It started out like all stories, you meet a guy, fall in love and decide to get married.  (And in my case, remarried).  I had a DS, now 13 and DD, 11 and DH had a 2 year old daughter from a VERY short relationship (3 months).  BM left their relationship and then refused DH any contact with her pregnancy or his daughter since birth and he was forced to fight in court for visitation - which wasn't first received until she was 4 months old.  Since then, BM was convinced SINCE BIRTH, that SD was autistic.  It wasn't until DH and I were engaged and buying a house together that BM decided to take him to court for restricted visitation on the grounds that he was 'not supporting her autism diagnosis' and 'endangered her health' along with arrearage due (THAT was a big argument between DH and I that I can explain later.  Lets just say that he was ignorant and we all paid for it).

Even though SD was abnormally quiet, I wasn't sure that I bought into the diagnosis.  BM never advised DH about any of her appointments for evaluations so they were extremely one sided.  I later found that DH received one thing from BM about therapy and another printed paper off the internet from BM.  You see, BM tries to think she's a nurse or doctor even though she has not further education besides HS and is a CNA.  SD was quiet, but did not seem delayed.  The more doctor paperwork we pried into and received showed BM kept changing the story on SD to make it look like she had issues that even I had never experienced from her when at our home. I started to wonder how a BM could and want to create their child to have a disability?  Then I found contemporary munchausen by proxy syndrome.  BM would only sign to SD so that she would not talk.  She wouldn't potty train her.  She wouldn't let her feed herself until she was over 2 because at 1 BM claimed to doctors 'she was self-injurous by putting the spoon too far in her mouth and gagging herself.'  (I, like most normal people, realize that this is NORMAL for a child when learning to feed themselves.) BM would allow SD to throw up her food at the dinner table.  She also BM refused to education SD but wanted to homeschool her.  And the worse, she state dental insurance but allowed SD's teeth to rot.  To the point we had to force her to take her to the dentist after a tooth actually broke in half when SD was 3.  (Of her teeth, 8 had to have stainless steel crowns, three venerred, one extracted and only 2 were acceptable.  AT 3 years old)  BM, who is in 30's, lives with HER parents in BFE down a quarter mile lane.  BM's dad is on disability even though nothing seems to be wrong with him.  This lead me to believe that she was trying to get SD diagnosed for disability and life child support.  Extremely sickening to me.  Or she really is just THAT ignorant?!

We ended up going through a few attorneys before finding one that took the info, put BM on the stand (she made her own credibility loss with the judge) and fight for custody so that SD can be enrolled in school, socialized and get the help she needs to grow before the damage by BM is permanent.  

Continued:

I handed the attorney a pile of exhibits showing what BM had been telling doctors.  How her examples of DH endangering SD's life were bogus.  One example was when SD ended up with Mersa the week after her father's weekend visitation.  Funny thing was she didn't ever count on him contacting the doctor for the med records - but I did.  And guess what? The doctor had in the notes that the mother noticed the spot the day she sent her.  Oh, and mersa is frequently found at hospitals, doctor offices and etc..  The exact places that BM and BM Mom, who all live in the same house with SD, work.  Coincedence?  I think we will throw that one out.  The next was that SD had a fever when BM picked her up from DH and she claimed is was Influenza A.  Once again, doctor office records stated otherwise.  Another throw out.  HOWEVER, it was very hard for the judge to ignore the dental neglect, the education neglect, the fact that she stated on the stand that she takes SD nowhere because she is out of control.  I found this really funny since SD doesn't even talk and is scared of EVERYTHING because she hasn't been allowed out.  We also proved, with her to her own demise, that she overmedicates SD frequently.  This has caused her to have no immune system as well as constant upper respiratory infections because BM, BM dad and BM mom all smoke in the house.  And since SD never gets to go anywhere except for visitation with DH, she was under constant sickness.  So, we proved that BM is nuts and how she has created a TON of problems for this child. Hence, the judge granted my DH full custody.

This was two years ago.  The year before this my SD heard my older 2 calling me mom for a year and started calling me mom.  I didn't correct her, she was 3. One day after she was leaving from weekend visitation, she yelled it towards our house and BM heard her.  That was the last time she addressed me as such and until the past few months where I set a rule that she had to address me by my name, the last time she has addressed me.  After custody change it got worse.  I tried to give an update to BM on SD schoolwork one day when she came to get her (DH was still at work) and after that weekend, SD refused to even answer me when I would try to help her with her homework.  The not speaking problem has been going on since birth and only started to change after we made a rule that she must speak or we would ignore her.  It worked, for awhile and then it only worked for certain people.  It changed after every other weekend visitation with BM.  Every return she would be remote, distant, unhappy and angry looking.  She would not interact with the rest of the family except for DH.  To also update, she can talk, is not deaf and even teachers and the therapist have said that she knows what you are saying and is choosing not to talk.  So it's a control thing.  And it is a completely rude control thing that is almost always inflicted by her to me.  Because she knows how irritating it is to me.  So I am trying to work on not letting her get under my skin.  I mean, come on, she's 6!  I am letting a 6 year old get me irate! 

