Feeling angry, sad and guilty all at once
So even after the "breakthrough" between SD14, DH and I over the past few days, I STILL feel uncomfortable with her being in my home and we're moving to the 1 bedroom apt next Saturday, which now I'm dreading when I was very happy about it before.
He made plans to have her this weekend, unbeknownst to me when I wanted to take this weekend and just tie up loose ends, pack some boxes and spend with DH alone because from here on out, it's going to just be non-stop through the holidays. We'd previously discussed that SD was going back to her mom's since she really didn't want to be here during the week and in the email he had me type up to BM, SD would resume every other weekend visitation with us starting Nov 3. So I was thinking the rest of this month would be spent packing, getting things moved and settled in before I'd have to deal with her sleeping on my couch and sharing my bathroom.
DH and I used to have amazing communication and this connection that seemed unreal to everyone around us. We literally know what each other is thinking. Can predict what the other is going to say or do and say the same things at the same time, ALL the time. Ever since last weekend, we haven't been connecting at all and we've been arguing, which we just don't do.
He's all happy that SD is back in his life. I'm not. It means giving up weekends, some Tuesday evenings and just having that freedom to be spontaneous and if we want to do something, we can. Not anymore. I got so used to life without that kid having to be there and I LOVED it. Sure, I felt badly for DH not seeing his kid, but damn, we've never been so happy, peaceful, relaxed and comfortable. Now she's back, and I swear it feels like the puzzle I finally got pieced together just got thrown onto the floor and scattered and someone's hidden a few pieces under the couch.
I'm feeling selfish, guilty and extremely sad. Selfish for wanting to have DH all to myself, guilty for not wanting his kid around even if she's being a total angel, and sad because I was SO happy without her and now have to go back to having her around again and being uncomfortable in an even smaller space.
Guess it doesn't help that my hormones are raging (thank you PMS). All I want to do is go home, crawl in bed and CRY...
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Oh no..I'm sorry you eel so
Oh no..I'm sorry you eel so bad. All of those feelings are normal. and yes...PMS makes them worse! You will get used to the weekends. Just thank your lucky stars it is ONLY every other weekend!!
It has to be hard... To be
It has to be hard... To be away from your own 14 yr old dd, and have to put up with 14 yr old SD. Makes it hard to really sympathize with him missing time with her when you miss so much more time with yours.
Take that 200 a month you are saving in the smaller appt to go visit your daughter a few extra times this year. Maybe k.owing that the extra aggrivation of being stuck with SD in the small place means that you see dd extra will help you deal with it.
^^This. I'm kinda wondering
^^This.
I'm kinda wondering if you just don't like the "encumbrances" that come with being a parent.
You don't see your daughter often, and she doesn't really affect your "free/me time" in your life.
Your DH is going to see his daughter a whole whoppin' 4 days a month, and you're upset about it.
Perhaps you should try to explore WHY you don't like having kids around??
I'm a FT parent. DH is a FT stepfather. He *was* a 50% of the time father when they were younger We don't do "spontaneous" because of it. I just don't get why you think parents are entitled to spontaneity?? And why you are unhappy being spontaneous for 26 out of 30 days??
That's not the case at all.
That's not the case at all. I LOVE time with my kid. Then again, she's respectful, mature, doesn't have to be the center of attention, is self sufficient and SUPPORTS our marriage. She loves us. I'd give ANYTHING to have my daughter live with us full time.
SD is the polar opposite of DD. Even my DH said he wishes SD was more like my kid - he'd have far less worries. He said he'd love it if the schedule were reversed - that we had MY daughter full time and his only during summer and spring break/christmas. Because she's just so fucking difficult to be around and mine is NOT. Even DH's family and friends don't want to be around SD - THAT says something about her character...
I told DH he's more than welcome to see his kid whenever he wants - he simply doesn't have to have her HERE all the time, where she invades my space because I'm uncomfortable with her around. Moving into the smaller apartment is just going to make things way worse.
The REASON I'm uncomfortable? Let's see: since day one, she's tried to rule our relationship (I don't like it when you kiss Mel in front of me, stop it dad), tried to throw me under the bus by lying to her mother about things I "said" when I hadn't, has intentionally hurt MY cat because he is MINE, tried to poison the fish tank, throws major tantrums when things don't go her way, and has NEVER wanted us to be together. Threw a massive fit when she found out we were engaged and literally threw a tantrum in the middle of the amusement park when we casually mentioned getting married someday down the road. Flat out said "I don't want you to be together, you belong with mom". Not once either.
