HUGE fight
I got back on my trip on Sunday and we had a really big fight yesterday. What a nice way to come back home. I am sunburned and dealing with a bunch of misogynist asses overseas did not exactly help.
Turns out Ss has maintained his 180 behaviour flip. Eating everything my Dh gave him, doing as he is told, doing his online lessons, not crying in his bed all day. He has even been doing the electro-stimulation with very little crying.
So I get back and my Dh is acting like we never even had the conversation of possibly sending Ss to to a centre/school. He says that Ss is better now. Yet, we heard him crying at night on Saturday and Sunday. And my Dh admitted SS had been crying at night when I was gone. How is that ok?
Yesterday, we had huge argument in his car. I asked him if he was going to see the three centres/schools we short-listed. He told he was not going to look anymore. So I tried to ask him why, because Ss is obviously just acting like the way he is because he is scared we will send him away.
One thing lead to another and we were yelling at each other in a Macy's parking lot (in the car). Then my Dh said Ss was much more at peace when our kids and I were not there. And that I probably just don;t want Ss in the house anymore. That hurt. He said sorry right after e said that but it still hurt. Then I said fine, if he doesn't want to get Ss help, they can both move out and live somewhere in peace.
I stepped out and took a cab to work. I looked pathetic, crying in the cab while the driver kept asking me if I was ok. I overheard my Dh making calls last night to the schools to set up appointments this weekend to see them. If this doesn't work out, I am sure I will get blamed for it. What do I even do?
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Spend time away from them
Spend time away from them both. Again the SM is the buffer. You are his feelings personified. In other words, you are the one he reacts against because he knows deep down you are right.
So let them spend some time on their own. Let DH pick up the slack and take care of everything himself. Sometimes you have to walk away and wait for him to find you.
I really think you DO need
I really think you DO need time away. He is now putting the blame on you for his son and that is not the position you want to be in. The problem is, as long as you are around he can now use that as the crutch. If you aren't around and the kids screws up, then maybe MAYBE he'll see.
You are right though, SS just doesn't want to be sent away so he is acting on his best behavior to convince dad.
The comment about "he was doing fine while you were away" would have cut me too deep. I think I would have had my own desire to separate after that. Maybe dad and SS need to just get their own place so dad can concentrate on the kid.
Honestly, I think he would do
Honestly, I think he would do just fine without me. We have a nanny for Ss now and m DH only has to take care of him after getting back from work. I know it sounds terrible but I can't really move out anywhere. I have three kids to look after. It is just too difficult logistically speaking. I have decided that I will do nothing for Ss and I will refuse to be Dh's sounding board for his frustrations. Maybe that'll open his eyes a bit.
I plan to have a sit-down with Dh today and tell him that all decisions are up to him and I will support them completely. A part of me is kind of scared that Ss will indeed be better without my involvement. That would just make me feel really bad.
Thanks for the kind words guys.
beautifully said flabby. i
beautifully said flabby.
i cannot say it better praying. you are in my heart and in my prayers.
You guys are right, there is
You guys are right, there is not much we can do at this point. But I am refusing to convince my Dh of this in case I get blamed for everything years from. It is such a sucky situation to be in.
I'm so sorry. To be honest I
I'm so sorry. To be honest I keep reading your posts and I think your DH has some serious anger management problems. He just spouts off his thoughts with no regard to how they will affect people and you just can't take words back. How many times has he spit out things at his own son that have set his recovery back who knows how much.
I think if I were you I might be at the point of an ultimatum. He either gets himself some counseling and works with you on getting SS better or he and SS leave. It's not fair to you and your children's lives to be ripped apart when he is not 100% helping the situation.
I do have to say however that if talk of another school/IP center has motivated SS to at least make some changes in how he presents himself to everyone then maybe I would ride it out awhile and delay that option. Who knows, maybe a few months of faking it will actually become a habit and allow him to more forward with his healing.
You are in my prayers. I wish you and your family the best.
My Dh is the sweetest and
My Dh is the sweetest and quietest man I know. We all changed. I never used to frown. I was that cheerful. Now, 70% of the time I am tired, angry or upset. My Dh has been cracking under the pressure lately. But when it was at its worst, my Dh was the rock of our family. So I do give him a lot of leeeway when he does say things that hurt. Doesn't mean they hurt any less though.
