If she died only three years ago, there must be an online obituary. Have you tried searching for SS's or BM's name? They might be mentioned in the obituary.

He made the choice to not be her life while she was alive. He should leave her and her brother alone now.

The pain and devastation he is feeling now, may be his KARMA for the choices he made 20 years ago.

I can understand why your DH is grieving. He probably thought that he could build up a relationship again with his children now that he is in close proximity. But, SS wants nothing to do with him and he hasn't spoken to SS or SD in 20 years. I think you and your DH should respect that. SS obviously harbors a lot of anger for being shut out of his father's life, just as you and DH hold SD responsible for the breakdown of your family. I would harbor a lot of anger if any of my step children harmed my child and then lied to have authorities come after me. I don't blame the both of you for doing what you needed to do at that time.

It seems like you've done all you can to find out what happened to SD. And, trying to contact people close to her to find out will just cause those people emotional distress. I think your DH should talk to a therapist to try and work through emotional issues that he's dealing with from finding this out and also to help him give SS boundaries at work. SS didn't ask to have his dad work in the same office as him. It seems like SS is respecting those boundaries, so I think your husband needs to figure out how to do that as well.

You can hire a PI, they should be able to figure out what her name is and where is is

There are web site that you pay for information that might help a Never isi it so don’t know
You can start with SM name and address trying to get SD new name
Marriage records of the state where she live
High school Facebook page class of.
The key is to fing out New last name.

DH needs to respect his son's wishes. It seems like SS is well versed in how to inform the 'authorities' of being 'threatened'. So DH leads by example. He respects his sons decision and keeps to himself. After all, he is the new kid on the block and SS has had several years to tell his story.
As far as finding out if his daughter is deceased, ouch! This may not be something that he will discover in a few days. It may take several weeks or a month or 4. He needs to be patient. He hasn't considered the possibility of his children predeceasing him before. And does he really have a right to know if his child is deceased? Really? When he hasn't been part of their lives for many years? As he hasn't sought out his children before he doesn't get to claim the entitlement to have the right. I am sorry but to assume his kids will see the error in their BMs ways and their entire lives have been a pack of lies ... It is like the guy who is accused of rape and at the trial he is found innocent. How many people will believe he is really innocent? So why would his son suddenly realize everything is not as it always was?
DH was looking for the day he could reconnect with his children. Now that is more unlikely than ever. Just plod on and search for his daughter. She will come to light one day. DH doesn't talk to or about his son at work or in any arena work colleagues can access like FB.
And who knows, maybe his son will come around. Or maybe not. DH has to live with whatever happens so therapy will definitely help.

Considering everyone involved has been an adult for quite some time, everyone has made their own choices to remain estranged. For some people, choosing to be violent and assaulting others to the point of hospitalization is completely forgivable behavior (for skids only -- any other category of human is "toxic and abusive and you need to get away from them").

I hope your husband finds out what happened. I'm sorry for the pain this causes him.

Honestly, this is on your husband. There is a huge difference between taking a step back while maintaining open lines of communication and walking away for 20 years.

I found my stepfathers exact date of death by searching the Social Security Death Index. It's cruel that no one notified DH of her passing.

We just read about a poster's stepson who steals from them and does drugs and causes his druggie friends to break into their home and he has fathered a child that he doesn't see or support. The very good advice was to stop the codependent enabling behavior and to let the kid go his own way. I think if my own child
Was like this and caused one of her siblings to be hospitalized with major injuries and had me arrested, I think that yes I would cease all contact with my own child until she had grown and changed. I don't think that is throwing them away like trash. I think that is protecting yourself and letting your kid grow up and mature and face the consequences of their actions. But people who behave in such a way probably do have a higher chance of meeting an untimely end. I was estranged from my father as he was a drunken and abusive man with criminal tendencies. Who here is suprised that he died at 36 and that he never got his act together and we never mended any burnt bridges?

Does your DH have internet access? Does he know how to use Google?

There’s a plethora of sites that will tell you EVERYTHING you need and want to know about a person. For a small fee, of course. I think People Finder is something like $10. That’s just pocket change to your DH, making all that money... right?

Save yourself the time and mental energy of going around and around and around with strangers on the internet, by pointing your DH in the right direction. This is on him - not you.

If he really wants the skinny on his daughter, he’ll find a way to find out.

This post is being monitored and edited by a moderator.

I don't think I'll ever understand the line of thought that a parent can just 'drop the rope' and a child will come seek them out years later on knees begging for 'forgiveness' for some 'sin' supposedly committed by a minor and everything will be all fine and dandy.

It's been a while, but I've read a few blogs here over the years with the same idea. That somehow the child (who can be anywhere from age six to sixteen) will hopefully grow up, see the light of their immature brain capabilities and crawl over pleading for forgiveness and declare themselves perhaps worthy of their parents love now. Please, oh please, Daddy dear, forgive me for I was wrong. Bleh.

Twenty years is a long time. Neither one of the people (the now grown child nor the parent) are the same. And there is no turning back the hands of a clock. Not to mention not all children were the 'guilty' party all those years ago. Sometimes it was indeed the parent who set the stage for the troubles. But of course, this is Steptalk, where skids and BM are always at fault. Many times it is true, sometimes it is not. I have no clue what happened in your case, nor does it matter. Twenty years is a long time and these children who were once a part of your husband do not intent to try for a relationship now.

