Where do you draw the line?
I'm just looking for some insight and maybe a little bit of a vent.
I have been with my SO for 2 years. We have BS 7.5months (born premature, should only be 4 months old) and 2 Stepsons who live with us full time and go to BM every weekend. SO and I have only lived together since March when Baby was born unexpectedly. Prior to his premature birth, my plan was to keep my apartment and SO keep his and move in together after we were married. We have been engaged since January. A week after Baby was born, SO lost his job. Out of guilt, fear, or whatever, I agreed to move in with him. Since Baby was hospitalized, we put off the wedding. I gave him the ring back in September because his kids are driving me crazy.
It is very difficult for me to be around SS9. My SO wants me to mother him but I find it increasingly difficult. My SO also wants me to pick my battles and that's what I have done. I no longer tell SS9 to brush his teeth, hair, take a shower, clean his room, put his food in the sink, ect. I discipline him for disrespecting adults, rolling of the eyes, talking back and being destructive. He whines about everything, cries daily, and every time SO and I are together, he physically tries to put himself between us. The most recent thing he is doing is crawling into bed with us. I work 3rd shift and I’m only home 3 nights a week. On those nights SS9 comes in about midnight because he is scared. Every night it’s the same reason. This has been going on for about 4 weeks now. The first week I tolerated it thinking that he might really be scared. It’s really starting to wear on me. I have given him options to help soothe him back to sleep (night light, turn on TV, radio) but all he wants is cuddle with his dad. SO and I had a blow out fight over it because I’m uncomfortable with sharing my bed with SS9. I ended up packing up baby and leaving at 2am. (There are obviously other issues but this is eating me alive right now.) I came back 3 days later and told SO that I feel like it’s my own personal space and it doesn’t feel natural to share my bed with SS9. I also told SO that I feel that SS9 is manipulative, and has some serious issues dealing the divorce. SO says I’m over reacting and that if baby wakes up in the middle of the night, that I have no problem laying him down with me.
Am I wrong? Do your Skids do this?
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You are not wrong. I feel for
You are not wrong.
I feel for you. You have the worry about the premature baby and the stress of working 3rd shift. You are the breadwinner and on top of it you have a mollycoddled 9 year old making you feel like the outsider in your own home.
The first thing you need to do is book a spa day for yourself and let your BF take care of both kids while you go and get pampered.
Then, when you've relaxed a bit you need to think about how you are going to get it across to your BF that he's screwing up and that he needs to step up and act like a partner, father and friend.
If it were me, I'd write it all down first. It helps me clarify things in my mind. Maybe you can give him what you've written or maybe it will just prepare you to say it to him.
Some points that he has to 'get' are: (not necessarily in order of importance)
1. SS9 has to learn who is the child and who is the adult. He is too old to be in bed with you and dad. If dad is letting him be there when you are at work it needs to stop.
2. Kids have as many issues with a separation/divorce as the parents have. If the parents are OK with it, the kids will take their cue from them. I'm not saying don't talk to them. Don't act like it's no big deal. They should be talked to but everything should not be treated like it's a huge ordeal. If it's treated that way, it will be a huge ordeal. If the child needs counseling, get it for him. If he just needs boundaries, set them.
3. Make rules and set boundaries. Dad can spend some amount of time focusing on child but the relationship between you and him is the most important thing. If that isn't solid - nothing will be. The child needs to understand, from dad, that you are here to stay and that the child has no say in the matter. When the child tries to come between you physically dad needs to tell him that it is unacceptable. 9 is too young to be in charge of the family dynamics and dad needs to make that clear to the child.
4. You have your hands full. Dad needs to take control of his child. Why are you the one that dad expects to mother the child? You are not his mother. Either dad steps up and takes care of 99% of the day to day stuff with his child or he has to give you full authority along with responsibility. Responsibility and authority must go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other.
5. Your boyfriend needs to cop on. Of course a baby with an adjusted age of 4 months would be more 'babied' than a 9 year old. This one really pisses me off because my bf is guilty of it too. There is a HUGE difference in the behaviour we expect from a 9 year old and what we expect from a 4 month old. I finally got my bf to stop that crap by telling him that if he wanted me to treat his 5 year old the same way I treated my 1 year old that was OK with me. His 5 year old could only have baby toys, would not be allowed to choose what she ate for meals, would not be allowed outside to play, would not be allowed TV, would not have a bike, would be expected to have long naps every day....etc. Stupid I know but the argument that it's not fair to do with a baby what you won't do with an older child is also stupid and if taking it to the extreme is what it takes to nip that idiotic argument in the bud then I'll make that stupid argument.
6. Whining - this also is a particular peeve of mine. SD5 whines constantly. It's become a habit to the point that 70% of the time it's her default voice. I refuse to speak to her when she says anything all monotone and nasally or when she's in full blown whine mode with the words all dragged out. I tell her flat out that I will not respond to her if she uses her ugly voice, that I know she has a pretty voice and that I will only respond to that one.
I realize that I'm rambling so I'll stop here.
Sometimes men just get stuck
Sometimes men just get stuck at puberty and don't grow up, don't they?
We went through a period of about a year when SO would compare.
I couldn't tell SD6 and SD4 to pick up their scattered toys because I didn't make DD1 do it by herself. I couldn't expect them to put their dirty dishes in the sink because I didn't make DD1 do it. I couldn't tell them not to throw their filthy shit-stained panties all over the house because DD1 didn't throw away her own diapers. I couldn't get frustrated when they whined and cried about every stupid little thing because I didn't get frustrated ever time DD1 cried.
