O/T: Infertility survivors, a question for you
Has anyone here come through the dark side of infertility to have a child with her current spouse/partner? If so, I have a question for you: was it worth it?
Let me give you a little background on me (bear with me if this gets long)….. I was married to my exH for 8 years. During that time we lost 8 pregnancies. I was tested up the wazoo for everything – even flew halfway across the country to consult with one of the top specialists in the field. No one could figure out why I could get pregnant so easily but kept losing them – every test I had came back normal except for a treatable blood clotting disorder. My exH refused testing for years and when he was finally browbeaten into getting an SA done, it came back with zero normal sperm. The specialists were pretty amazed that I had managed to get pregnant even once with his crappy, deformed swimmers and chalked the miscarriages up to his defective boys, NOT me.
Over the years with him, dealing with pregnancy loss after loss, I almost gave up on life. I blamed myself and even though I knew that deserving a baby and actually having the potential to be a good mom have nothing to do with who has children and who doesn’t, my self esteem took a major beating. I cried enough tears to fill an ocean or three. I dealt with a deep, horrible depression and anxiety disorders. No joke, the sight of a preggo belly could cause me to have a panic attack. It was a miserable, soul destroying time. I isolated myself from anyone with children and lost many friends as a result.
After therapy and marriage counseling, I felt strong enough to leave my exH and actually was grateful that we hadn’t had kids, because I’d still have to deal with his douchebaggery if we did.
I healed. I found myself. I started dating FDH. Actually, truth be told, I fell one hundred percent head over heels in love with him. I cannot imagine my life without him. He is a fantastic man and our relationship is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. Except: he got snipped after skid2 was born. He knows how much having a child would mean to me and is willing to have a vasectomy reversal so we can try, because I am 36 and time is a ticking.
So here’s the point of this whole mess of a blog: we found out today that the reversal surgery we thought he could have might not work (too much time has passed since the initial snippage) and our other option would be much more costly. It would take a lot more time to save for that procedure, time that would turn the odds of success against us altogether. And I swear, I felt the black hole closing in on me again. Just like that. It’s amazing how quickly all of those feelings can come rushing back at a person. I’ve been fighting back tears all afternoon; I feel like that depressed, sad, grieving version of me all over again. I’ve been so happy the last few years and can’t imagine feeling like this again all the time. I don’t think I could survive it.
I just don’t know. Is it worth it? I’m not sure I could live with myself if we didn’t at least try, but I’m not sure I could live with myself if we did try and it didn’t work out.
- queenofthedamned's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I went through infertility
I went through infertility issues myself. My ExH had the same issue, low sperm count and low motility. It took a toll on our marriage and it's the main reason we aren't together anymore. We did 4 IUI's, one with Clomid (not sure of the spelling) and one with the shots. I hate needles and giving myself shots was an extremely difficult thing to do. I didn't get pregnant on any of the attempts. The fertility clinic was an hour away and I had to drive there so many times alone. I also lost a pregnancy as well. I researched on the internet and I found an article that finding out that you are infertile can be one of the most devistating things a person can go through. I really had to take a break from it all. It was very painful for me to even look at pregnant women and babies. I would just wish and wish that I would get pregnant. After a couple years from being divorced, I met someone who I fell in love with also! We had a baby boy three months ago!! He wasn't planned....but I feel like that was probably best. I don't think I could have gone through all those feelings again, like every month looking at the BFN....that was the worst.
In your situation, I hope that you can figure this out. I think that you are the only person that will be able to dictate how much emotional stress you may have to deal with again. You are really going to have to decide for yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope it works out the way you want it to!! (((Hugs)))
Thank you! I thought I was
Thank you! I thought I was strong enough to handle it either way but man, those emotions rushed back so quickly and so overwhelmingly! Congrats on your baby boy!
Dup
Dup
Have you guys considered a
Have you guys considered a sperm donor?
It's definitely something
It's definitely something we're open to if the reversal doesn't pan out; I just worry that we might not know that the reversal hasn't worked until I'm too old regardless. Ugh.
I would, but adoption of an
I would, but adoption of an infant is quite pricey and possibly out of our range; also, FDH has a criminal record (from his youth, 15 years ago) which might make it difficult to get home study approved.
Idk your situation or place
Idk your situation or place of employment, but where I work has adoption assistance where they pay some of the adoption fees. It's a 'hidden' policy & I would never know it existed if someone didn't tell me that they used it. You have to ask about it, they dont' tell you about it at orientation or anything.
FDH just got a reversal 12/26
FDH just got a reversal 12/26 after 13 years. He goes for his first SA next week. It's expensive but we both agreed we had to atleast try, if it doesn't work then I guess thats the way it is- we would rather travel and enjoy life then spend $20,000 on infertility treatments. Altough it would be heartbreaking. We just hope for the best. Our surgeon said we have an excellent chance and don't be so set on the amount of time that has passed. There's many success stories thats been YEARS since the vasectomy. It only takes one![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
13 years? Wow! DH had his
13 years? Wow!
DH had his after YSD stb15 was born. I figured.... yelp.... it would be too much of a heartbreak to get it reversed and it never works because so much time has passed.
Good luck!
I know, we are hoping for
I know, we are hoping for thebest but preparing for the worst. Wouldn't be as bad if EVeRYONE didn't know about it. Between FDH and his kids...his entire family knows.
Good luck! It's only been
Good luck! It's only been about 9 for FDH, but that's when the odds start changing. Fingers crossed for you!
