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I've broken my own disengaging rules.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 9:47am

I've been holding back my opinion for weeks now and some other stuff came up yesterday that piled on to my feelings about the situation and I couldn't hold back any longer. I've been having a back and forth email arguement with DH all morning. And all I can really say is that I'm sorry I opened this door. There is no talking about the things that bother me without him being defensive. I was right to hold it in.

Even now that we are getting it out there it has become him picking apart my every word and not seeing the whole of the siutaion or the things that have built up to the way I feel. To him I am just picking a fight.

This is how relationships crumble. Feelings are expressed and disregarded over and over again. No matter how much I love him, I am left feeling like a part of our lives is not open for discussion.

So is the life of steps.

Comments

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 9:58am

My new motto...there are only 2 kinds of business, my business and none of my business. I keep chanting this to myself when things get tough. It is hard not to speak up, but I've learned the hard way, just like you.

Mom2mine's picture

Submitted by Mom2mine on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 10:55am

Awww-I love that quote!! I'm going to start repeating that too!! Amen Sister!! It is however VERY UNFORTUNATE that the men we fall madly in love with n want spend the rest of our lives with.....wind up being the one person we cannot express how we truly feel to....or isn't supposed to be that way...but I have started REALLY trying to put myself in his shoes...and his kids occasionally...that helps! Along with working out! Ha! A LOT!!! It helps to relieve stress n the whole time I'm just thinking that maybe my opinions will shrink along with everything else! Ha! It's harder when u have ur own child that for the most part does no wrong AND kids together as well! When the worst u can say about my son is....NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS PERFECT AS UR LIL ANGEL!! Then I take that as a compliment! Ha! And YES! It is a direct result of how I have raised him! I think the real kicker is that our soon to be 2 year old is more polite n respectful than his kids will EVER Be!!

But I feel ur pain! Me n DH got into email wars yesterday because I slipped too!! It's HARD to keep my mouth shut! Ha!

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 11:45am

I hate when I open that door because there is no going back. DH will bring it up again and again and its always a big fight about SD15. Its so frustrating. He gets defensive and will attack how I parent my daughter which has nothing to do with it.

My DH cannot handle emotion. If he senses me starting to get emotional about anything at all, his walls go up. Its so crazy. I tell him this when we are not fighting and he laughs about it because he will eventually see it a few weeks later.

There is definitely things that we cannot discuss as rational people. It just does not work and I have given up trying. I do not bring it up and sometimes he drags it out of me and it never ends well.

The dumbest things set him off. I mentioned the electric bill has been a little high the last 2 months. Right away he is on my ass about BD3 sleeping with a small light on in her room. Its like a 25 watt bulb or something low. ALmost a nightlite. Now we end up arguing about it and I tried to explain that she has been sleeping with that light on for 2 years so there is no way that our bill went up 2 months ago because of a light that has been on for 2 years!!!! Nope he wouldnt let it go so I had to go "there" and tell him that SD15 leaves every light in the house on all the time and everything plugged in in her room all the time. I literally have to walk behind her turning things off. Of course this escalates into you hate my daughter. I end up leaving shaking my head wondering how this even started!!!

So I know how you feel. Sometimes I think I need a muzzle on that way no words can come out of my mouth!!! If I don't speak then it can't be a fight, right?

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 12:09pm

This is what I don't get.... DH and I have BS2 together. DH is a great father to BS, very loving but also has very high expectations of how BS2 should behave. Sometimes I have to get after him and say "Hey, he's 2, not 12, do you expect him to sit quietly with his hands folded because you say so?"

But when it comes to SS13 and SD14, every.single.freeking.time that I legitamately bring up something that is amiss, I get one of two responses a. they are just kids b. why do you hate my kids. Then he wonders why I want nothing to do with them!

I feel like he wants me to be this Stepford Stepmother Wife who only smiles, laughs and sings praises of skids but never, never points out that they are NOT perfect. It is maddening!

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 12:28pm

This! All of it. We don't have kids together but he is good with my kids. He sees their bad behavior and will step in and say something to them about it and/or support me when I am trying to correct their behavior. But SD is a whole different story. It like he doesn't even recognize that she is anything but perfect.

Love the Stepford Stepmother Wife title. This is exactly how I feel a lot of the times.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 12:45pm

This is how relationships crumble. Feelings are expressed and disregarded over and over again. No matter how much I love him, I am left feeling like a part of our lives is not open for discussion.

Agree...i also feel sometimes that it is a tit for tat. If I bring up an issue with his kid he will defend her or attack mine