I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. We also are going through something similiar..this psycho freak just made new rules about 2 months ago that when the exchange occurs (this takes place at SD25 house so she and BF do not have to see each other,) that ss has to be stripped to nothing...not even underwear can be worn...we were clueless about the new change of her pea brain and since we didn't know about it we weren't prepared..psycho told SD that if ss had to leave naked that was not her problem........so before we left that first time SD took ss8 into bathroom and stripped him..he was cying and upset etc but she put him in some clothes of her children and now we know that when we make the exchange we have to have clothes, shoes, underwear the whole nine yards.. it sucks major for ss..I feel horrible for him. We've never had a problem returning his things.. we usually send him back in what he came in...this is just another game of control for her I guess.. it is only hurting the child.

..psycho ex's suck....

is that because of the problems that we had in the past, by NEVER receiving the clothing back, only old ratty ones that we would not allow the child to be caught out in the street in.....we tell the boys on Friday nite to get in the tub...yes, come here filthy too and they are 11 & 14. There clothes that they wore here are then thrown directly in the washing machine. They are to wear our clothing here (as she has NEVER supplied a bag for them and the cs paid is supposed to cover this), and on Sunday when they return home, they are to wear exactly what they wore here on the Friday.

We make it a point that if we have to go somewhere before they are dropped off, they wear our clothes and they change in a bathroom somewhere before they are dropped off to her.

Once we made this new change of rules, BM was furious because the nice clothing wasn't coming to her house anymore. Why wouldn't she be? We dress all of our kids in nice clothing, no holes, fit properly AND they are clean. Even if the kids get a new outfit for a gift, it stays here. That way we know they will be dressed appropriately while they are here.

Hubby had to get it stipulated in the court order that BM MUST have proper footwear on the kids, and clothing appropriate to the weather on the kids when dropping them off. A lot of times they wouldn't show up with winter coats on or boots, but a sweater and slippers if you can imagine...when there was 3 ft of snow outside. I am not saying that the winter clothing is clean by any means, it usually goes in the washing machine too the night they arrive, but at least they have something to wear outside.

I would suggest you do what we have done. We listened to a lot...and I mean a lot of gripping from BM...at least a full year's worth of her complaints that we were "keeping" the kids possessions, but we didn't budge. Now the kids know the routine when they get here and know they are to dress in the clothes to go home in....works out wonderfully. If BM wants to let the kids walk around in filthy, tattered clothing at her house, so be it. We are hoping eventually that the kids will drive her nuts about their appearance while at home there.

Another issue we have is with their hair. The oldest 14 is lucky to bath once a week and his hair is absolutely discusting anytime he comes here. We go over the hygeine with him each and everytime....in one ear, out the other. The youngest, 11....has seriously NOT had a haircut in over a year. His hair is long and BM does not show them that they should wet their hair or comb it when they get up in the morning. His hair looks as though he has just gotten out of bed at all times....and get this one, he has 3 aunt's...one is BM's twin, that are hairdressers. We know BM is only doing this because we think appearances mean a lot in dealing with people...this is just another way to get at us. So we have left it and left it, when we have to go to the next "important" function with the kids, he is getting a hair cut somewhere. This will be a fight because ss has already told us we are not allowed to get his hair cut anywhere, cause mom said. Guess they will both be in for a surprise when it happens. Its an embarassment to us and the kids on what she does with them..and what I don't understand is, she is always dressed nicely in clean fashionable clothing. She always has her hair done up. She is never dirty....so why on earth would you not want the same for your children? Does how they look not reflect back on her in public? I would think so.

Good luck with this one!
Corie

Cheri, do not send her in your clothes home anymore. Put her in the exact same clothes she came in, clean of course. Then you will no longer have these issues. Hygiene, well what can you do, if you have tried, take them kids and get there hair cut? why wait for her, obviously she is not going to do it at all. So why wait on her? Just take the inniative yourself, and do it with pride. Pride that you give a hoot about these kids! SO what if she calls you to complain about things, just reply with sorry and well we felt we had to since you were not going to? Leave it at that.
I wish you luck..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"

