various reasons..I was no longer a spoiled brat, I had to report to someone new etc.. but you know..back in the day.. I HAD to respect him... I had NO CHOICE. My mother did not beat around the push, and coddle my feelings, and guilt parent me.. NO WAY..and I think back in the day most parents were the same as she was.. it was like..pick up your pants and get over it kid... this is reality. The plain and simple truth to it was he was an adult, he was married to my mother, and whether I liked it or not I had to respect him. By the time I was 12 I was calling him Dad...and I still do today at 37...(despite him and my mother not being together).. I think we're so busy today coddling our children in every aspect of their lives that their choice to hate us is one we as parents make....
I do agree with you. I
I do agree with you. I posted a blog about how when my parents split they actually said, we will never get back together, thats it, move on. Our feelings were taken into account, they knew were were going to be upset, but we were never coddled and spoiled. I can't imagine my brother being 10 years old cuddled up on the couch with my Dad, I can't imagine spitting into my stepmothers brush and still be allowed to go to an amusement park 2 days later. I just don't get it.
HeatherM I couldnt agree
HeatherM I couldnt agree more. I dont know if it's a sign of the times, or if this variety of parenting styles existed then too? It just so happens that I prescribe to the same philosophy that your parents did, and I dont think it's "mean" to be an authority in your own home, no matter what the blood relation is.
It's so easy to distinguish that this is indeed about guilt parenting and not blood relation (or lack of)because of the example of adoptive parents. They have NO blood relation but are somehow able to be parents to their kids!
My own husband seems perfectly able to parent our daughters, and he does it WITH me with no problem...and I dont mean to imply that we agree on all things! We do manage however. But when it comes to the SS, the whole situation is unmanageable. DH is simply incapable of acting like a normal parent to that kid because he's so busy feeling sorry for him and trying to overcompensate for the fact that he didnt want him in the first place. PLENTY of people have kids they didnt plan/want and are able to get thru it without doing what DH does. Its ridiculous, and sickening really.
Agreed... that is exactly
Agreed... that is exactly what I mean.
If I even 'back talked' my step father I was grounded...and that meant really grounded. No "Honey, I know you're sad and that is why you did not speak nice to your stepfather, lets go have ice cream and talk about it", it was "You were out of line missy... you're grounded for 2 weeks!"...
I remember once when my stepfather (who wasn't my stepfather quite at that point) first moved in. I wanted a sleep over, I was used to getting what I wanted... I had a sleep over.. my Stepfather said to my mother, "What is this? A hotel?"..and I said "If this isn't a hotel, then why are you here?"... wooee.. I was grounded for a month....and had my face slapped... but whatever..I'm just saying... If my SS does something..no matter how bad, my DH always has an excuse for him... and he'll ban him from something like the TV..but not the computer..or watching his dad's shows with him..etc.. I find it pathetic.
I will never forget when I
I will never forget when I was on the phone for like an hour, I was like 12 or 13. My stepdad needed to use the phone for work and kept asking if he could use it, he kept getting more and more annoyed with me and started being stern. I played the damn victim role to my friend on the phone, oh poor me, my stepdad is yelling (which is why I know what SS is doing). My mom got home from work and ripped the phone right out of the wall while I was still on it. I was punished (no tv, video games, ect. I had to sit in my room for a week) and no phone for a long time, I think like a month or something. I never did that again and I never played the victim role again, lol.
We didn't have talks and oh poor baby or lets talk over ice cream.