I poise sometimes over my keyboard as if it is an arsenol. Sometimes I feel like it is. This is such a private hell, no one I know is in it, and I have never in my years of practice had a client who has dealt with it on this level.
I feel like my motherhood is being robbed because every day I have with my children there exists this constant backdrop of his immensely screwed up kids. And my ex is picking up on it, accelerating his campaign of super disney dad. He wants to manuever them into wanting to live with him, reject me when they are old enough. My bond with my sons is secure, but the absolute rage I feel at being so duped is bottomless.
The ugly fact is that my husband shielded his kids, prevented me from understanding and seeing what they are. Had I known an iota of who those skids are, I would not have wished for marriage until they were well on their own. He has been, in essence, dishonest with me and I waa left to discover their horridness and figure out how to deal with it on my own.
The price my sons and I have had to pay is beyond my grasp. I seethe, I writhe, I try to conduct daily life in a happy and giving way, all the time feeling as if Legion lives under my roof.
My motherhood feels hijacked, my life feels hijacked. I have grey hair now. Six months into marriage with a man I truly love. My whole life people have made sort of a deal of how young I look, blah, blah. I don't hear that anymore. Not since the stress of this. Even through my divorce. I have to laugh, my first night out after truly understanding my husband was divorcing me because he needed to cleave to his c____ mother, this beautiful twenty one year old crossed my vision. At the time, I was really into Brian Jones, a founder of the Rolling Stones. Yeah, the guy's name ended up being Brian, and he was a spitting image of Brian Jones. Got my first breath of life there after understanding that my husband (now ex) was leaving us.
There is no out here. I believe in marital commitment and my husband is my mate. There is no other man on the planet that catches my eye. He does, all the time. There is this hell that comes with him. There is a hell my sons and I pay, they pay only because of MY choice to be with my husband, as usual they have no say in major factors of their young lives.
I run around in my mind, trying to figure this out.