"you knew what you were signing up for". No one has any advice for me, not even my parents. Mostly just "disengage, she has two parents and you arent one".

Good luck with alienated SD.

The court of public opinion. Kiss SD's ass, say thank you when SD pisses on you, and  never show affection towards DH infront of the mighty first family skid. Remember how hard this is on skid. Never try to replace her mother, dont expect SD to ever see you as her mother, BUT love her like your own. AND for the love of god if SD calls and asks daddio to take her out smile and say ok no problemo even if that meant cancelling your own birthday dinner. Dont be a selfish SM

Going to a therapist (who was not a step parent and had no experience with them) and being told to "think happy thoughts" (paraphrasing here a bit). Steptalk is far better than therapy!

"You are the adult and can't expect a child to be held accountable for their actions."

"You need to love Spawn like your own, after all your DH does that with your BS."

"You need to stop letting Meth Mouth control how things are at your house."

"You should be working harder on your relationship with Spawn, doing more one on one stuff with her so she doesn't feel left out."

"You need to step up and be the parent because DH works full time that's his job, your job is to be the mom!"

Needless to say I swallowed all of this horrible advice because I had no clue about blended families and only knew that somehow the failure of it was all my own fault.  It took me years to break out of this awful mentality and when I started holding people accountable for their actions suddenly I was a horrible uncaring unloving person.  

When my SD32 was around 15 and older, I kept trying to find a therapist. I was going absolutely insane and had heart palpitations and other physical symptoms from the abuse that SD was dishing out. I was watching a fully-blown narcissist in action. I tried probably at least five therapists and never went back after the first session because when I'd explain why I was there, I'd get, "well, she will be a completely different person when she's 25. Her brain hasn't fully developed yet." If I had nickel for every time I heard that line of crap...

Then, if I had a penny for every time I heard, "well, the kids always come first..." "Make sure the kids are first..." After years of that, even DH was quite unhappy and very disappointed with how the freaks were turning out and we switched it up to taking the lead and demoting the kids back to kid position. 

Oh and my favourite: "just love her to death." This one is said in many situations. I recently had to speak to a major bullying case that I've been witnessing at work for years. There have been many investigations and tons of documentation. Also, many witnesses and each and every time, the complainant and the witnesses keep getting told, "just love him to death." 

Basically ALL of the same things. 

"Don't try to take BMs place. But also step up when BM drops the ball."

"You knew what you were getting into."

"You should let SD7 do bridal portraits with you. And also make a 7 year old stand up front for the wedding ceremony."

"You should let SD8 be a part of the baby announcement."

*not me, but I have heard* "Let SD be involved with the baby and ASK HER FOR NAMES."

Mind you for all of these... SD wanted nothing to do with weddings or babies. This was all OTHER people making suggestions. 

People are totally ignorant about how step families work. I think the worst advice I got was someone telling me that "he will always love his wife because she gave him his child." And that I just had to understand that.

I AM THE WIFE. I can't tell you how many times people referred to BM as "his wife" even after we got married.

When their own bio mum abandoned them, neglected them, abused them, tormented them, but now she is telling my husband's family how i love them like my own kids when i never did, not one ounce.

there is nothing to love about their disrespectful feral behaviour. 
 

another one is basically drop everything we have going on in our lives to be at skid meetups for lunch because biomum need to insert skids as centre of my marriage and life when they are not.

i shut that down early on and made it clear to hubby how much i wanted to punch his exwife in the face for claiming to his family I love his kids like my own and that there would never be a day i ever expect to because of the horrible people they are and hubby is partly to blame for allowing that behaviour to continue

i had the whole hubby would disappear all day Saturday despite being at work all day during weekdays that our 2 toddlers never got time with him as they were in bed when he got home and were still asleep when he left for work.

now Saturdays hubby disappeared all day to play chauffeur for skids whilst i was home with 2 toddlers. He didn't even ask or even consider buying some takeout from the fancy restaurant he took skids to, no i still cooked dinner for me and our kids. Sunday hubby would be at golf. About 2 times of this and i made it clear to hubby if he couldn't make time for us and our little kids, he simply had no right to piss off for a whole weekend entertaining skids and him being treated as an atm and play sport the next day. If he wanted skid time, he better make sure he spent time with our kids and sleeping on the sofa while our kids watched cartoons pr entertain themselves doesn't count.

it took a while but my husband made it clear to his kids who are not sd27, ss23.5 and sd17 that his priority is to us for holidays etc because they are old enough to be independent and since they refuse to interact with us and treat us as hubbys family too, he simply will not pretend we don't exist to appease them. Their behaviour is unacceptable but its on them now

That the worst statement in the world.  No one can know what it's going to be like.  No ANON  step mparents can understand.

