My Story - The Beginning - Continued
He also had really unrealistic expectations and ideals about how things would be once we were married and once our own child was born. For example, he told me that when our baby was born I would understand what it would be like to have strong, loving feelings towards not only my own child but his two as well. He also said that when his two children went to go visit their bio mom, ours would go as well. (What I'm wondering is: why the hell did he say that when he knew they would never go visit her anyway?!) Those are just a couple examples, the list goes on and on. I don't know why I didn't turn and run right then. I guess because I loved and trusted him and hoped that things would turn out well, even if it wasn't exactly his ideals. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He is not the issue here. It is mostly the step kids and the ex wife being in our lives constantly. That is more frustrating and upsetting that I had ever imagined. I am counting down until he doesn't have to provide her with spousal support and until the kids are out of the house. Guilt? Oh yeah, I feel it. I feel it when I wake up in the morning, along with the frustration and anger. He pays her spousal support and she doesn't pay child support or want them to come visit her. She calls when it's convienient for her and acts like she wants them to visit and then changes her mind a couple weeks later. Had I known it was going to be like this I wouldn't have married him. So things were actually okay for a little bit, we were married a few months before our baby was born and I actually got along with his kids. Then the baby was born. I was so overjoyed. He was able to take a couple weeks off of work but he didn't do a damn thing that involved me or the baby. He took the time off as a time to sleep, drink beer, watch TV, and take care of his two kids. I was alone. I bounced back from the labor pretty quickly but it still took a toll on me since I didn't know what to expect and I was new at this whole mom thing. I didn't get any help. I had to practically beg him to spend time with the baby and he finally got it when the baby was about 5 months old. It took that long. Ridiculous. Maybe he didn't want to not pay attention to his other two but give me a break, I was a new mom and I might has well have been a single mom. This was his own child and he didn't want to spend time with the baby. You should know that he went on two business trips (legit, I have no reason to believe that he is cheating or anything like that) one trip was for one week and the other was for two weeks. It was hell having to take care of my baby, barely 2 months the first time and then 4 months old, and his two kids who don't listen to me and just do whatever the hell they want to do since they had been allowed to do that pretty much their whole lives so far. I introduced chore charts, for lack of a better word, they are now hygiene charts, long story, to try to put some direction and order in their lives. Nothing they couldn't handle - things they should already have been doing: shower, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed, put dishes away after meals, etc. etc. We're talking basic. No support in this effort by my husband and not welcomed by the step kids. So do I just let them run around crazy and dirty? Absolutely not. This is unnacceptable. Wish I could continue now, more later!!!
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Regina
I can feel your frustration all the way from here. I understand how
difficult it can be to be an instant mom but I can't help but notice that your DH is not helping this process along at all. I know that you say that you love your DH and he is not the issue but I think he really is. He should be supporting you, your new baby AND his kids and it seems that he is not living up to his part. How old are your SD's? Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to bash your DH but it seems that he may need a kick in the pants. I think you need to let him know how you feel about his non support of you, if he is willing to step up to the plate then you have a better chance of not loosing your mind with the skids. Good luck honey, I'm sorry you are having this trouble.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Oh man....
You're story is so familiar it's freaking me out. Again, minus the fact that my first bio kid will be here in November. My DH has totally given up "daddy" duties because I came in and helped, like I thought I was supposed to. I run HIS three kids EVERYWHERE, I take care of all their schedules, keep on them with all their chores, make sure they dont' stink or have dirty clothes, I do all the household chores AND have to deal with their psychological and emotional disorders from their BMs. I'm really nervous about what this baby will bring. He acts excited now, but I get the same speech about how I'll finally learn how to love his kids. Two of them already call me mom (which HE pushed on them) and two of the three kids dont' even see their mom, I dont' know what more he really wants. It's so frustrating and he cant' explain it. NO ONE can explain it unless you've been a step parent. I have a friend who is and has her own kids and she totally agrees that you'll never have the same love for your step kids, even though you'll still love them. Which I agree with, I'm not bonded to these kids like a mother is, but I do the mother duties.