Ok I have the exact same situation and I have been dealing with it for a long time and this is what happened many years ago we use to send SS to BM's house (we have custody) with a nice clean diaper bag, and nice expensive clean clothing well when we would get the bag back it would be all soiled with all the diapers taken out of it and all the clothes gone, as SS got older and we had exchanges we would send him in nice clothing and a jacket since in WA state you can never predict the weather he would return wearing tattered clothing "not from our home" and no jacket, and during the school year she would return him to school with no back pack and no homework done of corse, so in one year I kept count and bought 5 jackets and 4 backpacks. After all of this I finally stopped buying clothing and backpacks. All the while my husband would e-mail and talk to BM about returning clothing and backpacks she did the samething and say present her a list and she would make sure it all was returned and of course we did but she would not return it, but of course she did not. I went as far as buying SS used clothing to wear over there and she freaked out and cut holes in all his clothes and returned him to us wearing these clothes with holes in it when I asked him what happened he said BM did it, I do not know why. One time I forgot to return her items at an exchange because the clothing was in the dryer and she flipped out so from then on out my husband said not to wash them and my SS was to change as soon as he returned home and put the clothing in the bag and he would wear the same clothing over there next time, regardless if they were filthy or not. and from here on out it has seemed to work well. I feel bad for him since he has to go to school wearing dirty clothes, sometimes BM will even send him without underwear, but hey it is mom and if she feels it is ok to have her kid dressed this way and look this way, then I am not going to fight it anymore I wasted many years trying to have her be a better parent to her own child and in the end I realized she is just not going to be and I can not waste anymore of my time and energy trying to teach her that. I am really sorry for your situation and I hope my experiences will help you in some way.

we FINALLY gave up on this battle once and for all, but our kids range from almost 9 to 13.

My ex and I always worked together well and I know what *I* bought and what he bought. We both either (1)Send them back in what they came in or (2)Bag up clothes from each other's house and send it back with the kids.

BM is a whole different story and while I understand her theory, it's not exactly same/same... she buys ALOT of second hand clothes, which would be fine, but SD has a stepsister that is a lil younger so the clothes tend to fit the stepsister and be small, tight, short on SD. BM feels like the clothes, shoes, whatever things it is we buy for SD BELONG TO SD AND IT DOES NOT MATTER WHICH CLOSET THEY HANG IN. Well, that's all fine and good BUT we buy clothes that FIT her, shoes that FIT her ... so it is very frustrating to have her come here looking like a homeless child when she leaves her looking like a normal, well kept child.

The battle has now ended tho... we sat down with the kids and told them they are all now old enough to be responsible for their own belongings. If they take and/or wear things from our house to there... it is on THEM to get it back here. We will NOT be making any special trips to go get this or that. Nor will they call the x and ask for things to be brought here. If they have nothing but old worn out clothes/shoes to wear... so be it. That's what they wear. If they take their IPOD and forget it... oh well they do without when they are here.

It was a never ending battle with it not always being fair to the kids themselves because we were handling things on a case by case basis depending on the x situation... it seemed the kids were paying for the adults actions. So now, they wear what they wear, they take what they take and we are NOT being put out by it. You have NO more shoes you like here? I suggest YOU bring some back here!! *shrug*
It is what it is...

she doesn't want things to run simple, she finds amusement in tormenting your wallest and sanity about the littlest things like clothes. The simpliest way you can end your game is to not send anything home with your sd. It sounds like punishment, but it isn't, you keep a wardrobe over at your house, and send her home in the clothes she came in.

She also is wanting to make your sd feel bad and disloyal to her by visiting her father by making her own daughter look ugly in outdated/worn out clothing. It's another form of sabotage to work on contaminating her own daughters' experience when she visits her father.

Our bm use to refuse to allow ss to wear a jacket in 32 degree weather just to force us to buy him a jacket for our house. Risking hypothermia for her kid just to make dad spend another $50.00. I hope it was worth it to her. Now at 13, ss refuses to wear proper clothing in the winter, so he goes to school in the winter wearing shorts and no jacket. School officials must go nuts with him and his mother.

Some people were raised by wolves!

Candice

Sending that poor baby to you like that. I would take pictures of the clothes and the way she looks. You may need it in the future and you will have proof of BM's neglect. As for sending your stuff over there, wash what she came in and put her back in that when it's time to return her. I would absolutley have to tell BM that if SD shows up dirty one more time, your going to take action. That poor kid is ging to have a hard time keeping herself clean when she gets older. You may be her saving grace.

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

My husband has three girls - I bought them all "Daddy's Girl" shirts and "My Dad Rocks" - that's what I send them home in. I always get those shirts back.