Boyfriends unruly 15 yo daughter
She has been spoiled rotten her whole life and the biggest attention seeker. Her room is a mess, she never cleans anything, Shes loud, obnoxious, always says bad things to about everyone behind their back and wont listen to anybody. Her mother influences her to dislike everyone, telling her everyone is stupid, including her teachers at school. She is failing in school because her mother doesnt care about it and makes everything the dads problem and the reason for her behavior. To shed light on the subject, My boyfriend is the most caring person and takes Part in his daughters life. He isnt a deadbeat parent. He spends time with her outdoors when she visits when there is some time in the day, checks her school work while shes here, and pays his child support which is more than what the ex deserves because she wont get a job, and the mother still neglects her own daughters needs. His daughter has been in counseling and is diagnosed with mental issues. She has been erratic ever since she was born but my boyfriend and his ex havent really took any action until the problem got worse during their divorce. Its been a few years since Ive been with my boyfriend and we live together. I have adult children of My own who live with us and they are well behaved and get good grades in school. They get a long with my boyfriend and like him a lot. Problem is his daughter wants nothing to do with me is extremely jealous of me and my kids, even though her and I have a lot of common interest. She refuses to talk or even be near me. I believe it has a lot to do with her mothers influence on her. In our home we have cleanliness and stability, and her mother (who is remarried btw) lives in a chaotic environment. The mothers new husband is a heavy alcoholic and has his different kids in and out their home by cps/court orders. Im in schock my boyfriends daughter still favors living in her mothers home over ours, despite the chaos. Ive tried to have a relationship with her but she will pretend to be civil to your face then goes to her mother and be decietful and say bad things. She keeps randome notes and diaries Laying around with evil satanic words, and drawing and how she wants to kill herself. Theres more but To make this long story short, what can I do to stay sane, support my boyfriend as we create a beautiful future for ourselves, keep balance and Focus on my own kids well being, and without his daughter telling him what to Do, overruling my values, my authority, and home dynamics?
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"She refuses to talk or even
"She refuses to talk or even be near me." What does your BF say to your SD about how she's shunning you? I went through that for over 7 years with my SD while the bitch lived with us full time. She kept up the shunning for over 7 years. I took issue with my DH because he did nothing about it. I felt sold out and betrayed. I felt worthless and like my own husband saw me as so lowly and awful that I warranted being shunned in my own home. My SD is 31 and does not live with us anymore but my DH is very well aware that I will not ever tolerate crap like that again and he better have my back because a man who doesn't have my back is a deal-breaker. So, that's my first response to what your SD is doing. Require that your BF have your back.
"She keeps randome notes and diaries Laying around with evil satanic words, and drawing and how she wants to kill herself." If my DD20 did that I'd have her in therapy so fast her head would spin. What is your BF doing about his DD's outrageous behaviour? If either of my SKs or our DD did that, I'd insist on therapy. I can't be with a man who fails his kid who is presenting problems such as your SD and expecting me to live with such baggage. I would be devastated if my DD acted like that and I wouldn't rest until I found her a therapist. If my SKs did that, I would be all over DH until he got them help and if he didn't and remained a lame dad, I would move out and tell him that I will not move back in unless and until his child has launched and is permanently living elsewhere. Your SD has been given way too much power because her parents are afraid to parent. It isn't fair at all that you have to live with such a creature. You have a BF problem. Start coming down on him and if he doesn't do something to get his DD under control and find ways to make life better for you, then move out until he figures it out. No nookie either. Do not reward him with booty calls for causing you to have to move out.
He has my back and supports
He has my back and supports me 100% and has told her numerous time to engage with me, like drawing or baking, etc. Weve taken her phone away and video games when she acts out, but she tells us she doesnt care. Ive told him to spend time with her, so she doesnt feel neglected also. I just stopped trying to talk to her since she kept telling her mom how I forced her to go with me to get her nails done or horseback riding and im such a horrible person for having her do that with me. Unfortunately she will listen for the moment or just keeps quiet just to shut him up, but most of the time she will run her mouth loud 100 mph and try and fight back. Then shes back to disrespecting again. We got her in therapy and she does it once every 2 weeks and she is scheduled to see a psychiatrist. She tells her mother she "hates" the counselor because they always side with us. Her mother is not involved and refuses to take part. She says her daughter doesnt need help and doesnt want her "labeled."
It's sounds like what I deal
It's sounds like what I deal with. It sounds like she has her devotion and loyalty to her mother and for whatever reason feels it would be a betrayal to have a relationship with you.
I would just give her, her space. I will give the same advice I was given. When you have plans, hey SD we are doing "X" if you want to come great. If not that ok too. It's helped with YSD making it her choice she usually says yes.
OSD is a whole different set of issues.
Yea and thats ok. Ive told
Yea and thats ok. Ive told her im Not here to replace your mom. I think she feels her mother failed and she feels sorry for her so she is the one trying to be the adult. I tried to put myself her shoes at the same time Not feel sorry for her.
What does your children say
What does your children say about this? What does your bf say about SD behavior?
I can imagine that your relationship between you, your children and your DH is good until SD appears. DH needs to take control of SD situation, I know is his daughter but you can't allow your child being disrespectful with everyone, if she has mental issues well that is not an excuse to allow this situation. For me this child need help and strict parents.
My oldest son had already
My oldest son had already moved out to college. But my youngest boy is nice and civil to her but he has low tolerance for her since hes occupied with his school and school activites. My boyfriend knows his daughter has severe issues and tries his best to do what he can for the 2 Weeks shes here.
After reading your post and comments so far...
You must disengage. Do nothing for her. Do not attempt to engage her at all. She makes a mess, or causes problems, ignore ignore ignore.
She likely has some issues. SD21 Feral Forger was EXACTLY like that at 15.5, when I first came into her life. She would write "things" in journals about killing herself. She would threaten to kill herself. 6 plus years later she is still here. Even her sister SD14 cannot really stand to be around her much. She steals she lies, shes mean, shes dirty. No drivers license and no job, because her parents have enabled her.
SD21 Feral Forger lives with her mother. Shes your future if you dont do something to stop it now. Start thinking of a launch plan for her because at this rate she will be the same as mine.
So, she is 15. When did her
So, she is 15. When did her parents divorce? How long have you been dating him?
I mean.. on the one hand you say he is wonderful as a parent.. but he bears equal blame for not getting her help doesn't he? Did she get like this all at once? no...
I would say disengage to the extent you can is all you really can do. Let him deal with and raise his daughter.. you will have to accept coexisting in the same home with her.. and make your BF insist on a minimal behavior standard... or you could wait until she is 18 to date him maybe?
Weve been together for 3 yrs.
Weve been together for 3 yrs. he lived separate from his ex before I met him. his divorce With his ex finalized a year after we met. The problem with his daughter existed long before we knew each other. He Said he thought her behavior was that of a normal young child (whiny, crying, loud, hyper). He does take part of the blame for not being in her life as much as he should have during her tender years but he couldnt because he was in the military. So thats why only now he realizes his daughter who Is Now a teen and the behavior isnt normal and finally Dad is getting her help.
That was me
My exSD treated me the same. My marriage did not work out. What works with you is your DH is supportive. So you may get through this.
I know its annoying, and she is a kill joy to your marriage, but if you disengage you may have some sanity. Do what I did, I did nothing for her, I gave what I got. She ignored me, I did the same. Finally she stopped coming completely, though the snotty SD still ruined my marriage from afar.
Dang these girls are gawd awful.
Im sorry yes the SDs are
Im sorry yes the SDs are awful!!! I honestly dont think she has much of a future for herself.