I think you and I will be great friends, sounds like we are in similiar situations. I'll shut up now. I'll probably post my story soon, but it's so long....
Crap, I just realized I totally vented on your blog...so sorry
Dawn
The cold hard truth is,
And perhaps hubby needs to hear these words from your lips- "Ideals and reality-2 totally different things." Oh sure it would be great if we all felt the same love for our SC as we do our BC, but the REALITY is, SC did not pass through our birth canal. Plain and simple. For him to not be involved with your baby is damn near unforgivable, as we women take this whole marraige/partnership thing pretty damn seriously. It might even be easier to be a single mom and not have to put up with all that crap. Yes, I was guilty of taking on a supermom role when it came to my SS and BS's, and hubby got away with minimal parenting, untill I said to hell with this, I did not create all these children magically on my own.
Girl it's time to get Dr.Phil on his ass. Let him read this:
The Role of the Man in the Family
According to Dr. Phil, if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren't aware of.
A Provider
Most men believe that being a good provider means supporting a family financially. It means much more than that. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family. In order to do this, he must recognize that there are other currencies, in addition to money, that need to be provided.
A Protector
This means more than beating up the guy next door if he insults your wife. It means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth as well as your children's. It can also mean protecting your way of life and guarding against any threats to the things that you and your family value.
A Leader
Instead of waiting for your wife to take the initiative when you are having problems, take the lead. Get in the game and create what you want in your family instead of whining about your family situation. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It's a 100/100 partnership. That means you give 100 percent. And remember, you get what you give.
A Teacher
What are you teaching those around you — especially your children — with your behavior? It's important to provide a good example for your children, loved ones and community with both words and deeds. Set high standards and teach by doing.
Hope this helps!!! :)P.S. As for your stepkids, hang in there. Be proud of yourself for raising them they way their own mother refuses to do. One day they will realize that YOU were the one that was there for them!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
OMG!
I couldn't even finish reading your entire post, because I WENT BLIND when I read that your husband thinks your child will be going on visits to his ex! HOLY SHIT! I don't know whether to laugh or be offended. Is he really that full of shit that he'd think you're going to send your baby off to his ex?! Oh, my God! Man, I can't even process that one. I mean, who does that? Really?! I don't even want my husband's ex in the same HEMISPHERE with my kids. That's got to be THE craziest thing I've ever heard.
Okay, I took a deep breath and read the rest... Yes, your problem most definitely IS your husband, NOT the skids. They are his responsibility, NOT yours. It's up to him, with your help if you want to give it, to raise them up and teach them the proper way to get through life. They must respect you as an equal, as a co-parent and as an authority figure. They will never do that if HE doesn't do that. It sounds to me like you are trying to do all the right things. You just need to get him on board, supporting you and reinforcing the work you're trying to do. Good job! You're doing great! But don't burn yourself out, because ultimately the success or failure of those children depends on his success or failure as a parent, not yours.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I'm with Anne, OMG
What would possess him to think that you would let your child go anywhere with his ex.
Sometimes I think men are just stupid. As the new mother of a 5 week baby you have my sympathies. Trust me my maternity leave has been a nightmare & I have had my step sons here the entire 5 weeks & am about ready to loose my mind. ( I have wanted to post of the nightmare but can't even begin to do so. )My DH said something similarily stupid... We live in Minneapolis & DH had thought of taking step sons to a ball game the night the bridge collasped & would have been on the bridge in a convertable with both boys... very scary. Since his parents love ex wife & have nothing to do with us or my beautiful baby boy ( very sad ) I made the comment that had that happened she would be regarded as the grieving widow not me. He agreed & made the comment that if that had happened he would want me to allow her to see our son as she had shared her boys with me...WTF, the bi**h will have gotten 2 months free daycare from me & as yet to ever thank me. I just gave him a look.
I think that when these men have babies with us second wives they hold back on us & feel they need to overcompensate with the step kids so they don't feel like good old daddy loves the new babies more. No one thinks about us second wives & our feelings, hell I am 39 & had an fing c section & have had my steps here non stop. No one ever thought to ask me if I was up to them being here all the time.
Again I feel your pain