I feel my base is lost.

I have experienced depression before in my life, it is an unwelcome guest. I feel myself turning away from everyone, I see it and unwillingly recognize it for what it is. I listen to Amy Winehouse now constantly, I put myself all out there for those who need from me and internally crave solitude. I keep the edge of tears inside. I do not recognize myself. The last time this happened was twenty five years ago, hello old visitor.

What kind of fuckery is this, thanks Amy, great fucking line.

When I see what the universe is telling me about myself I don't like it. I have this sense of myself as a person who does right, who gives. But there must be something here that does not add up, otherwise I would not be faced with the things I am. But I know that's full of fallacy, too. It does not make sense, either. Sometimes I feel like there must be something underlying me I don't know that ultimately shapes what happens with me, and all that happens is sad. It has been since my former husband insisted upon divorce. He represents a change in life to me, I am distantly horrified I ever trusted him. We were at a place the clinic was humming, I was going to set back from day to day therapy and write because we knew that if I am ever able to have just SIX MONTHS to do nothing but write, all the rest would be set. But things have been off track in ways I cannot still understand since he made that decision. And when he demanded that we resume where he left off with me, and I could only and simply say NO, I have not been able to reconcile within myself the horror of the fact that he would put my sons through a divorce, the sheer ravage of the entire process, and then think that with a flick of his finger I would simply be back.
Nothing in the universe is making sense to me these days, I love depression, it's a load of fucking shit filled fun.
The man I am married to is the man the man I looked around for in my mind all my woman life, I settled for my ex husband in my early thirties, I had given up on the vision I carried since I was a child. I am thankful to god that my husband and I actually met, I knew he was my second husband before I ever saw him.
My mind runs wild with sadness, angst, pure lostness. There is no base, nothing to anchor myself to.

There are concrete things I can try to attach to, but none of them have any real meaning to me. I can press send on my cell phone in regard to a text to princess which reads: "I'm tired of you disappointing people here. (OH SHIT, I JUST ACCIDENTALLY SENT IT, OH SHIT CANNOT UNDO)I don't want you to clean your former room, and I won't have you try to manipulate Kieth to do it either. I will clean your former room, princess. You need to understand that your living independently outside of this house is permanent.
OH SHIT, I ACTUALLY SENT THAT. I should not write things that are meant for therapy for myself, not actually meant to send. But, shit, I guess, in the moment I feel a bit relieved that I told her she is out for good. Don't know what the fallout will be, but I have lived with nothing but fallout that I did not garner since my ex's mama was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 4 years ago. She had a 1% chance of surviving one year. The load of trailor trash is alive and kickin' still this day.

My emotional distress is rising, think I'll sign off here for the moment. Oh, shit, I sent that.

Oh, shit, I'm sending this.