Venting....life revolving around SD
I am tired of feeling like my life and every decision I make has to revolve around SD. I just want to tell DH and BM, "teach your kid that not EVERYTHING is about her."
It comes up time and time again. This time.....I tell DH that my sister and I are having a picture done for my mother for mother's day, a picture of her grandchildren. Mind you SD is almost never around my parents (she always has more important plans with bm's family), she hides (yes, in her closet) when my parents come to the house, she won't speak to me or them when we go anywhere with them. She has no relationship with me let alone them, and that is her doing. Bottom line is there is no relationship, she does not know them really. So what does DH say??? The classic, "what about SD, how's she going to feel".
so now doing something nice for my mom, doing something I want to do with my kids has turned into being about SD.
It so infuriates me !!!! I buy my DD a halloween costume, what about SD? I help my kids hook up their ipod to my computer to share games, what about SD? I buy my kids necessities for school, what about SD? WHAT ABOUT HER???? She has a mother who over does things for her, she never goes without, she gets everything she wants plus, she thinks the world reloves around her, why do I have to also???? And she is 13 years old, not 3, she can understand, it's not rocket science. And even if I wanted to do these things for her she doesn't allow it, she is not open to me being nice to her, she avoids me at all costs.
Ok, my vent is over. Hopefully I'll feel better so it doesn't explode at DH.
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Sorry - I would have
Sorry - I would have exploded. You do what you are comfortable with for your mom's pic. If she is not considered a grandchild by your mom, then she should not be in the pic. Tell your DH that she created that by not being more receptive to your family. Tough on her....
I'm sure I will explode
I'm sure I will explode eventually, that's my way. I hold it in for as long as I can and then - boom. It's just so frustrating. I honestly try to treat sd with compassion but I don't want to roll over to the other side and make myself another one of "the people put on earth to make her happy".
And I understand he feels that way, it's his child. But really, can he not see that the rest of the world doesn't. I can see that about my children.
Tell him the photo session
Tell him the photo session ISN'T taking place in the CLOSET so it's a no go for SD!!
Good point !
Good point !
Or maybe one of those
Or maybe one of those stickers with an alien head.
B/c that's the way skids act at our houses. . .like WE'RE the aliens!
That's part of it too, we
That's part of it too, we plan to have a family pic taken, with all of us, for us, because we are some sort of 'family'. And I will give my mother a copy of that. But she wants one done of 'her' grandkids. I dont' think that's so odd.
Anyways......feelings hurt or not it's gonna happen.
Yeah, my guess is she wont
Yeah, my guess is she wont care either. However, if she is like my ss13-who wont put forth effort to be a part of my family-although he's known them since age 2-he will use it for sympathy later if he thinks it might get him some. We go to my parents every single sunday for lunch. When ss is with us-he eats in about 5 min-then asks my mom (always my mom not my dad) if he can use the computer that is in an office out in the garage. She always says yes and noone sees him the rest of the time. Dh has even driven off and forgot that he was there
but again if he thought for one second that him not being in that pic created some tension between dh and I he would milk it for all it was worth. Going to dh and telling him he felt left out.
I'm at the point where i just calmly and rationally tell dh how it is. If my ss was present at the time the pics were being taken then I would include him-however i would not arrange an appt based on his visit-but would do so based on what worked for everyone else. If he's not there-then he's not there. You can always take a pic of her closet door and frame it for your mom so she can hang it next to the pic of her grandkids.
Your DH is "channeling" (aka
Your DH is "channeling" (aka projecting) his guilt through SD.
Smack him one for me.
I understand you're venting
I understand you're venting here. But... only you can decide if you want to use the "golden rule" in this situation: Do unto others and all that... You're also modeling behavior for your own children and how they should treat others outside of the family. Would you want them to be inclusive or exclusive of others?
If you don't include others don't be surprised when they don't want to return the same feelings in kind. It sounds like you resent this child, her presence in your family and having to do for her in the same ways that you do for your own. There's no doubt in my mind that this teenager can feel those vibes coming at her. Maybe this is why she avoids you?
While I can understand the feelings - and feelings aren't bad, they just are - it comes down to the fact that your actions are based on your feelings, and those CAN be judged as being good or bad. Maybe you're really good at hiding your feelings, maybe you're not. I don't know. But we don't avoid people that we perceive want us around. At least I don't.
If you want someone to feel like they're part of the family, then TREAT them like they're part of the family. If you don't want them to feel like they're part of the family, then don't treat them as such. It's your decision and you can live with the consequences.
But what you put out there will come back to you.
If I sound like I resent this
If I sound like I resent this child its because I do. I have given and given and given, made compromise after compromise to accomodate her into our life. I have put aside my own parenting beliefs in an effort to not rock the boat, to not cause conflict.
NONE OF THAT MAKES A TINY BIT OF DIFFERENCE.
My feelings and behaviors toward SD are the consequences of her actions toward me and my children for many years. I no longer care to kiss her butt to make her try to like me.
I get what you are saying, and I agree overall with the theory. However, I know in my heart that I have given the effort.
Your comments have a hint of the "you are the adult, she is just a child" tone, I don't necessarily subscribe to that train of thought.
Why should she put out there
Why should she put out there for a child that can't do the same. This is a gift for her mother. Only her bio grandchildren should be in the picture. If her mom felt like that SD was a real grandchild and had a relationship with her should she be in the picture.