So yeah, again, you're bringing MY daughter into this where she has no bearing on the current situation. I love having her around. I miss her tremendously. I wish she wanted to live in Colorado. I had full custody of her up until she decided to leave a few yrs ago. So I've had more full time contact with her than part time and would give anything to have that back, but I want her to be happy, first and foremost.
I wish I could take that
I wish I could take that extra money we're saving and go up to Michigan more often, but the truth of the matter is, DH is going to use half of that to kick in for the next 7 mos to BM to help pay for SD's Washington DC trip next year. AND if she ever answers his email back with regards to taking him to court for more CS, there's the rest of the savings we had from moving.
And what's worse is over the summer, DH came up with the idea of starting to save $$ toward moving east to Virginia. He was over the moon excited, has wanted to leave CO for a long time and have a fresh start. Well, fast forward to this week, when he asked me what I was thinking and I said "it looks like with the extra $$$ that's going to be going to BM and SD now, VA is likely not going to happen next year". He replied "when she's 18, we're outta here!" Oh, so the kid is back in your life for a matter of days and our whole entire life's plan has to be put on hold? I don't get that! So I asked him, "why should we have to wait until she's an adult to move?" And he said, "well, I just now got to see her again and if I move thousands of miles away, how will that work?" I swear, I wanted to slap him upside the head. He's known my daughter has traveled back and forth for years now, what - his daughter can't do the same??????????? I was floored.
We had a long discussion last night where he said he still wants to move next year, and will work out a schedule with SD, but now I can't be sure if he's only saying that to appease me and if we DO move, will he resent me and regret being so far away from his kid????
I had no choice to be away from mine, but she and I have an excellent relationship and he's known that from day one.
I can sympathize with this.
I can sympathize with this.
I know people always say "You knew when you got together with him that he had a kid and that she would be part of your life too, and that you'd have to share your partner and your space and you'd have to be open to changes in the custodial and visitation agreements, etc." And on a logical level, I get it. Of course that's the way it is and of course I "knew" what I was getting into (or did I?). But that really doesn't help when you have half your brain being logical and knowing that this shouldn't ruin your life, but then the other half that just plain doesn't like the situation and wishes you had DH all to yourself.
I too feel selfish and guilty for getting annoyed with SD (only in my own head) for just being there - even when she doesn't even do anything wrong. I don't know how to make this better. I've tried bonding with her, but I find her personality annoying. I've tried disengaging, but then DH thinks I don't care about her, and therefore, him. Nothing changes the way I feel about her and it makes me feel like a bad person. I know a lot of it has to do with DH's attitude when she's around - like he's on edge, argumentative, less affectionate, etc. and then when she's not around he's the most lovable sweet thoughtful person I've ever known. It makes me resent SD because she takes this man away from me and replaces him with his crotchety doppelganger every other weekend. If ever something happens and she doesn't come over for a weekend, it's seriously HEAVEN!!
I guess I can't offer any helpful advice, but just know that I understand what you're going through and I naively hold out hope that when she's an adult I'll have more time in between her visits to enjoy the wonderful man I married.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your understanding and support. It helps just knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings of wanting her gone even if she's being a total angel, and that just by her being around makes me uncomfortable and want to run away.
My DH doesn't necessarily change when she's there, but he does sense the tension and isn't himself either. Our communication and connection that was once soooo unbelievably amazing has just tumbled down the abyss and I don't know if it'll ever come back.
Yes, I knew that she'd always be a part of our lives and invade my space. I was already deeply in love with him before she started really making our lives Hell. She was all sweet and "loved me" at first, when she thought I was a casual relationship that wouldn't likely last. Once we became serious and she knew I wasn't going away, she began her relentless campaign to separate us. The ONLY reason I didn't run for the hills then was because DH put me first, put his foot down and didn't give in to her anymore. Once she knew that he wasn't going to roll over and give in, she became ten times worse.
How do you cope? Do you leave every other weekend when she's around? Hole up in your room with wine and a book? I feel like if I make myself scarce she's "winning" and has the power of "gee, my sheer presence runs Mel off"...but just looking at her makes me feel anxious, sick and my nerves shoot through the roof.