You can explain and explain and explain again. And they still don't get any of it.  The can not understand the easy thing. So the hard things are out of the question,  My big thing was no alone time with my DW. We had the kids 24/7/365. Bio dad did nothing.  Just to go to Burger King for a hamburger was a massive thing.  Babysitter,  The babysitter cost more then dinner.  
I was telling someone one about this saying. You were married, you had a year of alone time.  There answer was we did nothing .  Work shop cook    But you we're doing that alone.  If you want to play around 10 am Sunday in the kitchen you could. Answer. We did not do that.   Right. 
 

That a man who is doing nothing for his kids still control your life.  What they did in there marriage ,, effects your life.  
 

"She's just going through a normal teenage phase."

When they find out OSD hasn't spoken with her dad for YEARS. YEARS people - think that's normal do you?  I just nod and say "We'll see." And steer clear of going into how PAS works.

Yes preach to all of the above! 
When I confided to people in my life that I disengaged from SD and only focusing on my own child, they look at me like I sprouted a second head. 
'wait you ignore a 7 year old and she watches you give all of your attention to her baby sister?!' 
Ummmm first of all my child is my daughter and priority before my husband's child. I'm not ignoring her, simply stepping back which then means DH will have centre stage to interact and parent SD for my own sanity. Also, I just loooove that my first baby I just gave birth to is always going to be labelled as a sibling first instead of my daughter. Ugh! You can't get these people to understand though. 

"You need to learn to get along with Satan"

"Satan can talk to DH whenever she needs to"

The only one has attempted to give me advice was MIL. Other people know better than to talk about the BMs unprompted.

MIL shortly after we bought the house: I  think you should go out and get a Miata and just have fun. You are not their mother.

MIL about DH NOT SKs: I think what he( DH) needs is a mother 

My SM and my mother: They're not your kids why do you care 

Friends when complaining about lack of manners/ control)?: Why don't you get full custody.

The following capitals are not yelling but BIG expectation I have encountered throughout my years.

Expectation: BE ONE BIG FAMILY WITH DH BM1 BM2 AND SKS AND THEIR HALF BROTHERS AND SISTERS MAYBE DISTANT COUSINS TOO.- I wasn't aware that I joiner a HAREM.

Expectation: LET BOTH BM BE DRIVEN, TAKEN CARE OF AND PAID BY DH WHILE YOU PAY AND STAY ALONE WAITING FOR HIM TO COME HOME FROM VARIOUS ACTIVITIES WITH THE BM( and possibly SK) -  Hehe nope this one was the first shutdown.

Expectation: BM GETS HER HOUSE/car/ FILL IN THE BLANK FIXED BY DH.. - BM rents call your landlord. 

Expectation: SKs VISIT WHENEVER THEY WANT( THAT ACTUALLY MEANS WHENEVER BM feel LIKE). - three pronged approach of getting visitation papers updated in court and not answering the door/ phone when someone drops the kids unannounced and not switching our weekend ( took THREE years to convince DH but I eventually prevailed! Overcoming this expectation was the hardest but once overcome our marriage became more solid and other expectations were easier to challenge and overcome)

Expectation: SM has to prove to everyone including the beggar on street that she is worthy as a mother. - Their MOTHERS have to prove that first!  My bar was really low bc they are both nasty and I'm not ashamed to point that out!

Omg my brain hurts ...I could write a book about these expectations and advices! 

The point is that nobody knows the hardships of being an SParent. especially when we are childless prior. SParents have to have a very steep learning curve coupled with an ABSOLUTELY nonexistent relationship adjustment period. I have cut myself some slack over the years with the idea that some of these challenges we face are also faced by regular parents and failed miserably by those same regular folk. These regular couples end in bitter divorces over issues we as stepparents also find hard.

You knew what you were getting into is a a yes and a no for me..  I mean, there are some situations where it's clear that the SP has no ability to accept their partner's former child in their life.. and it may be that they didn't realize that about themselves going into it.. or that in some cases people moved so quickly that they didn't get a chance to see a full picture.

There are other cases where no one could predict the level of caca that the sP has to deal with. and even in situations that are fairly normal, no one can really explain that we are all sort of running against the grain here.  It's not necessarily normal for beings to happily take on the offspring of others.  

And.. I think people discount the fact that the kids can also have their own very formed ideas about whether they want a "new parent".. it's just not all bonus child crap.

I have had to fight the "if they are his kids.. they are your kids" mentality too.  I mean, I actually care about both of my SD's.. but they have 2 parents and that wasn't my role.  Sure, I was head of a household they lived in during parts of their childhood.. but I was not mommy.  and you don't have to BE mommy to have a good relationship with your skid.

And... I guess it wasn't so much as advice, but my expectations were that since I was a reasonable person... there wouldn't be issues with the ex because.. really I had no interest in competition.. drama.. but that didn't stop it from coming..lol.

I never got any bad advice. If I tried explaining the situation to anyone they gave me a baffled clueless look like I must be from a different planet.