I inherited my SD when she was 9, and she treated me in a similar manner to what you are experiencing. We have never formed a bond, and now that she has become a teen it is worse. She finds ways to get even with me for being her Dad's wife, like running up hundreds of dollars extra each month in cell phone charges, having parties with her friends in our house when we are not here, etc.

What I have come to realize is you cannot make someone love you, or force yourself to like or love someone. Either you like each other or you don't. It's funny because I love her older sister very much. She and I are great friends, but there is nothing lovable about my youngest SD.

Telling your BF how you feel will only cause problems between you. My DH has accused me of not liking SD and I admitted it. He is heartbroken about it and it has caused problems in our relationship. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that I understand.

...but here goes, anyway! Please remember: IT'S JUST AN OPINION!

You've compared her to someone else's dog jumping up on you and freely admit you don't like her. You made it a condition of your marriage that she NEVER can live with you. Well, gee, if I were your SD and you felt that way about me, I doubt that I would be signing up to be your new best friend, either. I'm not surprised that she isn't warming up to you.

I'm not trying to be rude and we all know it's a whole lot easier to cast aspersions on someone else when you don't know their entire story. Maybe I don't know the whole story and am way off base. I'm truly not making any judgments here, just wondering why you expect her to be affectionate and kind towards you when you don't express that to her. Okay, maybe you only show the dislike here to us, but kids can pick up on that. She's only EIGHT! Maybe she's insecure. Or maybe she just doesn't like you, either. But regardless, you are the adult and I really believe that the adults have to be the ones to take responsibility for nurturing the relationship. You can't make an eight-year old child responsible for the failure of the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship.

You don't want to be around when she's there, you can't wait until she leaves... I mean, I am positive that you aren't telling her flat out how you feel, but could it be that she's picking up that vibe from you and is, I don't know, maybe afraid to try? Or could it be that she's just not an open, welcoming, outgoing person? You say she doesn't have an endearing nature. Well, neither do I, but there are still people in this world who love me for me. Maybe you two are just different, but why is her personality "wrong" and your personality is "right?" Who decided that?

And you really can't compare her to your own child, because not all kids are the same. I have a son (9) who is somewhat reserved, shy, a little uptight, not really openly affectionate and yes, he's developing a little bit of an attitude that we sometimes have to put into check. My stepson is 11 and he's VERY outgoing, very demonstrative, very laid back. My son would just drop dead if I put my arm around him in public, but my stepson would just love it. My two stepdaughters are very different, too... one more demonstrative (14) and one who's a stuck-up, pain in the ass, smart alec manipulator who probably has a voodoo doll that looks just like me. So could it possibly be nothing more horrible than just your average, run of the mill personality conflict?

You don't have to love each other or even like each other, but you do have to co-exist, so why not let her off the hook. If she smiles at you, then great! If she doesn't, then so what?! How does that hurt you? I totally understand wanting and deserving to be treated with respect, but I also know what it's like to have a stepmother who hates your guts and, believe me, that can really hurt a child. You are using "Realist" as your handle, but I don't think you are being very realistic. I think your expectations for this child are a little high for her age. You're expecting her to like you, when you admittedly don't like her. And it doesn't matter who didn't like who first, what matters is that you're the adult and you have to be bigger than the eight-year old CHILD. I'm sorry, but I have to agree with your DH on this one... I think you are the one with the issue. If we were talking about a teenager, then yes, I'd say she needs to meet you halfway, but with a child this young, I think we stepparents have to understand that it's up to us to find a way to connect with the child(ren) and make it work.

One last thing, the thing about the sheets really bothered me. I mean, no, it's probably not your responsibility to make sure she has clean sheets on her bed and if you and DH have a clear-cut division of labor within your home and washing her bedding is his responsibility, then he deserves to be smacked upside the head for not providing her with clean sheets. But as a mother and as a woman, I don't understand why you don't just throw them in the wash, since you know they are dirty and need to be laundered.

~ Anne ~

P.S. I've been keeping my mouth shut a lot lately because I've been finding myself siding more with the BMs than with some of the SMs that have been posting lately, and since I don't really want to get called a bitch again and be crucified on this site, I've been keeping my comments to myself. But I have to say that I'm amazed with some of the stuff I'm reading lately.

Come on, you guys, we are talking about CHILDREN here! When we're commenting about how much we hate the ex or how annoying the kids are... I mean, I came here to vent just like the rest of you and I have plenty of venom to spew when it comes to the way I and we have been treated by my husband's ex-wife and their children. But at some point we have to ask ourselves, "Aren't I better than that?" God, I hope the answer is yes, otherwise, we'll all end up losing the stepfamily game. I think Janice was right when she posted that she wanted to try to put a more positive spin on things, instead of feeding into the anger machine. As much as I've bitched and moaned about my own problems here, I have to agree.

I don't know where I'm going with this, just rambling at this point, I guess. I have two sick kids and I'm worn out from taking temperatures, cleaning up vomit, handing out medicine, rocking pitiful little bodies to sleep. I finally got everyone down for the night (I hope!) and wanted to check in here before I went to bed myself. I guess when my little ones are sick, it makes me ultra-sensitive to ALL little ones out there in the world.

Love you all, even if I totally disagree with you and vice versa! GOOD NIGHT!
_____

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I agree completely! I don't particularly jump with glee at the sight of my stepkids either...they are adult age now but that is not there problem. If they were my own kids and had the same personalities, I would probably be fine with them...but they aren't. I have to own that and not take that out on them. I chose this life...they didn't and I will make it or break it. I refuse to dish out any misery to them as a result of the choices of my husband and I. I like the positive spin idea...there is so much that we could offer each other that is positive, not devious or hurtful and in the end we would feel so much more empowered for all the right reasons! Great post and thanks for the positive energy!

