venting--- new account
so i made this new account this morning because on my last post (my first one made on here) most- not all, but most- people were unbelievably rude. I was told i need mental help and judged harshly i feel. i suppose some was maybe warranted...i was venting and it sounded harsh. but absolutley nothing ive not seen said on here before. my post was my first time letting my anger for SD out. so it was a lot.
i have been reading a lot of posts on here and it has made me feel SO MUCH better about why i feel the way i do about SD, so i wanted to make another account. i don't feel comfortable using the last one becauuse of the things said to me.
my DH is trying to push me to have more of a relationship with his daughter. and i get it. i knew what i was coming in to. but she just irks me! i hear her voice and i cringe. i feel horrible but i cant help but dislike this girl. idk, im not really going anywhere with this post...just wanted to make one and remind people not to be such assholes. this is where people come to vent, some things may occasionally come out harsher than truly meant.
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If you were the one raging
If you were the one raging about a 4-year-old, you won't find much sympathy with a new account. Maybe you should make another new one and not announce it, hmmm?
Yes, you will find harsh language describing some stepkids here. The difference between the vast majority of those complaints and yours? Others are talking about teen skids or adults who have been awful to their SPs. You were talking about hating and punching a 4 year old for displaying normal, 4 year old behavior. I hope you took the advice about seeking therapy.
I have been on step talk for
I have been on step talk for a very long time. It is extremely rare to come across a post similar to your original post. I can probably count on one hand, with fingers left over the number of times something that awful has been posted here about a child.
The thing that really bother me with your post was the fact that you stated that the kid has done NOTHING to you. Never mind the fact that she is only 4 years old. Your actions toward her could be considered emotional abuse. Who gives a 4 year old the silent treatment??? Your thoughts of physical abuse are also a problem.
Yes, this is a site to vent. But that doesn't mean people are going to ignore bad behavior on the part of a SM when it directed at an innocent child.
I stand by the statement I made on your original blog. Your husband needs to know the truth. He needs get his child far away from you. Heaven help him if he has a child with you.
Just don't get pregnant.
Typically when you change accounts, it's to assume a new identity to avoid the negative feedback you've experienced; based on your first blog under a new name, everyone is going to know exactly who you are and you'll likely still get negative feedback. And that's worth considering because this site is filled with disgruntled SMs who tend to side with SMs in most cases. The fact that a very pro-SM group was so critical of you should be cause for concern. My advice to you is the same this time around: get out of the relationship and do not even consider having baby in this situation.
Yes, I agree. Many on this
Yes, I agree. Many on this board cheer on those who hate their skids and hope they will disappear forever. So the fact that you got so much negative feedback says something, OP.
If you actively hate his 4-year-old child, do everyone a favor and get out of the relationship. Find a man with no children.
If you’re the same person who
If you’re the same person who’s hating on a 4-year-old child, you’re not going to find a lot of support and empathy here, because you obviously have NO CLUE about child development.
A 4-year-old child is cognitively incapable of having any animosity, vengeful feelings, etcetera.
Get a grip.
Wait is this the post about the annoying 4 year old
being rude disrespectful etc and some commented that the dad should parent better?
I can understand hating a 4 yo SD
it you have to understand thing are not going to change. And it’s time to end this relationship. Find someone else with out kids. steplife is just not for you. You will never be happy with SK. That no way to live being unhappy every day
You can understand hating a
You can understand hating a person that hasn't done anything to you??
If so, then you must also understand all the crazy BMs and SDs that hate SMs that have never done anything to them.
"Unbelievably rude" really???
"Unbelievably rude" really????? I was one of those who was as you put it rude to you, and I totally stand by my original comments, which were blunt, not rude. Calling you names would have been rude, I think you need to distinguish between rude and honest. Disliking a 4 yr old is OK, we don't have to like even very young children. But we do have to treat them in an age appropriate way, not giving them the silent treatment which IS abusive. Saying you want to hit her, in a public forum, shocked and appalled me. If you feel OK to say this to strangers, what do you feel is OK to do and say in the privacy of your own home?
I didn’t think anyone was
I didn’t think anyone was rude to you. Telling you that this isn’t the relationship for you isn’t rude, it’s just honest.
Maybe you can’t help your feelings about your SD, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is your SO’s daughter and she is always going to be around.
Feeling the need to give her the silent treatment and fantasizing about violence towards her isn’t normal and is an indicator that you need to get out of this relationship so you can find someone without kids and your SO can find someone who will at least be decent to his child. Having a baby with this man would be a huge mistake, in my opinion, because your feelings towards your SD will only worsen when you have a child of your own.
