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To yell or not to yell...

psychout's picture

Submitted by psychout on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 2:46am

That really is the question. I have been pretty good at stepping back and letting my partner deal with his kids when they act out, and as brother and sister, they do frequently! However, I calmly, but using my outside voice, lost it on the daughter for disrespecting/harrassing her dad when begging him to put something together for her NOW and not the next morning like he said. If I hear her say "I want it done now!" and "thats not fair!" one more time because her not so urgent need is not being met... UGHHH! So now I'm the bad guy for interrupting her when she was talking to him and he was about to cave to her demands. I yelled at her when I was not included in the conversation. She won't talk to me now because I was rude to her. No doubt this will make it back to the mother that I am an evil, abusive parent that should not be left alone with them.. (Oh god willing!)

I personally would never let my son speak to me in that manner without him losing privileges. How does one cope? How does one set limits on behaviors that the other parent lets go??

Comments

PestyBrattyMama's picture

Submitted by PestyBrattyMama on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 6:06am

How old are the kids? I think "yelling" should be done as rarely as possible - like if they are about to get hurt and you need to get their attention quickly but talking sternly and letting them know you mean business is another story altogether. Sounds like you and your partner need to have a talk about what each of your expectations are when it comes to his kids and how they treat him and each other and how much you're supposed to deal with it.

Did he say something in front of her about you being rude to her? That would never fly with me!

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 7:38am

I am disengaged and normally never get involved in arguments, but about 8 mths ago, I experienced the same situation as you, ie the SD17 was yelling at her Dad, and I intervened because I felt she should not speak to him that way.

It ended up with her screaming at me that I was a bitch and her NPD BM coming to pick her up.
I never allowed my DH to leave the SDs alone with me when they were little, because I feared the NPD BM might trump up some child abuse charge against me.

I suggest that unless you and your partner are custodial, that you consider disengaging. It was the best thing I ever did regarding step motherhood.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

psychout's picture

Submitted by psychout on Mon, 01/21/2013 - 4:39am

Great advice!! I have disengaged and let SD12 behave her hormonal self talking back to her father and have let him get to his breaking point which has lead her to lose priv's and her precious electronic devices. I have stood by and supported DH's words to her without raising my voice but just providing rationale for what he is saying.... usually when I give my input, she walks away Smile

She needs to learn that making selfish demands will not work with everyone, however her persistence might serve her well in the future provided she learns to show respect too.