And it's been the one role I've taken on on my life that has had the biggest impact on my self esteem. Until I took on this role I considered myself an independent, confident, educated, level-headed, genuinely good hearted person. And now I'm in this situation that causes me to doubt that each and every day and over and over throughout the day when SD is with us. I am amazed daily on how the actions of just one person can cause so much conflict within myself. That person is not SD, her actions I can deal with and explain ( I don't like them often but...) she is a child, it's the man that I love that can do that.

I have come to believe that it's the conflict of expecting someone you are committed to and love to always back you and support you against the feelings that that person expects too much of you as a step-parent and constantly judges your actions toward his 'perfect' child. In my mind I know that it is mostly guilt driven but it still has the same affect on my self esteem. I love children, my own kids love me, I am a happy person in general, my kids friends like me, my nieces and nephews like me. Now here is a child that hates me for now other reason than I am alive and her parent somehow feel too guilty to make her extend common decency and respect to another human being. I am expected to treat her like my own children and give give give but not expect anything in return. I don't parent my children that way. They are expected to return common courtesy and repect.

I ask DH to be completely honest with me and tell me what he sees me doing or saying or not doing or not saying that might cause this child to dislike me. He can't offer anything. I ask what I can do to change the situation. He can't offer anything. Yet he still expects me to love her and treat her like my own. She isn't my own, she doesn't even like me. I've taught my own to be more respectful of people. I teach my own life skills. I give them the freedom to love their new step mother and I think they will grow to do that. I don't have the deep bonds with SD that allow a parent to overlook bad behavior and still see someone they love. Respect has to be earned and grows over time.

Maybe I expect too much. I expect my DH to be a parent and correct bad behavior when he sees it. Hell, I actually expect him to see it and recognize it. I expect him to take accountablility for the kind of person his child is growing into.

Maybe it's the general lacking of parental skills in our society today that creates these kids that can cause such feelings. And men who are too guilty too stand up to it and change it. I'm starting to think that parenting skills and general child psychology should be a graduating requirement in our schools. At least then our future generations would be armed with some knowledge of how their actions can mold a child.

Maybe my parenting style is so far off from his that we can't blend. I don't know. I believe that constant and gentle reminders and corrections are the way to teach children how to treat people and act in general. As well as consequences when needed. He more often than not is happy ignoring bad behavior. I can only assume that he thinks it will go away on it's own. I know he is too worried about the child rejecting him to risk reprimanding.

I battle within myself very often whether I need to seek counseling to help me deal with my feelings. But I worry that I would just be paying someone to validate my feelings, I don't want that. I want to change the situation and develop a relationship with this child even if only a civil one based on mutual respect. I often wonder if counseling for myself can do that.

This site is a godsend to me. It's therapy in itself to know and read others in my situation.