How do I go on and not let this affect my marriage?
"I feel like if I make myself
"I feel like if I make myself scarce she's "winning" and has the power of "gee, my sheer presence runs Mel off"...but just looking at her makes me feel anxious, sick and my nerves shoot through the roof."
Wow - this is exactly how I feel too! I used to work every weekend and holiday, 12 hour shifts, for the first 7 years of our almost 10 year relationship, so I wasn’t around her a lot, even though SD would tell her mom I was "stealing all her time" with her dad. So when I quit my weekend job, I started making it my business to always be "around" (self-fulfilling prophecy). I too feel like she "wins" somehow if she can drive me off, but, just like you, my anxiety and nerves jump right off the scale and I literally have anxiety attacks when she’s around.
Sometimes, just telling myself and hearing from DH that it's our house and our lives and they don't revolve around her does make me feel better and more comfortable with her being there. It’s totally a frame of mind thing. My mom once said that I allow her to occupy too much of my mental real estate, and I shouldn’t let her have that kind of power over me.
This sounds strange but there’s something from a Friends episode that has really helped me. It’s the one where Phoebe's husband killed a rat in their apartment and it turns out that it had babies, so they put all the babies in a box then carried it around with them, obsessing over what the rat babies were eating, doing, etc. to the point that they were frazzled, frustrated, and exhausted. Finally the husband said "This is going to sound crazy, but what if we don't let the box of rats ruin our lives."
I often repeat this to myself to reaffirm that I'm the one at home and she's out of her element. I have control over the situation. I should feel confident and comfortable in my own house. Why am I letting her control the way I think and act? That’s the kind of psychological warfare stalkers use, and she is definitely not smart enough to pull that off! There is no point obsessing over her because I am an adult and, at the end of the day, she is just a box of rats.
at the end of the day, she is
at the end of the day, she is just a box of rats.
That had me laughing so hard today! I must've missed this post of yours before but I was re-reading everything and found it.
Thanks again and you're right. She's just a box of rats!
what? why are you allowing
what? why are you allowing your DH to spend extra on his kid if it's YOUR money? makes no sense...
No one said it's "my" money.
No one said it's "my" money. We're married, we share all expenses. The extra $200 per month we're going to be saving by moving from a 2 bdrm to a 1 bdrm, was going to go into a savings acct to fund our move east.
SD14 just informed us that she has this class trip coming up and BM paid for it all, so DH said he'd chip in his half, by giving her an additional $100 on top of CS every month for 7 mos to pay for his half of SD's trip.
So there's half of the money we're saving per month by downsizing to the smaller place. IF BM decides to take DH to court for more CS since we're not on the 50/50 schedule anymore, there goes the rest of the money.
I never said it was "mine" so not sure where that misunderstanding came in...
He feels obligated since
He feels obligated since she's his daughter and BM shouldn't shoulder the entire burden herself.
Even if SD14 got an odd job, she'd most likely not make enough to cover the entire amount or even $700 (DH's half).
In the CO, it does state that the parents will split any extraordinary expenses such as school trips, medical expenses not covered by insurance, etc.
DH feels that he's obligated to pay half so I can't tell him no. It's his choice, his kid.
I paid for my own yearbooks, class ring, senior pictures, car, car insurance, etc. But the kids nowadays don't seem to have the same responsibility.
I completely disagree. My
I completely disagree. My situation with my daughter was in place long before DH and I even met. He's asking for 5 days or less per month with SD14, spending only 2 overnights.
He respects me and always has. I accepted that he had 50/50 custody of his kid prior to moving in with him. That was MY choice and yes, it makes me miserable to have her around, but I'm never going to tell him he can't have his kid there. She will respect me and treat me civilly, as I will her, but I really got used to being just the two of us all summer long and I want to go back to that.
Hang in there, Mel, there is
Hang in there, Mel, there is still a good chance this will not last long. In the meantime, go on about your business in YOUR home as you normally would.
Thanks for the support. I
Thanks for the support. I just feel so trapped in a corner. You know? Like everything I had over the summer (the peace, the freedom, the tension-less weekends) is all gone and I'm mourning the loss.
I kinda know how you feel.