I really don't want give him an ultimatum. Ss has donw this whole faking thing before. It never works. But every time my Dh thinks this might be the time Ss will get better. I'll see what he decides in the next two weeks.
I didn't mean to imply that
I didn't mean to imply that your DH isn't a good man. Only that the curcumstanses you find youselves in are too much for either of you to deal with alone. He NEEDS help dealing with this himself so that he can be what SS needs from him. To lash out and say hurtful things is only a symptom of his own despiration I am sure.
Please don't allow this situation to change every member of your family until there is nothing recognizable anymore. Reach out to those that can help you wade through it and keep your loving family intact.
It sounds like your ss is
It sounds like your ss is depressed? I haven't read your other blogs so im sorry that im not quite sure what is going on. I would think that if you could get a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist to tell dh that going someplace where ss can be well cared for and monitored is absolutely in kiddo's best interest that that would go a long way. Then it wouldn't be "big mean stepmom shipping kid off", it would be "doctor says that this is what he needs right now". If ss is dealing with a mental illness, its extremely likely that dad is too; its very very genetic. I am bipolar and as a teenager I, through no fault of my own, put my family through quite a lot. As an adult my DH occasionally has to deal with me not being quite myself even though I am very diligent about my medication, diet, etc. I understand how stressful it can be to be dealing with something like this, and I am so sorry that you are going through that right now. Just remember that this too shall pass and don't forget to take care of yourself - go get a mani/pedi. Those always make me feel a little better
read her other blogs. her ss
read her other blogs. her ss has been through some of the worst abuse imaginable by a guy his mother was with and the mother knew and did nothing. this family is trying to pick up the pieces of this shattered little boys innocence.
Yup, imagine the worst thing
Yup, imagine the worst thing that could happen to a child (physical, psychological and sexual)and it happened. The tragic thing is the guy who did this thinks what he did was OK and has no regrets, only the fact he got caught.
Sweetie, you are a strong
Sweetie, you are a strong woman. And sometimes these guys need to see what life is like without you steering the Good Ship BlendedFamily. Step back and away. Maybe you don't need to be there for them right now. DH is grasping at straws if he thinks his son is 'better' after such a short period of time.
That is what my Dh does every
That is what my Dh does every time. Grasping at this hope that Ss will be the same boy he was years ago.
I just plan to let my Dh make all the decisions. I will keep myself out of it so that I don't get blamed for everything.
Thanks Melissa. You are
Thanks Melissa. You are sweet. I would like to think I helped in some way. But I feel like years from now Ss will do nothing but blame me and my Dh just like he does now.
The therapist has said Ss is
The therapist has said Ss is suffering from a very deep depression. Even though Ss has been acting this way, we should still keep an eye on him because he is displaying signs of someone who is suicidal. That is the main reason we want to send him to help. If he dies under our watch, we couldn't take it. WE can't check on him every second as much as we would like to.
I am removing myself from the decision making process. I will let my Dh do what he thinks is best. HOpefully, it works out in the end.
Hi Ripley. You are absolutely
Hi Ripley. You are absolutely right. We can't help Ss if he doesn't want it. And I am sure he would let himself die if given the chance.
We have tried sitting in with him, at the therapist's request. We did mention the things you did. It was not good. Ss refuses to hear anything we have to say. Everything we do he perceives as an attack.
I do love my Dh and he loves me. It's the only reason I have stayed. And I consider Ss as my son, although he openly despises me. But I just remind myself what he has gone through.
But after what he said to me, I will be letting my Dh make all the decisions. That is all I feel I can do at this point. I don't want to the be the reason years from now Ss had to spend time in a facility.
Your last statement was on
Your last statement was on the money. Ss needs us. But he hates us at the same time. It is a wierd situation. We sent him away once and it literally thousands of non-stop texts and hundreds of calls. He feels safest in his room and anywhere else he is uncomfortable. It was exactly what the last therapist said (the one we loved).
So it makes sending him away feel that much worse. And the way he reacted last time, not good at all.
I wish the therapist would straight up say that Ss needs to be in a place where he can get professional help. But he won't. All of them say Ss will get the most help by being at home. Not in places filled with strangers. But how do they expect us to keep an eye on him 24/7? Do we need to wait for a suicide attempt before sending him for the help he needs?