Thank you! The surgeon saw
Thank you! The surgeon saw live swimmers during the surgery when he checked his semen and everything went well, no blockage or scar tissue tubes were wide open so we will see!!
fingers crossed!! Hurts knowing we want something so bad and Skid and ex would bask in thier happiness forever if it didn't :sick:
Yay for live swimmers! Thanks
Yay for live swimmers! Thanks for giving me some hope!
How long did it take
How long did it take fightingcrazytrain? Did you do any vitamins or supplements to help?
FDH wants one even more then I do, I hope it works
And I feel the same way, I want him have a child thats not brainwashed by someone who hates him, uses and takes advantage of him. He's such a good dad and plays into the guilty role bc he's willing to do anything just for a relationship with them![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your story! He did get the full reversal. His urologist asked why we don't try IVF instead of him getting the reversal, after we talked about it, got another opinion and the surgeon gave his opinion we decided to try the reversal it's cheaper then IVF, and a relatively simple day surgery, he thought we have a good chance.
We will find out the quality and quantity of his swimmers next week and go from there. If we need to do something simple or not too expensive we will, we just don't have ten's of thousands to put into it right now.
I'm trying to keep my hopes up but I do know I will be pretty devastated if it doesn't work.
Thanks for hope![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
I was at the point where we
I was at the point where we were told that we would be unlikely to conceive without medical intervention. We had decided to give ourselves 3-6 months to sit with that information before taking any further steps. And I was pregnant the next month. We'd been TTC for two years.
I think some of the strengthy of your emotions are related to how traumatic TTC was for your with your ex. It sounds like he let you sit with the feelings of responsibility for not having a baby. It always seems like it's so easy to get pregnant - warned about it from the time you get your period, warned about it again in health class, when you start dating, etc etc... and then you are finally READY and it doesn't happen. It can make a woman feel, well, not womanly. It's isolating and it hurts. Then it sounds like you had a jackass adding to YOUR negative experience. For me with my DH, it was something I took more personally, but I know he was equally invested in hoping we would conceive, and equally willing to do the hard stuff when we didn't. (He has a hospital phobia, so even going with me, never mind when he went for his own tests, was super-difficult for him. But he did it.)
My advice to you and your DH is to sit down and really know for yourselves: Do you have a wonderful and joyful life together without a child?
I think you already feel that yes you do. So you could see all of this as being a different path. You know you will have a wonderful life with your DH. Maybe a child will be part of it - wouldn't that be great? But maybe not - and your life together will still be great.
My DH and I live in a country where attempting to conceive, including up to three IVF attempts, are covered by health insurance. My cousin lives in Canada and they spent a LOT on IVF (and are joyfully expecting a baby in May). I don't know that we would have been willing to spend more than our downpayment on our house for the opportunity to have a baby. If it was a sure thing, then yes... but to take a big financial risk would most likely not been our choice.
I'm glad we have our baby girl, she is an absolute delight to us. But it is a LOT of work, it was waaaaaay harder than even all the warnings suggested, and although I wouldn't change a thing, I have no doubt that without her, our lives would also be wonderful. (But it is wonderful to have her sharing her life with us too, just in case it sounds at all like we don't adore her!)
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
"I think some of the strengthy of your emotions are related to how traumatic TTC was for your with your ex. It sounds like he let you sit with the feelings of responsibility for not having a baby. It always seems like it's so easy to get pregnant - warned about it from the time you get your period, warned about it again in health class, when you start dating, etc etc... and then you are finally READY and it doesn't happen. It can make a woman feel, well, not womanly. It's isolating and it hurts." You hit the nail on the head right here.
I think I have some soul searching to do. I do not want to live as a shell of a person again. Even though my FDH is wonderful and supportive, I went back there so fast today - kind of like a PTSD sufferer.
We struggled with infertility
We struggled with infertility for four years, and yes, it was worth it. I was resenting DH because he already had a kid, so I had to die trying or else everything would fall apart. The worst part was that my DH was the problem...non-existent sperm count...and he refused to get checked out. It was like pulling teeth to get that initial SA. He also refused to finance infertility treatments, so I flew to the Czech Republic to have it done for a fraction of the price. For the first couple of years of our marriage, I didn't have any concrete tries at getting pregnant, and that was the worst.
Each person is different, so you know deep down whether or not you can handle it if you try and it fails. I refused to accept failure, but that's only me.
I am not the type to accept
I am not the type to accept failure either (hence the 8 miscarriages) but that part of my personality almost killed me. I am so glad things worked out for you! Czech Republic, hmmm..... must start doing some research! thanks![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
Thank you, notasm. I am
Thank you, notasm. I am coming to terms with the fact that motherhood may never happen for me. What I need to come to terms with is that motherhood (or the lack thereof) does not define me. I've been so content lately that the emotions I felt today were a total slap in the face. Right back in the boat, paddling for shore but never getting there while everyone around me sails right by to land. Ugh.
It so nice to hear that you have found happiness!
{{{{Hugs}}}} DS11 was
{{{{Hugs}}}}
DS11 was conceived on the third round of IUI with clomid & Shots (i forget what they were called). Was it worth it? Absolutely.
But the 2 1/2 years trying were awful. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant, the hormones made me crazy, and if one more person had asked when we planned on having a little one i was going to commit homicide. Hang n there and try to remember why you wanted to get pregnant in the first place.
Everyone seems to be pregnant
Everyone seems to be pregnant when you're trying, don't they? Thanks for the hugs, and glad everything worked out for you!