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For the record

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 11:53am

1) I have never raised my voice to BM until the incident described in my earlier blog. I have never touched her except when she has asked me to rub her back because it was sore.

2) I have left all decisions about parenting up to BM and BF. I have never told BM what to do regarding the boys.

3) The boys being in school impacts my life significantly.

4) My BF and I are in a committed relationship and there are reasons that his divorce isn't final. We are married in every way except by the paperwork. This does not make me any less of a step-mother to the boys who are at our house 50% of the time and who we take 50% of financial responsibility for.

Thank you.

Comments

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:43pm

I agree. You did the research on the immunizations, you called the school. You arranged most of this. This was the parents job and honestly you did not need to be at their first day of school. Why are you not getting this??? You may have the kids sometimes, but they have a mom. She sounds much nicer than I would have been.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:12am

Thank you. I know that there will be positive and negative reactions. I also know that I'm not in the best place to be filtering right now (well, yesterday at least, we'll see how I do today) so I stopped even looking.

I appreciate you.

caya506's picture

Submitted by caya506 on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:28pm

"A stepfamily is formed by the marriage OR long-term COHABITATION of two individuals, when one or both have at least one child from a previous relationship living part-time or full-time in the household."

caya506's picture

Submitted by caya506 on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:33pm

freedictionary.com

or this one from wikepedia:
A stepfamily, also known as a blended family or reconstituted family, is a family in which one or both members of the couple have children from a previous relationship

caya506's picture

Submitted by caya506 on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:38pm

Society and definitions continually change. While, yes, the strictest definitions of step-family say "marriage", the definition is now being expanded to include all cohabiting couples.

caya506's picture

Submitted by caya506 on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:39pm

I know, the point was she overstepped, but I just wanted to respond to the point that she isn't the step-parent.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:22am

Both SS's wanted me there. BF asked me to be there. BM said she expected me to be there.

The issue isn't that I was there on the first day of school.

The issue was that I choose to do something in the moment that I thought was best for the boys. If SS5's class hadn't moved during that time ... none of this would have been an issue to BM. The issue is that she has dictated that I am not to take any action without consulting her first ... unless it works out best for her, then it's okay.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:26am

Thank you for the life learned advice. I'm sure you understand that it's easier to hear and understand than to absorb and adopt and actually LIVE the lesson. But hearing from others who have learned the lesson makes it easier to get to in the long run.

Thanks again.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 8:08am

I give good back and shoulder massages. And I enjoy giving back and shoulder massages. We were out in a group, BM was having upper back and shoulder pain and knows that I do this ... I honestly don't remember if she asked or if BF recommended it first, but because I was still trying to be pleasant, cordial and friendly, I agreed. She appreciated it and said it felt better and had even asked me, at least one other time, for more.

I am a touch oriented person who finds it grounding and joyous to give comfort and care to all living things... even ones I don't particularly like.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 5:43pm

I'm sorry ladies - but I disagree with some of you.

RHSM - please don't let anyone tell you that you overstepped boundaries there. Every situation is different.

If I had blogged about all of the ways I had parented SD for the past 7 years or so many people would also tell me I overstepped.

Your BM got going when she realized she could have been too late to get SS in the class she needed him to be in. She could do the work, DH was going to let her do the work, and then she procrastinated. You helped light a fire under her butt by calling and letting her know what you found out. In effect, you helped BM do what she was supposed to do all along. So in my opinion, it was a good thing you called.

Our BM used to do all of the school registration type stuff, etc. But wouldn't talk to SD about life, etc. She would pick up SD and turn on the radio and not talk to her kid. My DH's strengths with SD are in the way he talked to her and communicated with her, the way he loved her, and how he helped her develop a passion for reading and learning. He was the one that helped SD with her homework, even if she wasn't with him for the night. She called him to ask questions. Each of them had different strengths with SD, and I filled in where I could.

The thing was, BM could have felt that I was overstepping... because of the position her and I were in. DH never felt that I was overstepping because he appreciated the extra help to get SD what she needed.