DH sometimes attempts to resolve the issue and make her talk but frequently, he does not want to handle her staring at him and not answering, so he gives her an answer or two, she says one of them and he chalks it off.  Just like a disney dad!  Happened the other night.  Happens ALL the time.

So now that we know SD is NOT autistic and is normal, we have to accept that she can be raised like any other child, right?  Nope, wrong.  She is special because she has a shitty BM.  (At least this is the argument the MIL have had a few times recently).  I have two old children and a toddler and am not going to play favorites or special treat any of them.  And IF I was, it would be one of my own!  SD has stolen things and lied for well over a year despite DH trying every kind of punishment you can think of.  And yet she still does it and now, will actually admit she lied and not care!  Extremely defiant.  And there isn't anything she really cares about that you can take from her to get a reaction, so you can forget about that, too.  Extremely frustrating for a 6 year old to behave as such!  You can ask her what the good choice would have been and she readily admits she chose bad and simply DOES NOT CARE!  Awesome.  Just awesome to think of what kind of future this child will have....a child who has no boundaries and has learned to lie and manipulate for well over 4 years.

So I convince DH to get her into therapy in order to find out why she is lying, defiant, peeing her pants again after mom's visitations, not talking, etc.  as well as to prevent eating disorders as a teenager since she was throwing up her food for a few years. He finally agrees.  Takes months but finally, she tells therapist that BM has been telling her not to talk to me and to the therapist.  DH was there and found out first hand.  And she told DH taht it makes her feel bad and sad.  Honestly, I don't think she feels bad about me because I get glared at from her on such a regular basis I ignore it anymore. (Mainly because I would call her bluff about not bringing in homework from bookbag, not washing hair, not wiping after #1 & #2, not putting our laundry away, not picking up food and such that we dropped on the floor, not using manners and ignoring people, not using table manners at all, and the list goes on.) I recently gave up on calling her bluff and now I act SO SURPRISED when DH tells me how she didn't do what he asked!  Wow......shocker!  lol.  I have decided to disengage.  BUT this still has not fully happened because we are now going back to court......

So, I helped give the attorney the needed info because we CANNOT afford to pay him very much!  Last time was over $10k with all my work and since I left the workforce over a year ago, we don't have the income.  (I left because we could not find reliable sitter for the 6 month old and I decided to go back to school online while at home so I can go back to work making much more). So we have been tight financially for awhile.  That's fine, I'm used to being poor.  But I do not like court costs or attorney costs when the reason we are going to be there is BM fault.  So I pray we are awarded court costs and reasonable attorney fees.

I was supportive of DH decision after SD's reveal to deny BM any further visitatation until they go to court.  Even though this meant I would not get a slightly newer vehicle that would replace my tranny slipping $230k+ mile vehicle because the attorney would gobble it up on their retainer.  (And by slightly newer, I mean one with 150k miles!)  I am not resentful of the cost.  It is the tension court brings to my house and my DH.  Well, and that I don't really want SD here all the time if BM only receives supervised visitation or none at all.  It is just nice to know that EOW she goes to blankly and weirdly stand and stare at people elsewhere.  And that I don't have to feel uncomfortable in my own home or watch that SD doesn't do anything mean to DH and I DD (18 mo.).  EOW without her gives my DH time to bond with our DD, which he otherwise doesn't do without feeling guilty about SD or without SD practically hovering over or calling at him for his attention to her.  It's extremely annoying and I know lots of you SM out there understand what I am talking about!

So this was the first weekend that SD was here ALLLLLLLLLL WEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEENNNNND.  And it has felt like an eternity.  DH spent most of his time trying to do stuff with her or let her watch tv half the damn day (which would never be allowed by for my older two). And then tonight when he FINALLY was playing with our DD, SD butted in with a 'look daddy!' which she only says when she is jealous and wants his attention.  The second time she yelled at him I had enough and called out "I would hope so since it's DD's toy'. Noting that SD is 6.5 and in first grade and DD is 18 mo. old and the toy was putting numbers or letters in order.  I was angry because I heard him tell our DD to share 4 times and he was not seeing what was happening until our DD was grabbing at one of her toy's from the SD, who had set it down and ripped it out of DD hand's like she was going to play with it again.  Just in time for DH to only see DD crying and throwing a fit.  SD has her own toys in her room, go play with them.  She had no interest all day when DD was not playing with her toys in the living room and then all of a sudden she gets down to play with DD's toys, not WITH DD!  Once again, my mouth opened and spewed and caused WW3 in our home.  DH then told me I was out of line.  Well, actually, I thought I was just telling the truth....why would I give SD an Atta Boy for her doing something that she should be able to do already?! This is the mentality that gives trophies for all the winners because there aren't any losers and I firmly disagree in rose colored glasses of over the top optimism in a mediocre child.  I don't even do it for my own kids so I am sure in the hell not going to do it for Stepbrat!

If you couldn't tell, I am a little aggravated with DH's behavior and his shallow muddy water gene pool production.  Sorry for the rant.  I think I'm done for now.