I kinda know how you feel. SD16 lives with us fulltime. This past summer she ended up spending the entire summer at BM's mothers house. I felt like a normal person for the first time in 5 years. My house felt like MY house, not sharing with a strange kid that stares at me and makes me uncomfortable.
Then school started the first week of September and she's back fulltime!! I am back to be uncomfortable, hiding my stuff, anxiety, stress between me and DH (I know he is uncomfortable around her also)it just sucks!!
Luckily she is gone most weekends so I have that to look forward to.
I am counting down the days until she moves out, hopefully when she turns 18. Then I guess BD4 will have a normal childhood without SD being jealous of every little thing!! And DD10 will be much happier too!! I will be having the biggest party ever!!
I honestly could NOT handle
I honestly could NOT handle SD14 full time. If by some strange force of nature, we end up with her (PLEASE GOD NO), I seriously would have to move the fuck out. She drives me insane.
I feel for you. Having the house to myself for the past few mos was sheer heaven. I guess I have it great compared to you. I shouldn't be so pissy. I could have to deal with her all the time and then put a bullet in my head...4 more years, just 4 more years!
It absolutely does suck
It absolutely does suck having to deal with her on a daily basis all the time. But....I wonder if we had her every other weekend or every weekend would it be worse? DH would want to spend every second doing something she wants to do and that would be a nightmare. Her living here is me having to deal with her, but DH is always working. She is ok with me usually if he is not around. She gets extremely weird when we are all together as a family. I try to avoid that at all costs!!
She is usually gone on the weekends and thats when me, DH, DD10 and BD4 will go out to dinner and do fun family stuff. Its so mean to say but I like that she is not with us for that. She is 16 and doesn't want to hang out with us anyway so its all good!!
But I have to hide everything I own, including food. I spend way too much time hiding in my bedroom. And if I want to do something nice for my kids either I have to hide it from her or wait until she is not around. I am DONE doing nice things for the ungrateful brat!
I am so looking forward to the summer and hopefully she will be gone again!!
And that's the hard part.
And that's the hard part. Having to live your life that way. Hiding your own stuff (we have to do the same especially with food. The kid is a HOG), hanging out in your room, worrying she'll find out about something you did with your own kids...it's just not a good way to live!
When SD still had Facebook last summer and it was her week to be at BM's, and my daughter was in town, I'd post that we went out for lunch, dinner, to a movie, whatever and within 1 hour, SD was on the phone with DH crying that SHE WAS SO LEFT OUT...SHE NEVER GOT TO DO ANYTHING WITH US. Blah blah blah. My daughter can't stand her either.
It got so bad that I deleted her off FB because I was tired of hearing her bitch and whine every single time we did anything or posted a photo - anything that didn't include HER...
Thank god my SD doesn't have
Thank god my SD doesn't have FB. This is exactly what would happen. You should have seen the meltdown she had at our wedding! "I'm so happy for them. I'm so glad my dad chose someone as nice as her, blah blah blah." Yeah, right. She was just crying because she wasn't the centre of attention, and it was her way of trying to bring the focus back onto her. Before you say anything, I know this for sure. No one, but no one cries all through the ceremony, from before it even starts to an HOUR after it ends. The look on her face when the minister had her sign the register was priceless. In that moment it was like she realized it was actually happening. Wailed for another 15 min.
Oh trust me, I totally
Oh trust me, I totally believe you. My SD14 is the same. Major crying fits, temper tantrums, ANYTHING to put the spotlight on her.
We purposefully got married out of state in a very tiny, intimate ceremony with just us on a beach and had a reception here in Denver a couple weeks later when my daughter and mom came into town. SD14 was disinvited, because she threw the biggest shit fit that we got married in the first place! Plus, DH KNEW she'd cause a scene and didn't want me to have to deal with that on our special day.
I relate to this. My SD13
I relate to this. My SD13 also "stares at me and makes me uncomfortable." and my DH has also told me he is uncomfortable around her too! It does make for some stressful weekends. I don't know what we would be like if we had her full time like you. How do you deal with the tension it causes between all three of you?
Coconut - you totally just
Coconut - you totally just made me smile so big!!!!!!!