I honestly believe that overstepping can be a matter of perception. My advice would be for you to do what you husband is comfortable with, and what helps the skids. And if BM feels like she has been overstepped, then that's HER PROBLEM, and she should have taken care of it in the first place.

DH and you are a team. And so, if he trusts you / asks you to help him, do it. I do, and it has helped our SD so much. I can't tell you the progress she has made from when I met her at 8 to who she is today. Smile

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 6:20pm

HappySearch - I get what you mean. I have definitely been aware of BM's feelings and try not to shove things in her face.

BUT... if a child wanted to hold my hand, and not his mom's, I would have to gauge the situation. For example.. was the dad there too? And the child still just wanted to hold my hand? Then that's fine.

Am I going to not hold a child's hand because the mom might get jealous or have her feelings hurt? So my choice is to somewhat reject the child because the mom's feelings might be hurt? That's a tougher call. I think I would pick the kid over the mom, to be honest.

And yes, I would hug SD in front of BM, but you are right - I do it more discreetly. Because BM has a bad relationship with SD here, so I don't want to hurt anyone.

It's just that if RHSM and her BF plan on her being in the kids' lives for a while (and it seems as if they do - and the mom lets the kids stay in the same house with her).. then I think the mom is just playing the "mom card" when it comes to school.

The school should know who Stepmom is. Especially if there's any chance of her picking him up, writing him notes, dropping him off, showing up at functions where BM and BF cannot be...

This is one of those situations that I feel like the adult's nose is out of joint over their own insecurity rather than the reality that Stepmom showing up at school does not displace who the bio mom is and who the bio dad is. The kids can benefit from everyone just getting over themselves.

Another example of this, is that no one would have thought anything if a grandparent or aunt, uncle had perhaps shown up for whatever reason. They certainly wouldn't be told not to come in. They would be looked at like an adult in the child's life. A Stepmom is a PARENT. And the BioMom has to understand that or else she will constantly feel like her role is getting usurped.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 7:15pm

A.Deville... Yes, I didn't think about that, so you are right. PLUS we have that maddening story out there now about the Stepmom that possibly (probably) killed that little boy (Kyron). So, you are right. I still think though that the school district should be aware of a stepparent...

marie21's picture

Submitted by marie21 on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 11:03pm

Wow! Most of you guys are harsh and sooo judgemental!!!
Don't assume anything if you are not in her shoes!
SO WHAT if she is not yet married!
I wasn't married for the first 3yrs either and yes he was still married...b/c BM was claming she was pregnant with another child of his and she was trying to delay the divorce by not showing up etc...But guess what when the DNA test finally came thru and then it showed it WASN'T HIS! SO you never know the situation...most of these EX'S are EVIL! (FYI-she was the one tht cheated and left)
And as far as everything else goes....Guess what...as much as I love my DH and he is a good father...he is a procrastinor...so, since I am more of a go getter.. I AM the one that calls the school to find out important dates...I AM the one that makes appnts for school conferances...I AM the one that finds out everything to be two steps ahead..AND YES BM never like that abt me..

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:53am

Thank you, Marie.

Anyone who knows both BM and BF will tell you that they are both procrastinators and do not look ahead. BF lives very much in the present, and in my opinion, BM lives in the past even more than the present (but I admit, that is my opinion ... even if I could get others in their lives to back it up! LOL!)

I believe that I also am on the "let life take me where it will" side of things, and I know that I am a procrastinator ever since I was born (late!) ... however, my previous job of 12 years (I was downsized last September) had me on the road 50-75% of the time and I had to learn to plan things out, look at what was coming down the road and write things out and make lists to keep on track when things seemed overwhelming ... And as much as part of me would like to quit using those skills ... it feels like someone has to do it or it won't get done.

So to some I may look like a control freak (and that would make most of my friends and former co-workers laugh, because I was always the laid-back one that they thought flew by the seat of my pants). BM has had no complaints when it is stuff that makes her life easier and that no one else sees. And yes, this time I did stand up and say, "Hey, I'm not going to do all of the ground work, research and leg work just so that you can reap all of the attention." I've never said it before, but really, is that wrong?

Oh, well. Thanks for the understanding words. It does help to know that there are others out there who have been through similar things.