Yesterday I went hour by almost hour having my office cancel my regular appointments for yesterday. People that I care about. Some call these individuals clients. They are people with fears, hopes and trust held in their eyes when they set foot into a therapist's office. They are intact to the degree they can withstand outside input to some thing, whatever it is, they can't see through. They have the capacity for joy.
So, ten of these indiviudals I had to put off until today and next week.
There have been many court dates with his ex. Many of those I have intended to go to, but circumstances that were real had interferred each time. Two times I had little ones with fevers. One time, before we got married, I had lost my engagement ring. I had been in the heart of my rage (former novellas, I apologize I have yet to delete them) over my sense of betrayal having to do with my husband's poor navigational skills between his children and me. And my lack of understanding about where he was coming from.
Which brings me back to yesterday.
I spent my day in court. I'm used to court, the threat of court, court for myself, others, whatever. I worried yesterday after I testified that perhaps I was flippant. I couldn't help laughing on the stand two times. The wretch he was married to has such a pencil dick attorney that I had a hard time taking him seriously. The judge looked like a sincere, robust man. I hope to God he found me more amusing than offensive. He didn't shush me, although I kept my ansers to pencil neck brief. After the attorneys were done questioning me, the judge asked me several questions that I felt had clearly been addressed. Call me crazy, call me whatever, but the sense I had was this: defendants and witnessess don't testify looking toward the judge. They look out over the courtroom. I felt he wanted to take a look into my eyes and assess me for himself. I felt this was right, and good, because I believe judges are so often lied to that they seldom have occasion to use their discernment directly at someone.
The reason for court yesterday was the same as it's always been. I don't know if I've ever written of it. Once, I ranted about a discovery 'request' she and her attorney submitted to the court that was invasive of me. I resented that like hell. I understand that husk now. And I just flat out did not submit information for her and her pro bono attorney's fishing expedition. I would have paid for the best defense available to protect my husband from any contemp of court thing, but she will never possess my information.