It has nothing to do with how the OP should treat others. Very bizarre answer and honestly attacking of the OP. Not necessary.
If the kid had a relationship with the OP and her parents it would be one thing, but clearly this SK does not.
How can a kid have a
How can a kid have a relationship with her SM or her SM's parents if she feels like she's not accepted or wanted? Would you try to get close to someone whom you felt really didn't want you around? I wouldn't.
SM's the adult. It's the adult's responsibility to foster the relationship, not the child's. A child, especially a young teenager, is not on an equitable level with an adult so they are not equal in the relationship. The adult is responsible for communicating to the child that they accept them and want them, not the other way around.
Do you really think it should be left up to a child as to whether or not they accept or want their parent's SO in their life? Kids have NO CHOICE in this family dynamic. That's why it's up to the adults to make it work or not. Adults are on a totally different level of responsibility than children are. Kids are not equipped to reciprocate in relationships on a level that adults do.
JMHO.
The kid doesn't have to
The kid doesn't have to reciprocate, but they do not have to close themselves off from a relationship. Her behavior is actually rude and it is the DH's fault for allowing the SD to behave this way and not pushing a closer relationship with the OP and her parents.
Why are kids not held accountable at all for this? Doesn't make any sense that she can hide in closets, leave the building and be rude to the GP's. She should have to try. When did we stop expecting our kids to be respectful of adults? If she was 5 it would be different. But, she is old enough to know that there are ramifications to her behavior and one is not being in a picture.
It sounds like the type of parent in the restaurant that allows their kid to scream and disrupt patrons, because they are just kids and they need to let their energy out....
If her DH actually parented the child and told her to be respectful, this would not be an issue. The child would have some type of relationship with the OP and the GP's. But, he didn't and now the result is that the GP doesn't feel like this child is a grandchild.
Yep, I should have read
Yep, I should have read further to see this post first....I knew there was the "I'm the adult, she just a child".
JS is right, it's her parents job to teach her to respect others.
I have known this child since she was 6. She has never once been made to act appropriately, by either of her parents.
Fiona, I understand that
Fiona, I understand that she is a child, but I also understand that part of parenting is to RAISE the child above the childish things and teach them respect for others. I think that this child might be stubborn in nature and the best way to deal with her is to not let her see you disturbed by what she does, keep being nice to her and invite her to the picture taking, if she refuses just go ahead and do it without her! Male sure the child understands that these things are HER choice. SD needs to take responsibility for HER choices. Present DH with a fait accompli and when he asks 'what about SD?' put the question back on him, what about her?
Maybe the child is afraid and insecure? How do her siblings react with her? I honestly do not think it's healthy to continue to allow her to demonstrate this behavior without consequences. I certainly would not cajole her, nor would I dignify her hiding in the closet but there must be a way to encourage her not to? I do not always agree with making the kids 'all the same' when it comes to buying stuff. Each child is different with different needs, and wants. I tell ours that it's the old swings and roundabouts thing, it evens out when they think about it. What does SD want, or need? Aside from a good clip around the ears occasionally, did I say that out loud??
I understand it and you
I understand it and you understand it however I dont' think DH does or ever will. And I agree with you all the way. My plan of attack is and has been to be myself, not allow her to see that anything is getting to me, and to always be fair (not necessarily equal) and treat her as family in my home.
And my goal is pretty focused on making this HER choice. I don't want her or DH to ever come back at me and blame me for the lack of relationship.
My answer back to him was just that...what about SD?, what would you have me do differently? and he has no better answer, he knows the situation, he knows it's not meant to exclude her, it just is what it is. Its the result of many years of her choosing to not be a part of anything that is not BM. That extends to DH's family too, she takes no interest in them.
Well my explosion couldn't
Well my explosion couldn't wait anymore. I let it out. Small scale blast, few casualties, lol.
I gave my thoughts to DH. Told him that I feel like he is always hyper vigilant in making sure I am fair to SD. That I feel like I am under constant scrutiny to not become the 'evil' stepmom.
I told him that everytime he make a situation immediately about SD, when it's not, he puts too much pressure on me with his expectations.
Honestly, I think he got it. I didn't get the defensive stuff back. He tries to justify and say he doesn't mean it that way, but he didn't offer excuses or argue that he his right. But really, I think he could see where I am coming from.
That's progress!
Just make sure you dont
Just make sure you dont exhibit any of these traits.
1. You ask your husband to choose between you and his kids.
You see the kids as competition and you’re determined to win.
2. You don’t know much about your stepkids
You spend all of your time focusing on your own kids and your new husband and don’t see the need to get to know your step kids
3. You ask your husband to take you out to dinner on his child’s birthday, and tell him to celebrate the kid’s birthday on another day.
4. You don’t recognize the step kid’s birthdays or any other special events in their lives.
5. You treat your kids better than his kids
You make sure your children have everything that they need and let their biological mom figure out what her own kids need.
6. You interrupt your husband when he’s on the phone with his kids
What could he possibly be talking about that’s more important than you?
7. You let his kids figure out on their own, where to sleep, and put their stuff, when they visit their Dad.
After all, the beds in the house are for the ones who live here full time, right?
8. You have different house rules for your kids then for his kids.
9. You don’t let your step kids bring friends into your house.
10. You don’t let your step children spend any time alone with their Dad when they come to visit.