More confirmation your children don’t care
SD told SO that he doesn't have to walk her on the field for senior night. BM and BMs fiancé are doing it. This might be more for bio parents but anyone can chime in. How would you react if you were the parent?
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Oh my. That must have been a
Oh my. That must have been a real gut punch for him. I'm so sorry but ... what did he expect?
How is he taking it?
He is sad. He is trying to
He is sad. He is trying to talk her into letting him do it.
When is
Senior Night? For my kids it was in May, not far off from graduation. And did he ask about it or was it a planned heart stab for him?
It is in September. I had a
It is in September. I had a feeling a few weeks ago this was going to happen . He had forced me to go out to eat with him and the kids for his birthday. He brought up about not knowing that they had something the night before for sports introductions (I think I posted about that already) and he told them they need to let him know when things are going on, that he wants to be at their events. He brought up senior night and SD was caught off guard and said it was no big deal. I said your dad will have to know the time to be there to walk with you. She stuttered etc and I had a feeling. Last night she must have text him at some point with the news . I heard him call her and it was pathetic. He was telling me about . He tried to get my opinion and all I said was I am sorry this is happening but I can't help you with this. He then sent a long text and I am not sure if it was to her or maybe to BM . He is sad and quiet now. Even if SD lets him walk her , it is still not okay. There should have never been a time when she said he couldn't .
How would I react? .... not
How would I react? .... not good
I don't think it's right to exclude bio parents in favor of a step fiancé
I would either be walking with all my parental units or I'd make sure each parent/step-parent had an opportunity to attend/participate in milestone events
The cold part is she didn't offer a backup option like "hey come to this event instead" she's simply implying "don't come at all bc fiancé bob or whoever is going to be there"
I think I'd tell her exactly
I think I'd tell her exactly how shitty that is and exactly how it made me feel. It would temper my willingness to shell out tons of mooney in her direction beyond childsupport ordered.
I don't know what he should
I don't know what he should be doing but my gut tells me I would be doing what you are saying. I would have let her know that this is unkind and then I would stop doing anything but what I have to do. But I am not the parent and I am especially not the type of parent he is.
I would definitely say
I would definitely say something..
But let me guess he doesn't care or says whatever it's fine..
He is apologizing for not
He is apologizing for not being a good dad and basically pleading to walk with her. To me he sounds pathetic. But I really don't know what he should be doing. I want left out of it.
Probably a good idea to just
Probably a good idea to just let them figure it out but I can see how its very annoying. It's not all that surprising based on how he allows himself to be taken advantage of by the kids.. walked all over yet never shown any respect by them. They've never shown him appreciation or thanks for what he does for them and he just gives and gives with nothing back but disrespect. He's a doormat to them. But then again he's never stepped in to try to change the dynamic of how things are. He just tolerates that disrespect and keeps shelling over money and time with nothing in return.
*vomit inducing* Sorry.
*vomit inducing* Sorry.
Yikes
To the pleading...pathetic indeed. I mean, ask once, and then put your big girl panties on and then move forward and be a good father. Not the doormat that it sounds like he has been - a good father. I don't know that there's anything else to be done.
Nauseating.
If I were daddy I would be on
If I were daddy I would be on my DD's Rt side. BM can be wherever she wants. BM's fiancé can F-off.
Daddy should tell her exactly that and follow through.
Even though she doesn't want
Even though she doesn't want him there?
Yep.
Yep.
I'd honestly be devastated.
I'd honestly be devastated. But I also wouldn't beg and plead for her to change her mind. Who wants to be where they clearly aren't wanted? One day she'll hopefully realize how vile this is and attempt to make amends, but forcing the situation isn't going to help anything.
This year for the first time, DD10 told me she didn't want me to walk her into school on the first day. So I dropped her off in the car line and wept a little bit the whole way home. That was just normal growing up stuff, and it still hurt my heart a little bit. I can't even imagine how hurt I would have been if she'd told me she didn't want me to do it, but then had XH and someone else go with her instead.
