When I first signed on to this forum a month ago, I was going through a very tough time with my last SD moving out. I didn't understand and could not believe a 20-year-old I had known for 13 years could be so callous.

Then I started reading the forum and specifically the disengage forum and how disengaging from SKs had helped others.  At first, it seemed counter-intuitive as I had raised each of my 4 SDs until they graduated from high school. Their BD had left them for three years during my marriage and I was pushed into a situation that I never wanted to be in. I wanted to take on a supportive role during my marriage to my wife. I wanted a positive relationship with the girls but did not want to replace BD.

However, that is what I became and it was exhausting. I always felt out of place and even guilty once my wife and I had our own children. I went from a house full of estrogen and going through more toilet paper than I ever thought possible to a house full of little kids and more specifically 6 boys when factoring in my biological kids and nephews. 

I went from having tea parties to playing tackle football with a rolled-up sock in the living room, flying elbows off the couch, and tickle wars. I always tried to accommodate the girls, but it became harder as they got older and the difference was easily seen.

Every time I would come home from work and sit down my two bio-daughters would walk over, sit on my lap, and want to talk to me about their day. If I got too busy they would gang up on me and let me know I had not spent enough time with them and I needed to take them out on a daddy date. It was natural and nothing had to be said or even pursued.

The older SDs with whom I had a decent relationship saw this. I would get comments from them asking why I didn't do that with them. I'd hear them say, "Well they are his own so he actually cares about them!" 

So I tried to carve out time with them. I spent nights talking and listening to their teenage issues. I fixed their cars, took them out to dinner and a movie when they needed to get away, and I could keep going. It did not come naturally for me to spend time with them so I was intentional about it and would schedule times.

I have two SD that are married and doing fine. The oldest had a rocky relationship with me but has since matured and apologized. The other I have no issues with and have a great relationship. The other two that accused me of favoritism moved out and do not speak with me unless they are in need of money. The last time I spoke with one she accused me of never being emotionally available for her and that I neglected her.

She is most likely projecting her emotions about her father onto me and therein lies my biggest mistake in raising them. There should have been better expectations and communications as to what my role was supposed to be. My wife and I both made this mistake due to their BD being gone for three years.

After the last SD left the house it felt as if a weight fell off my back. I still felt guilty because I love my wife, she is my best friend, and I know she wishes her relationship was better with them. However, we have always maintained that our relationship takes priority over any of our children.

Within a month my wife's smile was back which I have not seen in over a year. She and I are excited about this new chapter and have completely disengaged from the younger SDs while maintaining a positive relationship with the two older ones. I have lost close to 30 pounds and am off of blood pressure medicine. 

My biological children who now have their own rooms are also enjoying the new situation. The focus is on them and their needs rather than the constant drama brought on by the other two. 

I do feel sorry for the two younger ones. Their dad just wasn't there and when my job was moved out of state when they were in high school it was a tough transition for them. Their dad comes and goes when he pleases. He has a lot of money and when it is convenient for him he will spend it on them.

However, his failure is not mine and I do not carry his responsibility. While I do not agree with those who maintain a victim mentality I can understand my SDs anger. The man they grew up with could not be the dad they needed because it was never his place to begin with and to see that man have his own children and their relationships thrive with him must be difficult. As much as they want to make me a bad dad they can't.  

I guess what caused me to hold on to that guilt for way too long is that I always viewed my SDs as victims. They did not choose for their parents to get divorced and for them to remarry. As they got older you'd like to see them mature and see the full picture of what it is, but their experiences create a different filter for each of them and they process their world differently.

With all of that being said, life just happens and it may be unfair but it is those who understand how to take the curveballs and not become victims to it that become successful. I know that getting through what those girls put me through has made me a more patient, loving, and enjoyable parent to my other children. I will always thank them for that.

Hopefully, over time they can shake their victim mentality and become a great wife and mother to someone someday.

But until that day...they can stay a safe distance from my family.