Quick background: DH is the primary caregiver inspite of their 50/50 arrangement. BM attends sporting events and thats that. No appointments, religious instruction (even though she is a member of the church and lives .5 mile), no parent conferences, she never even taught SD how to put on a standard bra besides a cammie. BM is a perfect case study for PAS. She also has had at least 5 live in boyfriends in the past 6 years (no kidding). SD will cling to DH, hang all over him with I love you daddy stuff, gets super jealous when my kids hug him or shoot hoops kinda thing. Lately SD and BM have mentioned (scheming??)that SD doesn't want to live here and DH says take it to court, he will take no less than 50/50 and based on her 'mothering' she should be very careful what she askes for. However, and most importantly when SD is here after a few days you can see she likes it and doesn't get in mood until she calls BM or vice-versa. She does know who to call when she needs something--anything--it's us.

Current:
DH injured himself midmonth and had surgery on Monday, came home Tuesday. The skids left for BM's last Friday (return today). Last week saying good bye, I informed SD-15 of the date, time and place of surgery and that DH would be available for calls after 3:30 on Monday. SS-16 works and has extracurriculars--didn't get to talk with him.

Why am I irritated? SD has not spoken to DH since Last Friday, shows up Wed. to pick up some gear, runs in and never greets him or asks about him and blathers on about herself and leaves. Has not called since. This morning she comes in to drop off her stuff before school and again says nothing to him- not even hi-- waz up--nothing. However, last month BM's live-in had surgery while we were on vacation and thats all we heard about and SD called long distance with our permission to check on him (this guy has been in her life for less than a year and based on BM's MO probably not much longer).

Because of the dramatization over the turnstile Bf. I purposely made a point of telling SD when she could call her DH, a test that I knew in my heart she would fail--and she did.

BM, I think has some responsibility in teaching the skids to be thoughtful and she should have reminded SD, even though the skids are old enough to know themselves. (BTW SS did call his dad and talked with him twice this week). Both kids have their own cell phone.

I did not call them to give them an update because BM does not want me calling when they are with her. I did send all of them an email, letting them know everything went well.

My dilema-DH said he is not going to discuss this with SD because he doesn't want it to look like poor me. (EGO) Although he is hurt by it. And he is not up for the conflict (50/50 placement black mail). I say it's not about him, it's about pointing out blatant thoughtless behavior and she should be called on the carpet for it. I feel that I should then at least say something- DH wants me to let it go. He says that saying something is not going to change her bitchy attitude. I say that doing nothing will definitely not change her behavior. Her behavior is only complicated by hormones not the cause of it, she has been an unrully self-centered product of an imbittered unrully self-centered low esteemed BM as long as I have known her. Her next therapy session is weeks away and I say that is too long to wait. Besides she is a liar and see's things very differently than the rest of the world.

In my heart of hearts I know that I should say something, even at the risk of pissing everyone off. I think it is pretty simple.. state the case and be done with it. But anytime I step in, it's WWW III. How do I go about it? I am brutally frank and could use a nice guy approach--magazine smile kinda thing.