Yes, if your Dh feels a need to find the truth on whether his daughter is still living, he has the ability to do so. I'm sure he once loved her very much. But with that said, he needs to leave these still living adult children alone. They have chosen to go through the rest of their lives minus their father. For whatever reason. Right or wrong. There will be no coming and begging forgiveness from these children. They have made that clear. Now leave them alone.

Do your research, find Dh the information and stop insisting your Dh has some legal right to intrude upon these now grown children. Stop hanging on to some silly dream that these grown children will somehow find their way back to their father , ask for his forgiveness and grovel at his feet for the man to give them a second chance.

FWIW, my SS's biological mother was dead for six years before SS by per chance found out. None of us knew, it's how the BM had wanted it to be.

A member called notasm3 is married to a father whose two sons were both losers. The elder was a violent gang member, so of course they weren't close.

When the eldest son died, the BM did not inform the father until AFTER the funeral.

Not surprising how the sons turned out with a mother like that.

OP,,,I hope someone can find the truth about dh's adult daughter.

The Private eye would work or the suggestion about Ancestry was good too.

Here’s my suggestion: go back to her Facebook page and try to see if you can look st her friends lists. If you can’t then try to find your SS’s instead. See if you can find any pictures of her. If she’s died they would have changed their profile pics to be with her or had an open post about the arrangements. Try to identify her bestfriends and see if you can look though their pictures to catch one with her and see if there’s any comments hinting she’s alive or not. Try to find their Instagram pages or twitter.

STARK REALITY by Dr Craig Childress

Google it to the naysayers of Pathogenic Parenting. There is nothing a target parent can do until the child is in protective custody.

Redin, I understand your focus right now is confirmation of SD's death. However, there is another issue your DH must face which can have consequences which will affect your future. That is his continued employment at this office where SS already works.

You've said, "...this is a huge step up for him in his career and a huge financial increase for us." You've also indicated that SS had referred to your DH as a "sperm donor" when he was introduced. And SS told DH to "F-off" when he asked about SD and then reported him to HR, who basically told your DH to mind his own business. Evidently, there is also a record that you were arrested due to family problems with the skids. I can only imagine that SS will continue to gossip, bad-mouth and perhaps undermine your DH's continued employment there.

All of this does not bode well for your DH's future there so he needs to be very, very cautious or he will find himself out of a job.

It appears that your SS has already spread the word in the workplace that his father is a piece of sh!t, rightly or wrongly. So your DH has stepped into a workplace environment which is already hostile to him, rightly or wrongly.

Quite frankly, while your SS complained of "harassment" by DH it is my opinion based on what you wrote that SS is also guilty of "harassment" and should be given guidelines by HR, too. He referred to your DH [a new employee in the workplace] as a "sperm donor' to others and then cursed at DH when he asked a question, albeit a personal one.

When DH asked about SD's death, the SS should have said, "I don't want to discuss anything of a personal nature with you so please don't talk to me unless it's strictly work related. If you do so again in the future, I will report you to HR."

What will happen if your DH needs to ask him a legitimate work-related question? SS should be required to respond in a professional manner to DH.

It would concern me if the HR department immediately brought your DH in with his boss and gave him guidelines, and did not do the same with SS. Sounds like they may have their minds made up about DH, which could be problematic for him. Most employers don't want to deal with these kinds of family/employee issues (thus many companies have anti-nepotism policies) since it's no-win, time consuming and affects the bottom-line too much.

Many companies will look for a legitimate way to get rid of the lowest-hanging problem. Which in your case, may be your DH. After all, he is new to the workplace and is older (and age discrimination against the middle-aged and older is very rampant and difficult to fight.)

If your DH is under probation as a new employee, I would ensure that he avoids SS at all possible costs and makes detailed notes of any instances where SS says anything which can be considered harassing or undermining (what was said, where it was said, who heard it, etc.)

Good luck.

Why must your DH work with your SS after 20 years of no contact? Seems like a bad choice.

I’m really good at finding stuff, if you want private message me her name and I’ll see what I can find.

I think your title is wrong. DH knows his daughter is dead. SS told his co-workers about it three years ago. What he is looking for now is why/how she died.

If it's possible to go three years on Facebook, looking at posts from her or SS's friends around this time should yield some answers as her passing would most likely be mentioned.

You could also try ancestry.com If someone in the family is into genealogy she might show up in a family tree.

It's easy to judge, but it's wrong, we do not know our husband or the situation, and it does not matter,

I think DH should keep on ignoring SS, (however I would send him a nameless note and ask why don't you change your last name, you really want to be known as that man's son) DH worked hard to get where he's at and he should simply ignore the snot and go on with his life....

Regarding his daughter, hire a PI and see if you can find anything out, but it's not SS who said anything it was a co-worker, why would the co-worker talk crap about this, DH simply should've said, yes it's hard and walk on, there's nothing you or DH can do that will change the history, and S clearly does not want to forgive or respect some one,

I'm so sorry you and DH are going through this. My dad hadn't spoken to my grandma in several years when she passed away. It's something that still bothers him, and she passed away 22 years ago.

No matter the situation, everyone deserves closure. I have no advice on how to find out, but just word of encouragement to keep trying. I understand.