Well I've done a lot of thinking since the OMG.  Up until the incident that started this journey I had been disengaged.  I made what would get eaten and was easy on the budget.   I made sure there was SS food in the house but didn't go out of my way to get special food.   My bio-kids like Macaroni and Cheese for lunch at times so its usually in the house.  I let his dad buy anything else his son would eat and life was what is was.  I was also practicing what was known at the pause. I had read a article that hit home with me.  I tend to act impulsively and had started to pause before I say something.  I don't know , I was tired , his son had joined us for dinner because it was one of his favorites and the excuses could go on .  I didn't practice my pause.  The incident in question was when SD was visting we had a party .  Alchohol was served.   His daughter was 20 at the time but living in a country that didn't have a drinking age.  Her mother had always let her drink.  So needless to say his daughter got drunk.  I ddn't like it but if he let her that was his decision.   Fast forward two weeks after the party, I run into several people from the party who asked if I approved on his daughter drinking at the party (they knew her age) and whether my job ( I'm a educator) was in jeoparady since there were high ups from the district present at the party.  Food for thought and needless to say I dwelled.   Then my parents came for Christmas.   They asked about the driniking incident as well as if this child being out school would affect my job.  More dweling.   So when he and his dad were joking about his son having a drink at dinner I blew it.  I brought forth the incident that had been dwelling in my head.   I said sorry, out of line and thought move on.   Everyone makes mistakes and forgot abouit the incident.  Two days later when all kids are out of the house his dad says we need to talk, tells me I'm a hypocrite and asks me to explain myself.  I immediately go on the defensive "what" . I was a hypocrite because on Christmas Eve dinner , I offered the two oldest boys a drink of Sangria.  My son is 20.  It was one drink, his first drink and special occasion.  My parents had offered me drinks at this age on special nights.  Didn't think anything of it.  DH had become convinced that my son was drunk and since I went off I was hyprcrite for geting on his daughter's case when my own son was drunk.   The defense was that hsi daughter lives in a country that doesn't have a drinking age.  Once again , I didn't follow my own rules and brought in other incidents.   

Now today.   After reading what disengagement is and realizing he practices it with my kids and I had been practiicng it with his .  I realize I need to just let be what I cannot change.  I need to be comfortable in his love for me because frankly our love will be there after the kids have moved out. I will bring up incidents that need to be brought up at the time of their occurance, not later.  When I am comfronted with something he has brought up, I will stick to the issue he has brought up and not bring in other issues.  When I feel attacked or feel he is out of line.  I.E. getting on my chidlren's cases for something he lets his son get away with.  I will let him know.  So here's to better communication.   

Which brings to mind another thing.  Putting in the blog because writing it down will help me remmeber.  I have my daughter pay for her phone  and her portion of the car insurance as well as the gas for her car. I also expect her to pay for her own entertainment.  She has a good job, she can afford it. My sons pay for their own entertainment.  All  my kids have been doing this since their dad and I divorced.  My daughter has a lot of maturity on her and realized life isin't fair.  SS got his driver's license , doesn't pay anything toward his insurance.  His mother pays for his phone so that is a non-issue.   However, DH gave him a credit card to use for gas.  Since he has the habit of going to rescue all his friends, convinces his friends to buy him lunch in exchange for a ride , he goes through quite a lot of gas.  So anyway, my daughter realizes that she pays for things his son doesn't have to.   I tell her she'll be better off as she realizes the value of money and responsibility.   So here's to going back to what worked, disengagement.  Let him parent his son, I'll parent mine.    I will appreciate that he changes the oil in my daughter's car, fixes any problems he can, keeps air in the tires of my son's bikes and will drive my son when necessary.  I won't over analyze what doesn't need it and let things be that I cannot change.  Appreciate what I have and accept that his son is in couseling for a reason and don't make his problems my problems.