Even though SD14 IS getting better (seemingly so) she still irks the shit outta me. And you're right, DH is definitely my true love. It took me 38 yrs and 2 failed marriages to find such a lovely, sweet, dedicated, trustworthy, honest and GENUINE man who treats me like I'm God's gift to him. I don't plan on letting him go for anything.
We went through a turbulent few days and now have settled down a bit. We never argue, except about SD and BM's bullshit so we've just been so "off" lately. We were able to reconnect last night and plan on going to a hockey game tonight, packing tomorrow and maybe going for a drive since it's going to be a beautiful weekend.
You sound like you may just want to stay away this weekend - maybe go out with the girls for drinks or something????
Thanks for the smile. Happy Friday to you!
I'm so happy for you!!! If
I'm so happy for you!!!
If SD14 decides to go back to BM's permanently, I will be doing the happy dance again. For now, I have to put up with her and giving up every other weekend again. I HATE the thought.
Your situation sounds different than mine, in the fact that DH doesn't treat her like a princess anymore, but yeah - things just feel totally "off", stressful and tense when she's around.
don't feel guilty. she's not
don't feel guilty. she's not your kid, you don't have to want her around all the time. i have never enjoyed having sd around, even if it was a rare time that she wasn't being an ass.
I think I feel guilty mostly
I think I feel guilty mostly because I KNOW DH wants her around but I don't. And I should want him to have a good relationship with his kid but she's been SUCH an entitled, selfish, lazy, attention whore and treated us both like shit.
I just wish that he'd go visit her (she only lives 6 miles away) instead of her having to spend the night ever at our place.
Thanks Hypovic - I just got
Thanks Hypovic - I just got so damn used to (spoiled, perhaps?) her being gone and DH and I enjoying each other as newlyweds (we were just married in June and that's when SD disappeared to BM's).
I don't want to give that up you know? At home, I can be myself when she's not there. There's no tension, drama, whining, mess, cries for attention. It's just DH and I enjoying each other's company, talking and doing as a married couple should.
She causes major upset just by simply being there.
At age 21??? Holy Hell.
At age 21??? Holy Hell.
See, everyone keeps telling me - "oh just wait 4 more years and once SD turns 18, you're in the clear". I don't think so. I think because she's so dependent on her parents for EVERYTHING that she'll likely not be able to forge a life for herself after high school. I believe she'd rather live with her mom (and her mom will allow it), maybe one day she'll want to live with us. Will DH turn her away? God, I would hope he'd know the repercussions of allowing her to live with us as an adult...but she'll always be his precious little baby girl and I have to accept that fact.
Yeah....DH keeps saying wait
Yeah....DH keeps saying wait til the kid graduates from HS. It will all get better. HA!
Sure DH...keep telling yourself that. She turns 18 in a year and then CS will go straight to her instead of Uberskank. I don't think he understands that Uberskank's Harpy like screeching and blame will be all for him. Why are you paying her instead of me??????
I've already let him know I have no interest in living with his kid again. I've made it very clear, if his kid moves into our home, I would be moving out.
I refuse to go back to the hell they created the last time around.
At the rate my SD14 is going,
At the rate my SD14 is going, she'll probably not even graduate! She's already been held back a grade and is only in 8th this year instead of high school. And in the state of Colorado, child support continues to age 19! That's ridiculous!
I'm in this for the long haul because frankly, DH and I have the most perfect marriage when SD's not around. And I already told him if she ever moved in with us, he'd better understand the repercussions of that and be prepared to have a daughter living with him and not a wife. I refuse to have to go through that when she's an adult!
Yeah I get that, totally.
Yeah I get that, totally. And I told SD14 on Sunday night when we had our big "discussion" that I would NOT tolerate her bullshit, I can see right through her lies and she will treat me with respect, first and foremost.
Still doesn't help me feel better because like I said before, just her mere presence stresses me out and makes me uncomfortable in my own home. Tack on the fact that now our home is going to be even SMALLER and the stress level triples.
DH said to me "You won't be 100% happy unless SD never comes over again" I said, sorry, but you're right. I won't. I had it for 4 mos and I was ecstatic. And I did point out to him that yeah, he was more relaxed and comfortable without her around too. He agreed.
So we'll just have to see how things go from here I guess. He did give me a 2 week reprieve from her so we can get things packed, moved and settled before having to deal with her again. I just hope I can handle the limited time I do have to put up with her at my house.