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O/T: I am the Grinch

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 12/19/2013 - 10:01am

Tis the season to have the blues.

I used to love this time of year - so magical. And then my exH and I started trying to have a baby, and started having miscarriages instead. Now this time of year brings out the bitter in me.

I picture what they might look like, my lost little kids. I think about how old they would be, and how I'd make Christmas magical for them too.

People act like the skids are some sort of consolation prize. What contest in hell did I lose to end up with them? Other people's shitty kids do not fill the hole in my life. Never will.

I'm trying hard to keep the bitter buried down deep - FDH loves Christmas, as do the skids. I do not want to ruin it for them. I think I might take off to the casino on Christmas day, so they can be a happy family and I don't have to suffer through the constant reminders of what I've missed out on.

My arms are so tired of being empty.

Comments

StepKat's picture

Submitted by StepKat on Thu, 12/19/2013 - 10:07am

((((Hugs))))) I'm so sorry for your loss hun. You are not alone with how you feel. My sister tried for 6 years to have a child but wasn't able to. She ended up having to get a hysterectomy and will never be able to have kids. It took my sister a long time to accept this but it still hurts when she sees others with their kids. She now focuses on her career, her husband and their God son. It might help if you talk to a counselor about your loss.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Thu, 12/19/2013 - 10:16am

Queen, you just made me cry...i am in the same exact shoes as you, but with my current DH instead...yes, i am thankful that i have 3 beautiful BD's, i still long for one more child..i don't know why..i just can not shut that feeling off...i suffered several miscarriages with DH within the past 2 years...i cannot even begin to explain how certain days and holidays make me feel...please know that you are not alone...it's so bad for me that i can not even look at babies when i am out and about...i avoid them..i can't even go near the baby section at Walmart...i just can't do it....

((((((hugs to you my friend)))))........... Sad

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Thu, 12/19/2013 - 10:55am

I'm with a lot of you ladies.

I just turned 40. Now, I know it's not impossible to have a baby now or even several years from now, but I just don't want to do it at this point. I missed that bus.
I like to think that I'm fine with it, but I know it's a sensitive topic for me. If anyone "goes there" with me, they're likely to lose a limb.

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Thu, 12/19/2013 - 11:06am

I'm with you.

It's not fun putting on a happy face during the holidays for someone else's family.