I told him that I would like to see the stepkids and work on rebuilding my relationship with them and he said no. He said that his living situation is working out better then he hoped.

Well, there you have it.

Of course his kids are happy-- it's probably one big Disney Dad fest over there.

I hope you are receiving child and spousal support right now. SS can kill all the kittens he wants to. Do you really want to try to attach your star to that mess?

It is a good sign that he is willing to move the tutoring to the library. But I can tell you if a man isn't getting some, he's eventually going to find a place to get it. What you have right now isn't a marriage and it won't be for a very long time. And the skids don't up and disappear at 18. Are those the people you want to spend time with for the rest of your life? Would you have picked them for friends if you knew them outside the marriage?

He still wants to stay married just not live together because of his kids.

Not because of his kids, but because of how you treated his kids and how you acted when they were there.

I changed once I got pregnant. My husband should stand beside me during this crisis I am having.

And if it had just been him, he probably would have but you were taking it out on his kids.

Now that he's living on his own, he realizes that he's happier. He stays at his own place, even when he doesn't have his kids, correct?

DH doesn't want to go back to a bad situation, and that's a smart move. It's only been a few months- don't pressure him to re-integrate before it's clear to both of you that things will be different. Counseling, used correctly, can help bring about that clarity. The choice isn't between him coming home immediately and waiting six years- for example, if it is the case that all issues stemmed from hormones, it may become evident within the next month or so and DH may have what he needs to reunite. DH is doing the right thing by proceeding cautiously, and you should be following his lead.

Hon, you got pregnant and had a baby. It changes you forever. Before you held that precious life in your hands, life got to be about you. I know you love your husband and put your marriage first but when it came down to it, you were only responsible for yourself. And now here is this beautiful child that you are responsible for. It isn't just hormones. I know in my case, I changed a lot. I wasn't as fun or carefree as I used to be. I was now responsible for the life of someone else. My priorities changed. My idea of fun changed. Hell, my idea of what constituted an emergency changed. I also felt unconditional love for the first time. I loved my friends, I loved my family, but I REALLY loved my child. Is it possible that you have changed? Maybe the man you chose to share your life with just doesn't fit with the new women you are becoming. Or maybe I'm nuts.

Ok I can't tell if you had a really bad episode of postpartum depression (and yes this can include during pregnancy) and made life terrible for him and his kids or your issue with your SS went long before that. I've been reading your blogs, and honestly if I were your DH Id do the same. I wouldn't want to raise my kid in that environment. What you need is counseling just for you in addition to couples counseling.

What I don't understand is why on the weeks your DH doesn't have his kids he doesn't come live with you. Or you with him. That I don't get.

OP...what do you want to do next?

I think the fact that he will not come live with you during the week he does NOT have his kids is much more telling than his very reasonable answer of not wanting his other kids to have to be around you.

I really hope people will take a warning from your story (and many like it). Sooo many sms come on here talking about how they hate their sks, their partner "doesn't parent" (if the kid does something even remotely foolish or assy like kids will do at times or even for long stages), etc.., Venting is one thing. Saying those things to your spouse creates a hurt and a rift so deep and wide it can often never be healed. It also seems to make most dh's lose their appeal for sm, hence they leave and everyone talks about 'oh great for you he and his kids were such a pos anyways, go on to your great life'.

However it is only then that some sm's wake up and realize they made a mistake. That every relationship they are in will have difficulties, of course they have convinced themselves it was all the other guy so some never learn from it. Even you were like all I'm going to get legally separated and if he doesn't pay attention to me i deserve he will be an x. Well now he is (in reality almost though not yet officially).

I don't think your marriage can be saved (due to the fact he doesn't even want to live with you when his kids are gone). However if it can making demands, storming out of counseling won't help. It just makes him see more of the same nonsense he is escaping. Stay away from your friend that encourages you in wrong thought patterns. Get strong and capable on your own. Your own (healthy) friends, your own interests, mom groups, start or strengthen a retirement plan, redecorate how you love it, get spiritually involved somewhere. You will then have the strength to be a happy strong single mom and in the process if he rekindles his feelings for you then that is icing on the cake!

There are a couple things I want you to think about but first I'll start with this:

You have a lot on your plate. You are dealing with depression and you have a newborn. Your living situation was completely turned upside down (regardless of whether or not you over-reacted to the snakes being fed kittens-which I would be concerned about too). You're headed back to work unexpectedly and now there are times when your newborn isn't in your care. All of this is incredibly difficult and it's no wonder you're constantly upset.

But-you need to focus on yourself and your children. You need to plan for the worst (divorce) and hope for the best. Go to bed every night knowing you have done all you can do and focus on pushing it out of your head. You have to try to stop your mind racing, you have to want it to stop. Take a deep breath and think about a few things:

1.) DH doesn't want to reside with you. You are in an extremely fragile state and IMHO you deserve a little consideration too. If he won't do it, then take yourself into consideration. Do you want to stay with DH because it's familiar and all the change has put you in complete upheaval?

2.) Is seeing him like a boyfriend too much for you right now? The knee jerk reaction to the latter question will be -no I'm trying to save my marriage-BUT I want you to seriously search your soul, be honest and think about whether or not this is how you want to spend the next 6 years of your life. If it isn't-let me be the first to tell you-you are going to be okay with him or without him. You have teaching to fall back on, two beautiful kids and all kinds of good things that you can pull energy and drive from. Don't let this situation suck that out of you.

Right now things aren't getting better because your focus is out of whack. You need to focus on yourself and stop tying your mood to him and his reactions to your requests/your feelings. If you don't, you'll tailspin every time you think you might be losing him and you need to know in your heart of hearts that you don't need him, you want him to be with you but you don't need him. You're in fight or flight mode a lot seemingly. Time to count the facts and get yourself grounded.

You can do this.

What about suggesting counseling for you and ss? Then you and the kids? Work on rebuilding the relationship with a professional.

Hope this is not too personal. Sorry if it is. How did you treat the stepson during your pregnancy and after. You make references for poor treatment. Thinking back. Do you think you could forgive your partner if he did the same to your son? Do you think your husband can trust you again?

I hope for peace for you.

The man wants to live in a home where all of his kids are welcomed.

He isn't prioritizing one set of kids over the other. Hell, if anything, since both sets of kids are now growing up in separate homes,one could argure that he's ensuring that all of his kids are on an equal footing.