I did not see your original
I did not see your original post but this one appears attention seeking. Why would you announce that this is a new identity because you don’t want to be tied to the old one? Why would you attempt to belittle and get onto people who commented on your first post? What good do you think will come from this?
I wish all men could read
I wish all men could read posts like this when they're thinking about divorcing the mother of their (especially) young children. No not all women want to be mommy to your unruly annoying kid no matter how cute they are or how much the new girl loves your manhood. They look at the kid like it's an adorable puppy in the beginning but then the demanding and expensive reality sets in. Maybe it would be better to stick it out instead of trying to plow new and exciting pastures with a kid in tow.
I think OP's post is a bit outlandish and she is obviously emotionally immature, but at least she is honest about how she's feeling. Four year old's are loud, whiny, high energy and totally consuming. I can only handle a finite amount of other peoples preschool kids unless I'm getting paid for it. People in the table beside them at the restaurant are thinking the exact same things about this 4 yr old. It's basic mammalian nature not to completely adore and support anothers offspring.
OP, I would advise you to be very honest with your DH about how much you can handle. sd4 is his daughter and he and her mother are responsible for her care, not you. Be very cognizant of your ability to deal with children overall. Did I read that you want a baby with this man? Do you think you can deal with a baby who may not sleep regularly for years, who has collic, who may have ADHD or other health issues, and finally who may be as or even more annoying than your SD? Kids don't come with a guarantee and you never know what you're going to get. I love my own kids but I can tell you I just about crossed the line of abuse a few times. It's hard being a mother and having saintly patience all the time. It can make you crazy.
Therapy is good, talk to a non involved, non related person who will not judge about this. Give yourself a break from the situation and tell DH you need to step back for awhile.
yeah....that's me.
yeah....that's me.
so i get in my original post seemed a little crazy. however--it is NORMAL to feel that way towards a child that is not yours. atleast i am recognizing it. i am in therapy, not for this but because i believe therapy is good for the soul no matter what situation you are in. it has been talked about. i dont hate the kid, ok. it was my first time letting everything out, and i really let it out. i came into this relationship knowing he has a child. i have one of my own as well. who yes,i have custody of...someone said because i said "when he is at my house" that implied i dont have custody i have visitation. no, his father and i have equal custody, one week with me, one week with dad. its easier when my son is with us because they get along great. at the sane time, i cant get a second with my son to myself and i think that is what gets to me the most. i talked to my SO about this and changes are being made. we are going to do something every week to seperate the kids so that we both get the time we need with our own.
i am trying, i am. it's hard, as you all know.
people are saying i give her the silent treatment? i looked back on my old post, and yes that is what it sounds like because i made a typo. what i meant to say is when it is NOT just us at the house (because if my son is not there, it is just her and i the majority of the time), i sometimes dont speak to her. I DON'T IGNORE HER! if she talks to me of course i talk to her. but if she doesn't, i don't. if there are other people there, she talks to them and she is entertained. i dont initiate conversation. i am working on trying to change my feelings for her.
i think it probably stems from the beginning of my SO and I relationship. when everything began, he had shared custody with her BM, BM would have her most of the time because he works a lot. before i came in the picture, there was nobody to watch her while he worked. as soon as i come in the picture, BM decides to drive drunk with SD. so obviously my SO takes her full time. for about a year, she didn't even try to see her daughter, she was with me 24/7. SO works at 5am until 8pm. so yes, i knew what i was coming into with him having a child, but in no way did i sign up to be her primary caregiver and care for her more than i do my own child. i didn't ask for that. so there is a lot of resentment there.
Things have changed. mom is back in the picture, and with myself working and going back to school full time, we only have her on the weekends usually and maybe a night a week. i told my SO it was getting to be too much and he made changes. i cant say how much i appreciated that. so things have gotten better. when she does come over, it just sucks sometimes. idk, i feel like you guys know what i mean. \
so no, i do not HATE her, i do not ignore her when i am caring for her, and i would never slap her.
she is spoiled and dad doesn't believe in spankings. i think she could use a spanking once in awhile. that's all i meant. and i admit, i definately was lashing out big time and did not say it how i intended.
anyways, i am rambling, i hope i can be accepted into the group. i realize my initial post was over the top. please just consider it was my first time totally expressing my anger regarding the situation.