And I guess in my selfishness
And I guess in my selfishness, what I want for me, is for him to now understand why I don't want to do anything for or with his kids right now. I think she has crossed a line. I am not sure what I missed in the first 8 or so years of the divorce that may have caused this kind of disrespect towards him. Because all I have seen in the four years I have been with him is that he does anything and everything that is asked of him for those kids.
And I guess in my selfishness
good luck with that
him understanding is out the window
it's more beneficial to his ego to be in denial and delusion and willfully obtuse
He can't see how you're offended by his kids behavior because he's not offended at all by it.
I always told my DH, when
I always told my DH, when things like this happened to him, that he be honest with the SDs about his feelings. Tell them how it makes you feel. Don't beg or get mad. Their decisions effect their overall relationship and they need to learn that, empathy, and empathy. Ramifications. It may be too late for the empathy learning, bug not hearing his feelings or experiencing ramifications.
At SD's wedding, DH did not
At SD's wedding, DH did not know until maybe 10 minutes before the ceremony that both he and BM were walking SD down the aisle--one on each arm. They couldn't even give him that ONE effing moment that he had been looking forward to. DH wanted to leave. I begged him to stay and just do it. He would be blamed for "ruining" SD's wedding. Just grin and bear it and then let's get the hell out. When DH later confronted SD about it, she did her usual bawling, waaa waaaa, and acting like she didn't KNOW it was rude or hurtful to him.
You all, on the other hand, have received a clear message before the event. Therefore, if I were your DH, I wouldn't go to the event at this point. I also would be damned if I'd beg the little darling to ALLOW me to walk her onto the field. This is so rude and so awful, and you are right: ANOTHER example of the kid just not caring. :( Just don't go.
It is the playing stupid wah
It is the playing stupid wah wah stuff these sh*t SK's do that really gets under my skin. I wish DH would just say, "Are you really that ******* dense?" Come on. Stop with the games and manipulations.
The only thing you can do is
1, he should tell his DD how hurtful this is. BM'S BF means nothing to her. He us the BF
2. CUT OFF all money ASAP. as not paying for graduation party. BF had the honor to walk her down, he has the honor to pay for the party. No college money unless CO. No exter CS Money. No shopping trips funded by DH
THIS!
Exactly this!
You beat me to it Harry!
He will never do this. He
He will never do this. He will end up trying to do more.
More's the pity...
More's the pity...
Oldest SD was on Homecoming
Oldest SD was on Homecoming court and had BM and her long term BF escort her that night. Announced as if they were her only parents. DH went to the game and watched. Nothing like a cold dose of reality to knock him down. This was also the SD that attacked him at 16 for him taking away her phone ( she was texting with BM and being snotty) she broke his shoulder. She also told him that if he stuck with me he would not walk her down the aisle at her wedding. All words and actions brought on by BM theu OSD. Reliving her own relationship with her father. Generational trauma reinforced. (Eyeroll).
The only advice I have for you is to stand by and keep quiet. Validate his pain. For him I would tell him that he has to stop chasing her and cut her off from any benefits that come with having a respectful healthy relationship with a parent. No presents, no financial help beyond the CO, just card at holidays and birthdays. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it as they say. Therapy might help DH too. It was beneficial for my DH.
BM has won. For now. The true lessons for SD won't appear for years but they will come. Go live your best life minus her drama. Being brought up to hate your father doesn't bode well for healthy relationships in the future. SD only knows how to hate and hurt. Just what this world needs, more of that.
At my kid's band senior night
At my kid's band senior night, there were kids who had multiple people walking them. One kid had her mom, grandma, and uncle. I bet it would have been allowed for BM and fiance and your DH and you all to do it.
I don't blame you for not wanting to bend over backwards for the skids and, even worse, watch your DH cater to them and shiver and cower before BM. It's unmanly and unattractive. He doesn't respect himself so they don't respect him.
I think he should tell them how he feels, tell them exactly what he pays and how much time he sacrifices. Then do nothing except pay his court ordered CS until they age out or change their behavior.
Yep, the facts matter. Kids
Yep, the facts matter. Kids need them in an age appropriate manner in order to protect themselves from their toxic parent, and the toxic opposition parent should have to live with the facts shoved up their ass knowing that their kids know the facts.
Grrrrr!