It was a nightmare time really.
He mostly got over that but now he's doing it in reverse, sort of. I have a DD17 and now he expects that SD7 and SD5 should be treated like DD17. DD17 can stay up late to watch TV so why can't the SDs? If DD17 wants to go to her friend's party on Saturday I don't interfere so why do I make a big deal if SD7 wants to? Well duh, because DD17 can get herself there, get the gift and get herself home but for SD7 I have to drag everyone 60 miles away, pay for a gift, wrap it, find something to kill 3 hours of time with all the kids, pick her up and drive her back home.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other comments so far on this post.
You need a good nights rest especially working a 3rd shift, on top of having a baby. My concern is your partner not seeing that his son is an invasion. Frankly even if you did not have a little one of your own, I would be alone (single) before I was forced to allow a 9 year old sleep with me considering it isn't my child. Men/people and their need to make everyone feel that unconditional love for their child will baffle me until I am dead.
This is wrong on so many levels but the main reason is as simple as NOT WANTING A 9 YEAR OLD TO SLEEP WITH YOU! enough said. This is his child and he should take the kid into another room and sleep with him if he feel that need, you should not be imposed upon.Your bed is your sacred space with your spouse/BF
Good Luck !!!
Whateva
"I refuse to speak to her
"I refuse to speak to her when she says anything all monotone and nasally or when she's in full blown whine mode with the words all dragged out. I tell her flat out that I will not respond to her if she uses her ugly voice, that I know she has a pretty voice and that I will only respond to that one."
THIS is wonderful, and this is what I am going to say to my SD4 from now on... that is a HUGE problem with me, and the root of MANY of my breakdowns... the CONSTANT crying/whining... it is like nails on a chalkboard to me... while I know that it is ultimatly my responsibility to hold my temper and whatnot, when she starts that NOISE I am almost instantly angered and frusterated. THANK YOU!
Oh, do I ever understand! You
Oh, do I ever understand!
You have to make sure she's aware of what you mean though. I researched it thoroughly (had to because SO was against doing anything about it). Most of the experts say that you should mimic them at least once so they know what you are talking about.
I did this with SD13, he was
I did this with SD13, he was 12 at the time, and way to old for his crybaby behavior. It was driving me crazy and one day I just snapped! I "whaaaaa whaaaaaaaaa'd" right back at him. I felt awful and childish for doing it. It just seems so wrong to mock a child. But you know what? The amount of whining out of that boy has decreased drastically since then! The few times that he does do it, I just tell him that no one wants to hear it and he can go to his room until he's finished.
That's what happened to me
That's what happened to me too.
I repeated what SD5 had said using her same voice. SO hit the ROOF! He went on and on about how it was wrong to 'mock' her. I admit I felt a bit guilty about it too. So, I googled and guess what I found? Expert after expert recommending that the child be mocked at least once so they know what it sounds like. I showed it to SO and he couldn't argue anymore but he still resists this one.
You know, this is true
You know, this is true because I remember my mom telling me not to whine, but I had no idea what she meant - apparently it was the tone of voice, but when you are a kid you really don't know what they mean!
This is difficult because you
This is difficult because you have a lot on your plate. I have a couple suggestions in addition to everything else stated above.
If SS9 is scared, maybe BF should go and stay in SS's room until he falls back asleep. You and BF should probably sit down and figure out who's role it is to discipline SS. Yes, he lives with you FT, which makes it that much more difficult, but maybe making BF responsible for ensuring SS is taking care of hygiene and such.
Good luck to you.
I agree; no comparison at
I agree; no comparison at all; baby's need to feel secure and they actually tell you to cuddle them!
he should be in his own bed at 9!! if he is scared then dad needs to get up and tuck him in again and he needs to stay there. I would not want to share bed either
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your caring replies. I felt very alone in the way I was feeling about SS9. I'm not a big complainer but things are really difficult sometimes. I work 4X10hr days. I only sleep about 4-5 hours each day that I work. I usually sleep 2 hours after work, then I take care of baby all day while SO is at School. When he comes home I usually sleep 2-3 hours more before heading off to work. At the very least I want to get good sleep on the night I am off work. Yet SO has such a hard time understanding this. I only work 3rd shift so that SO can go to school and we can keep baby out of daycare this first year. (He had many problems with his lungs due to his prematurity and has remained on "house arrest" since coming home. ) Anyway thanks so much for allowing me feel so normal.
Ps: Here's a comparison SO used once..
Me: I think we should limit type of TV shows that SS9 and SS13 get to watch.
SO: Why do you say that?
Me: I just don't want the kids exposed to "Family Guy."
SO: So what your saying is you want them to be sheltered?
Me: In a way, yes
SO: God sheltered Adam and Eve and look where it got us......
Your SS-9 is not an infant.
Your SS-9 is not an infant. He has had his turn as an infant. It is now your child's turn to be an infant and get the attention that an infant deserves from his parents.
Your SO is flat wrong about his one and playing the "SO says I’m over reacting and that if baby wakes up in the middle of the night, that I have no problem laying him down with me.
" card.
An infant should be allowed to act like an infant. A 9yo should not. A 9yo who needs daddy in order to sleep is manipulating IMHO and your SO needs to put his foot down with the 9yo.
Your SO should also have no problem with a 7.5mo old needing to sleep between both of their parents occasionally.
Your SO has his head up his butt on this one IMHO.
Good luck and best regards,