Over the years I have learned that my personality scares and intimidates people. I think it's strange, but it's true. Assertive woman have a habit of making people feel as though they are just too forward and they don't know how to intergrate with people like that. I know, b/c this has been pointed out to me about my personality. Some people just don't know how to take a woman being so assertive, so they label that person as bitch or feminist, when possibly that is not the case. Is there a chance that this little girl might think your personality is overbearing and she just can't handle it?

And just so you know, I really don't like how my ss behaves at all (he is 13 and highly ill mannered). My dh and I have a good routine as far as discipline and chores, but if my dh fails to do something to take care of his son, even though I am totally unappreciated by ss, I still help my dh out by taking care of ss (like washing the sheets). Your sd is too young to be expected to maintain clean sheets, and if your dh forgets, I encourage you to put your feelings aside and help your dh provide a clean home, meals, and yes clean sheets for this little girl. I think of it as helping my dh, rather than helping my ss. And believe me, I do have resentment towards my ss, but all in all, when he needs something for his health or education, and my dh slips...well, I will still help pick up the pieces. Just some food for thought.

Good luck on your exams.

Candice

Realist I love your personality. And I am only offering my opinion. I know how tough this is for you. I am a bio and step mom with issues in my own home and that is why I come here. To help me deal with the cards I chose.. I love my husband and all my kids very much and they have all hurt me, made me angry, made me cry. It is just a very stressful life we lead. But no matter how tough it gets I love all of them.

My point to you is, I have a daughter who is going to be 11 and just about 1 year ago her dad started dating for the first time in 7 years. She was completely devastated. She had so many concerns about me and my feelings with her dad having a GF. This little girl could have issues with you because of her mom's issues maybe. She could feel like if she shows anything feeling wise towards you that she may hurt her mom. I cannot say for sure.
But she is 8 and no matter how mad she makes you or hurt you are. Which is how I see you is hurt. Why? Because you are still there trying. You are at the point where your hurt is turning to anger. And I am not at all saying its easy or that you should take the high roaed because you are hurt. If I were in your shoes and trust me I have been, I would try to talk to her alone. Try to set time aside and try to do whatever it is to make you and her bond. Maybe your personality is scary to her. I know I am a very tell you like it is, loud person and I think my SK were pretty afraid of me when they first met me. They have since learned a lot. I just tried to teach my SD something last night about this stupid boy. Hopefully it will work.
The other thing is this is your husbands daughter in which case it can make or break your marriage. I see him getting hurt by both of you. Not just her and not just you. You are both two very important and special people in his life and he loves both of you, so he is probably very torn right now. He can't choose between the two of you, can he? I imagine not.
I hope I am not offending you. I know as for the BM side of the situation. I always try to wear two hats, it does not always work for me. This morning if you read my blog, it took coming here for me to see my current little issue in another light..
I think that you and SD need to get to know one another. I am not totally 100% on your whole relationship and how it happened..
I can say though that my daughter was so much better off with GF when she learned that I was ok. My SK are much better knowing that there mother and I have a relationship now. Things are better. That is not to say that I couldn't smack the crap out of my SD sometimes and SS or even my own kids but I love them all the same and would do anything I could for them.

I am sorry so long.. I probably could ramble more..
This again is all my opinion.
Ok..
Happy

and as usual, the last to post... geesh I always feel like I'm missing something! Like... hurry up, you can do it, you're almost to the end now baby!... it's not too late... LOL...

Okay, Realist. I don't know everything about you, I don't know your entire history, but each time I read your post, I get and gather a little bit more about you. I don't think your bad, mean, or cruel. It is perfectly natural to have personality clashes. It is perfectly normal to NOT LIKE YOUR STEPCHILDREN.... (Oh, gaps from the crowds! How dare a stepmom say that!)

It sounds like you really are trying and attempting to no avail. But would I would like to ask you is how often in the two years do you truly see this child? Does she live with you full time? I'm just curious. Or, does this child come and go between homes? I don't remember if you mentioned this, I'm too lazy to track the posts... forgive me, I'm dealing with a lot myself right now... but I just am curious to know just what the daily interactions really honestly are between you, because then, it may make sense, or may not.

It could totally be a personality clash between you. It could be this child has a deep seeded resentment against you for whatever reason we don't understand yet. This is what it sounds like to me. She could be projecting all her 'anger' towards you for whatever she's upset about and with that, you need counseling to fix.

Second, anger is just a form of hurt/pain. So when people are angry or mad, it's just another form of hurtful feelings. They lash out because they are hurt and need to feel relief. So, in many ways because you have attempted to no avail to make things peachy with this child, she rejects you and you are getting hurt, which festers, then you get mad. Vicious cycle as it goes, isn't' it.

May I suggest that perhaps it's time to sit back. When you have attempted some form of communication and it's not working, you leave the room and count to ten. Take a deep breath, try again with a different approach. It really really sounds like you may have to buckle down and be patient with this child. I also think that you may need to get counseling for this too. That way, you'll have tools to use to walk you through this. It will take time, and by no means will you be able to snap your fingers... if it were only that easy right!?!?! Man, if I could just wrinkle my nose every so often, life would be grand!

Hang in there. Let the negative roll off your back. Take a deep breath, and walk away when necessary, but don't give up. Never give up. It may have NOTHING to do with you, but I agree with happy that this could totally, and I truly feel this is the case, that this child is resistive to you out of guilt. I think she may have some deep seeded resentment for you for which she doesn't even understand.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...