SS was raised with the facts due to the lies, manipulations, and PASing by the SpermGrandHag. Spermidiot had just about nothing to do with his eldes of 4 all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas. When SS would come home upset that his mom and I were stealing money from the SpermClan (CS), taking food out of the mouths of his 3 younger half sibs, using that money to buy nice homes, cars, vacations, nice clothes for SS, and the best schools for SS we countered with the facts. He learned in short order that $133/mo was not starving his sibs, that it was a CO that required the CS and not his mom stealing money from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
As he got older he started doing his own research in our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinets when they would lie, manipulate, and say nasty bullshit about his mom. He would ask why they would lie to him. We supported him, backed him up, and as he grew confidence he started calling them on their lies in real time while he was in SpermLand on visitation.
These assholes don't stop their maniplative crap when a Skid reaches 18. They continue their crap even when the SKids become adults. Kids need to be able to defend themselves as adults often just as much as they did as minors.
In my SS's case, when he aged out from under the CO, the SpermClan started pushing him to "repay the CS" they had paid for the 16+ years under the CO. He told them to pound sand. Then they pressured him to have direct payroll withholding deposited from his USAF checks to SpermGrandHag to help raise his three younger half sibs. Nope.
We never bad mouthed them but we made sure that SS knew the facts, knew when they were lying, and as he grew into a man of character, honor, and standing in his profession, life, and community he knew when they were full of shit and he learned to keep them in their place.
When kids have the facts, know the truth, and are raised to confident viable adulthood, they know where to keep the toxic side of their lives.
I think she could have all
I think she could have all three. I hope if SO ends up doing it the her Step dad does it to. SOs family will be furious. But they are all so dysfunctional. And yes it is very unattractive. I keep telling myself every time the kids are disrespectful he will end up admitting that they don't want to be in his life and things will change. But that is just insanity on my. He caters more and more. It is super unattractive. I am getting ready to schedule touring apartments next week.
He is in denial phase now. He
He is in denial phase now. He said that he thinks SD thought he didn't want to walk with her. There is no way she thought this with how far up her as she is. She doesn't want him there and he won't accept it. He will never change.
Omg. I feel bad for your DH,
Omg. I feel bad for your DH, but I also have secondhand embarassment for him. That is definitely NOT what SD thought and he is grasping at straws.
It is actually making me ill
It is actually making me ill thinking of how he is acting towards her. He also text her and said he has been thinking about senior night all summer and how he is sorry he wasn't a better dad and in and on. I am gagging and I am pissed. I get all the anger because he won't take it out on those kids and his ex. Sorry for ranting but , I just can't even believe it.
Good lord that man is in some
Good lord that man is in some serious denial.. Thinking he had done THEM wrong... Groveling...wow
And it has me questioning if
And it has me questioning if he has done something wrong that I don't know about. I know that he has always traveled about 5 days a month for work , didn't have money (paying child support and all sports and tons of other stuff for the kids ) because he was alone for - around 8 years , so he didn't have money to take them on fancy vacations or things like that. BM moved in with the person she cheated on SO immediately so basically had two incomes plus child support.But he has been there for everything they have done. Maybe BM has poisoned them, maybe at one point he treated them like he treats me when he doesn't point his frustrations toward the appropriate person. But I have never seen him punish the kids, give them chores , never told them no. So I just don't understand why he is like this with them. I am beyond frustrated with this.
"And it has me questioning if
"And it has me questioning if he has done something wrong that I don't know about."
What could he have possibly done? If he had physically abused or molested them, he wouldn't have been allowed joint custody. If he cheated on BM, so what, she cheated too and left him for the guy. It doesn't warrant this. He's got low self esteem and he is weaker than BM, that's what i believe.
This man is
so damaged he appears to be beyond repair.
He's living his life as a
He's living his life as a mosochist and his ex and kids are the dominatrixes (dominatrices?). No woman wants to follow a man into that lifestyle, because if you are married to the one who has a compulsion to be tortured, you will end up being tortured because their "weapons" are money, time, and self-respect.
He's living his life as a
Girl Half these Disneyland dads out here are financial pay pigs for their demanding domaneering failed former families.
