I did not want this post to get lost in the 70+ responses to the orginal post of what makes a good step parent verses a bad one. However I would like to go through the original posting on a step by step basis.

A good stepparent genuinely loves his or her stepkids.

I do not love my fskids. I do care about them, I do care what happens to them, I do wish for the best for them. There are parts of their personalities that I find humerous and adorable. Then there are the days that I do not even Like them due to their behavior/attitudes/immaturity/normal teenage manipulations.

I myself do not feel this makes me a "bad" future step parent. This makes me realistic. None of my DNA runs through these childrens veins. I am not morally, ethically or biologically inclined to overlook their shortcomings and love them or like them unconditionally. It is their responsibility as much as it is mine to ensure we can co-exist peacefully. I will not assume full responsibility for the relationship(s). If their behavior is so intollerable that it causes a rift within the relationship, then it is their responsibility to fix said behaviors and attempt to heal the rift. I would not allow BM of BF to step in and "fix" the issue, it is personal responsibility for the kids and self governing of their behavior that would fix it. If this makes me a "bad" future step parent in some BM's mind... so be it.

Does she feel bad sometimes that she isn't the first to have had a child with her partner? Absolutely - that's normal. Resenting the stepkids for that: not normal.

I do not subscribe to this theory in its entirety either. Resentment, jealousy, insecurity, powerlessness and emotional castration are all emotions/feelings that step parents go through. It is hard to always be the bigger person, when there are so many mental midgets attempting to tear you down day after day, week after week, over months and even years.

Have your spouse choose their ex-spouse or parent/friend/sibling over your needs and wants endlessly and I think the OP would change her tune as well. The children are an extention of their mother/ father. Resentment towards them in some cases is cast off resentment for the sparent towards their spouse/BM/BF. Is it right? It is fair? Do they actually want to resent the child (unless the child's behavior warrants the resentment?) No. However it is totally NORMAL to feel these emotions when your sitting at the bottom of the hill that nothing but sh*t rolls down. Eventually you are buried in sh*t and the sparent will come to resent heavily the physical icons of what causes all that sh*t, the skids. For in truth, if the skids were not there, the sparent would not be feeling as they are.

Resenting a birth parent due to their behavior? Again, absolutely normal! Making the children aware of your feelings of said birth parent: not normal.

Again, get buried in enough sh*t and it is human nature to defend oneself. If you have a BM who is non-stop trash talking you, encouraging the children to misbehave or disrespect you and these behaviors go on for years, the natural human instinct of self defense will kick in. By the OP's post, if you don't like the kids opposit bio parent you should not tell them. What if they ask. "Do you like my mom?" Should I then Lie to the child and tell them yes, disrespecting both myself and the child in the process of lying, while well aware the kid likely knew the answer to that question long before they asked it? Or should I be evasive in my answer? "I don't know you mother, how could I either like her or dislike her?" Still dishonest so we are then teaching the children to evade answering questions directly when asked. Perhaps I should sugar coat it " I don't dislike your mother, but I have serious concerns about some of her actions/ behaviors"... What the kid hears is "I Don't like your mom".

Bottom line: While I would never volunteer the information, if asked I will be perfectly honest with my fskids that no, I do not like their mother. We are not friends and there is no reason for me to 'like' her.

I've read a lot of the blogs here in the past few days, and it still makes me tremendously sad to read some of the venom some folks have for their step kids. Especially the younger ones. Why become a step parent if you don't like kids?

Zazzery, I believe you are missing the point. Sparents do not become sparents because they want to. Skids come with the people we fall in love with. I seriously doubt your own husband woke up one morning and thought to himself 'I feel like becoming a step parent and taking on someone else's responsibility while receiving no recognition or gratitude for my efforts. I shall go forth today and find myself a single mother, marry her and take on her child as my own.'

Be realistic, No one volunteers for this job. We meet someone, physical attraction, mental and emotional compatability match and our body's hormones go nuts. Serotonin explodes into our brains, which whips a pair of rose tinted shades onto our face leading us to believe everything will be fine. Six months later, serotonin dries up and we all wake up wondering wtf did I do?!?!?

Love remains yes, but reality has crashed in. We are sparents. We have -0- say in anything regarding those kids, meanwhile our lives are completely revolving around them, parenting schedules, attitudes, behaviors, grades, biological parents unable to get along (duh they divorced!). We weren't looking or skids we we chose our partners, we were looking for someone to love us and to get laid on a regular, safe, monogamous basis. Trust me, skids do not factor into that. But they can kill it.

Zazzery- some of your other postings show that you are a BM. Your a mom, congrats. Some of us don't have that title... but we get to deal with 'mommies little darlings' when mom is not around. Trust me, your hair would turn white and stand on end if you saw half the things your own child can and probably does do when you can't see him.

Counceling? Yes, it can help some people. Some kids. Help smooth out some circumstances that come up.

Other times what these kids and bio parents need is either:

A) to be beaten with a custody order until such time as the print is indelibly imprinted in their brain so they can not 'forget'

or

A foot up their ass, which then needs to be rotated until attitudes adjust accordingly.

Until you walk a mile in a step parents shoes, reserve your judgememt.

And as a thought: Talk to your husband this evening. Ask him how many times you have emasculated him when it comes to correcting or disciplining your child, to enforcing rules or boundaries within your home with Jr. Don't just brush this off with an "I don't do that", ask him. His answer will likely shock the heck out of you.