This is a special thing that only happens in the SP world. Bio parents understand what it’s like, but sometimes they come back or start their own families. You can still be a part of their traditions and celebrate their lives.

This is normal: children getting older and wanting to do their own thing with friends and partners.

It is not "losing them."

My 2 older kids DS34 and DD31 grew up, went away to college, moved out and started their own lives with friends and partners. My daughter is getting married on Saturday.

This is what kids are supposed to do: grow up, forge new relationships and start their own lives.

For 5 years, my DD31 lived in Texas and it was RARE to see her on any holidays.

Did I wish I could see her? Yes. But, I celebrated that she had created her own life with friends.

This year, she will be celebrating Christmas with her new husband and his family. This is natural. This is the point of raising children - you raise them to fly the nest.

I disagree that this only happens in steplife.  What is typical in steplife is that traditions sometimes have to be flexible to accomodate custody schedules.. but things get more complicated when people marry anyway since there are two families minimum that may have interest in carving out time.

What he is seeing in this case is not unique to steplife.  Kids get older.. they want to do things as individuals.. not as part of their family unit, especially as teens.. and especially when they are dating.  I'm quite certain that a party her BF's family is hosting is something she feels is socially important for her to participate in.  She has been declining custody visits as it is.. so she is cutting the apron strings.. and this isn't really new.

It may be sentimental.. but what she wants to do is probably complletely normal and understandable... even if some of her other behaviors are a bit extreme (refusing visitation)

She's doing what any young lady would be doing.  Your DH seems to be thinking of her as a child rather than as a young adult.  It's a sign we've done our job when the kids branch out.

Maybe try to get him to see that it would be worse if he had a daughter with no friends or outside interests who was still clinging on. 

Kids cannot be the entire lives of their parents. Parents who demand that are failing as parents.

That said, parents do not lose their kids when the kids are stepping forth to live their own lives. Parents are the foundation of that journey.  Yes, the dynamics change.  Though when the parent raises a quality kid, they can grow increasing close even as the kid launches into adulthood.  Will the kid be with the parent every holiday or maintain every tradtion they were raised with? No.  Will the kid return to spend periodic holidays with the parent or the parent engage in the kidults life and their evolving new traditions?  They should.

The standard holiday depression has never made sense to be. It is always a joyous time.  Sure, I miss those who have passed.  My little brother, good friends, GPs, etc...  Though my memories of them are resoundingly on the good side of the scale. IMHO life is about the now with a future focus.  Memories are certainly part of that, but forward is where positive memories surface far more frequently than sad ones, or worse, bad ones surface.

I know that the holidays can be difficult for many. I wish that were not the case. 

Embrace the joy! Everyday.

I may be that my family transitioned from being full time focuse to holiday focused when I left for school at 15.   Even when half a planet away from each other we all made the effort to remain close as a family.  Dad reads TNBC to everyone every Christmas eve no matter where in the world everyone is.  Only how CE did he miss it and as the eldest I was his stand in that year.  The book that he and mom bought for my first Christmas is the book that he reads from. Complete with crayon scribbles added by my PITA BFF little bro when he was a toddler.  DW found the same edition of the book recently and it is on our mantle this year.  Though without my brothers toddler crayon scribbles.  When she handed it to me recently I teared up.  Not due to sorrow but due to the special memories it brings.

Even at 60 I have never had an entire day in my life that was all bad, or all sad.  There has always been something to smile or laugh about even if through tears. I fully expect that streak to continue.

There kids attention.  Yes , the SK get away with more.  They also had there life effective by there parents divorce.||. There '' Happy Family'' is now EWE visitation.  1/2 a holiday at Amon's the other 1/2 at Dads.  Odd years mom first.  What a way to enjoy a childhood.  I feel parents should suck it up until the kid reaches 18   And give them a real childhood.  

We are proof that things in blended marriages and extended blended families do not have to be so complex during the holidays. The CO clearly established the visitation schedule which was long distance due to DW attending University out of State with her baby on her hip.  The first CO decree when SS was less tha 1yo established paternity and set CS at $110/mo. It also documented that DW had full physical and legal custody from birth.  No visitation schedule was set.

A year later when we finally got to court to defend SpermGrandHag's attempt to take custody of SS by forging her idiot son's signature on the law suit papers full physical and legal was upheld for DW, CS was raised by $23/mo to $133, and a visitation schedule was ordered. 7wks a year (5wks summer, 1wk+/- winter, 1wk spring).  Because the SpermClan belongs to a fringe Christian cult that among other things does not believe in or celebrate Christmas so winter visitation alternated even and odd years. Even it was the day school was out until Dec 24 and odd years it was Dec 26 to the day before school started.  All holidays other than July 4th were DWs.  She also had 10 days of visitation with SS in SpermLand starting the first 2wks of their 5wks summer visitation.  She had to notify the SpermClan of her intent to take that 10 days with notable prior notice.  SpermGrandHag never allowed DW to have her time with SS in DW's own home town and always went RADIO silent and had SS out of town for July 4th and would run with SS anytime DW tried to take her 10 days.  Eventually DW quit trying to even take her mid summer 10days.  

Interestingly after SS's three younger all out of wedlock half sibs by two other baby mamas came along and got older SpermGrandHag started asking for Christmas day which DW responded to with a rolled up copy of the CO about the Hag's head and shoulders.  

Do what it takes to get a clear CO. Whatever the CO orders, follow it to the letter, and do not tolerate the opposition if they attempt to deviat.   After a number of rejections of her Christmas requests the Hag called DW ranting. DW let her blow a gasket for a bit then smacked her with reminding her that Christmas is not mentioned in the CO and SpermLand visitation either ends the day before Christmas or starts the day after.  Then rolling out full frontal to the Hag that she had failed to surrender SS for DW's 10 days in the summer countless summer and had violated the CO for XX years then telling the Hag that DW had never denied them visitation to STFU.  The Hag got real quiet.  Though she still tried for Christmas day occassionally until SS aged out from under the CO.  Of course the SpermIdiot was nowhere to be seen or heard.

Many COs alternate the holidays via even and odd years.  Follow the CO to the letter. No matter what excuse either sie or the other may have. Family visiting, a vacation, etc, etc, etc... Make those plans in accordance with the CO or ... learn to be disappointed.

The Hag would load SS up with the bullshit about Christmas.  We did not load him up with her manipulation about the 10 day summer visitation.  Though we did review the CO with him on a number of occassions. Eventually he asked why we never took the 10 days in the summer.  We told him the truth.

I have never understood how or why so many CODs have either no CO or a completely ineffective/inadequate CO that defines their broken family interfaces.  If a failed couple could collaborate and work together they likely would not be a failed couple.  What makes failed couples think that their kids should have to navigate never ending drama between their parents?  What is is about the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession morons that end up on the family law bench and doom CODs to what so many suffer with?

I do not ascribe to the Dr. Laura model which is that divorced parents should not have a personal life until their COD children reach adulthood.  Kids whose failed couple parents remain together "for the kids" often are even more F'd up than kids who have immature failed adult divorce parents.  I for one would not doom my kid to have the example of parents who should have divorced long ago.  

Just my thoughts of course.