Now that I think of it this is classic financial domination
Hell .... we stepparents Might as well start financially dominating them and treat them like walking ATMs since they're already used to it.....just know I'm taking triple or more than what they got
Actually when he spends on
Actually when he spends on something for them that I deem as unnecessary, I buy myself something on his credit card.
That kid is almost a adult
I don't think your DH is going to change anything. If SD actually does not let her BF walk her in. That is not a fane she is planning. DH must cut he off. The ATM is closed. If he paying for her cell bill, stop... no money except CO. CS . NO extra money for anything. Graduation, prom. Senior trip. And on and on. Let the BF pay for her college. '
I DH doesn't t make his stand then he will walked over for the rest of time
The ATM is closed.
Well we know that BM has been
Well we know that BM has been filling out the financial paperwork and SO has already told her he has nothing saved.SO won't co-sign a loan because he knows that if he does the kids won't pay it and he will be stuck .He does know their game but wants to be in denial as long as he can see them for 2 minutes a week.
Damn. Is that true, that he
Damn. Is that true, that he has nothing saved? Does he have any retirement savings, or has he just pissed away his earnings catering to the skids and BM's whims? That's a real concern for your future.
I imagine that he's already
I imagine that he's already spent thousands upon thousands for all of these elite competitive baseball teams and tournaments..
He has saved for retirement.
He has saved for retirement. I know it is unbelievable but he actually believes children should pay back their own college loans.He will be helping with some funds but not paying a loan. And that money that has went to all that baseball could have went to saving for college. But he would never tell SS no that he can't afford it. This year alone with paying for the team, equipment, traveling etc probably ran more then $8000. And the deposit has already been put down for next year.
He definitely has retirement
He definitely has retirement money. He also does things with stocks.
"doesn't have to" is very
"doesn't have to" is very different than "I don't want you to."
Either way, I would be there and I would be very notably at my kid's side on MY kid's Sr. night.
SD told him she didn't want
SD told him she didn't want him too. SO is the one who said maybe SD thought he didn't want to do it. I get SO wants to be there even though she doesn't want him. But would you have let her have it and told her that she was disrespectful or would you have sounded pathetic and begged and pleaded? I just feel I get the back lash because what he should have taken out on her is now what he is dishing out to me. His emotions of anger and sadness are always at me and not at his dysfunctional family where it belongs.
I would have been very direct
I would have been very direct and informed her she had no say and that I was going to be there. Period. Dot. I would have gotten a lawyer envolved if the school attempted to prevent me from walking her.
That kid would have been humilated beyond belief for the entire school to know about if she had tried that crap with me.
Game on kid.
Enjoy the pain.
For sure I would not take it out on you. I would discuss it with you, probably vent, get your input, engage you in mapping out the campaign to confront it all. But, I would not take it out on you.
Though not this particular situatin, DW and had to work through our version of toxic opposition confrontation and addressing Skid evolving teen issues. It sucked. It always sucks when a teen is "that kid" even if only for a fairly abbreviated period. However, parents need to stay the course and not go limpy spine with their kids when the kids are testing their authority. Authority they do not have and should not be allowed to think that they have.
IMHO of course.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. It has to be hard to see your mate failing and hurting to this extent.
Take care of you.
I don't know what happened
I don't know what happened with them.. Clearly something is broken in their relationship and it started long before you came on the scene. Your husband somehow seems to bear some serious guilt and has continued to try to make up for things.. but at this point.. it seems pretty clear that either whatever happened was so terrible.. or the PAS of the kids has been so successful that he likely will never have a great relationship with his kids.. and that has to be difficult for him to accept.
Honestly, with her refusal to engage with her dad over the past.. I am not sure this is all that surprising.. she hasn't visited him for quite some time and that has been allowed.. so the breakup of that relationship has been going on for a long time and it wasn't fixed when there might have been some chance.
I don't know if or why there wasn't more attempt at family therapy with his kids.. but I'm guessing his EX could make that difficult.
It's still possible that BM made the girl make that choice though..
Ultimately, if that is her choice.. he should tell her that at minimum he deserves an explanation for why she doesn't want him there on the field with him.