Support and advice from a fellow newbie...
I pretty much agree with most of what's been said about your original post, so I'll just leave that to the wise folks above. If you are sincerely trying to find support and advice in your situation, good for you for taking it all in and coming back with a little humbleness. Also, it is good to hear you are working with a therapist. There is no shame in that AT ALL! I really think other STalkers were well-meaning by suggesting therapy, potentially walking away from the relationship, and holding off for a while to have more children with DH. I know I was.
I am pretty new here myself and it is refreshing to vent when you first find ST. Just don't be surprised at the feedback, even when it's brutally honest. Many people here have walked in similar shoes and yet can see things from an outsider perspective. If they can feel rage and negativity via a few words on a page, I GUARANTEE that 4 year old and your DH can feel it. Sometimes we don't realize where we actually are contributing to a toxic environment, and this site is awesome for bringing those things to our attention.
So, I hope you will stick around, read other posts from those who have lived with SKIDS for many years, write honestly but be ready to receive feedback with an open ear and an open mind. It may in fact be that this situation is not for you, but if you read and listen, you will find out it is better to figure that out now than years into a toxic situation with more kids and a new broken home situation in tow.
I sincerely wish you the best in this situation and gotta give you a little credit and compassion for jumping back into the fire here if your intentions are good.
A lot of people don’t think
A lot of people don’t think spanking is acceptable. Me included. There are lots of other ways to improve children’s behaviour, like reward systems or consequences such as taking a favourite item away for a while. Do not spank a child please.
That is your opinion. A lot
That is your opinion. A lot of people think it's just fine. Not all the time, and not the first thing that should be done, but in some cases.
While spanking may not be
While spanking may not be against the law.. and some people feel it's "ok".. I would caution both you and your DH to not use corporal punishment on your kids. Another poster on this site is currently embroiled in a CPS nightmare because her husband spanked his kids.. and the EX is claiming abuse... CPS will NOT want to hear you are spanking kids.. if that ever comes up.. it would put both of your kid's custody situations at risk.
Again, I'm not arguing the morality of spanking.. I'm telling you that the reality is that when you are no longer married to the parent of your child.. spanking has to be off the table as a punishment.. too much risk. Just another thing that changes when you split up from your child's other bio parent.
Career a$$hole over here.
Career a$$hole over here.
But if the kid bothers you THAT much, and it's around all the time. Maybe it's not the relationsip for you.
We've used both spanking and non. The fact of the matter is. The kids respond better to a reward and consequences system. Spankind just makes them angry little heathens who shut down. Rewards and consequences motivate them.
Oh gosh...HERE WE GO AGAIN.
Oh gosh...HERE WE GO AGAIN. Someone who writes they hit kids, and gets angry at us when we call them out.
OP, it is not a wise decision for you to be involved with a man who has kids. Lots of adults are childless. Maybe talk with your parents ask them what their opinion is of this? How about end the relationship??? IF you cant stand his child---why are you there?
Also, hitting a child is never ok. You can call is spanking, a little spank, 3 spanks what ever you want...it is STILL hitting a child.
PLEASE enlighten everyone. When is hitting a child ok? Asking for a friend.
did i ever say i "hit" kids?
did i ever say i "hit" kids? no, i said some people believe it is ok. i believe, in some situations, it is worth a try, a light spank on the bottom or on the hand. again, not in all cases. and i certainly wouldn't spank a child that is not mine. and nobody is mad. im hearing what everyone is saying.
why don't i leave the relationship? because i am not going to let a child dictate how my relationship goes. isnt that kind of the point of this site, for step parents who "cant stand" their step children? have problems with them....whatever. i am venting. it is theraputic. i am not going to give up on my relationship because it has hit a bump. pretty sure most people here "cant stand" their step child. it sucks that everyones solution to things is jumping right to breaking up and leaving their SO. you work through problems, not walk away when things get tough.
it sucks that everyone jumps
it sucks that everyone jumps to leaving the relatoinship. why do people do that? if there is a problem in your relationhip you should address it and TRY to work through it. on this site, on other facebook groups i am in, the solution people have it to just up and leave, it is ridiculous!
i am working through my issues with her, and hopefully will build a better relationship with her. it hasn't always been like this. i am not sure when the gears were switched. but the bottom line is i do want it to change. i am recognizing my feelings and trying to do what i can to correct them. i think that is a better solution compared to just leaving. obviously if things dont get better in time, that will become an option. but it should not be the first thing you think of to fix the problem.