That's what ask I myself when I think back to the woman who dealt with everything that happened in the last twelve years The twelve years since I met my husband, his children and his psycho xwife. It actually horrifies me that I spent so many years embroiled in their unhealthy relationships. I look back now at who I was then and don't even recognize myself! It's a weird feeling to have. It's almost like I stepped out of reality for a good chunk of my life and entered into the twilight zone.

When I met my husband he was newly divorced from a woman who had an alcohol/drug problem. She went into rehab four times, but started up again within a week or two of getting out. He finally realized he had to leave, and she agreed he should take the kids,as she was unfit to care for them.

We were just friends in the beginning and he would talk to me about his situation. He seemed like a responsible adult who was doing the right thing by his kids. I admired him for that. I was in my 40s, divorced and had been single a long time. I had a pretty active social life, but was hoping at some point to settle down again with a nice guy. I didn't want to jump into anything with this man due to the newness of his divorce, the kids, etc. So I waited a while before I would accept a date with him.

Fast forward several months, we've been dating and I've met the kids, 5yo daughter and 7 yo son, who actually seem to like me! But I am noticing extreme Disney Dad behavior and extreme clinginess on the kids part. I attribute this to the divorce and think he'll come to his senses at some point. I actually feel bad for the poor kids, as their mom basically abandoned them. They never see her because she's always too drunk or drugged out. She doesn't even call them. At this point it's not a big issue, as we're only dating after all.

After dating for over a year, I could see the relationship heading in a much more serious direction and I could also see the Disney behavior isn't abating. I've got some serious thinking to do now. We had talks about the way he chose to raise his children. I spoke frankly about how this could create problems down the road for us, as I don't have children and I don't believe in overindulging children and not setting any limits etc. I discovered by spending time at his home that their were no boundaries. They all slept together, took showers together, children were allowed to interrupt all the time, they did poorly in school, didn't have to knock to enter a room, the list goes on. It was basically a free for all and I could tell he loved them dearly, and hated to see them show any kind of disappointment. So basically let them have and do anything they wanted. I should have ended the relationship right then and there.

And I did. I told him none of these was going to work for me. I told him he needed to be alone and not subject some outside person to this. Or at least find a woman who has her own children. He said he didn't want to raise someone elses kids. But apparently he thought it was ok for me to help him raise his!

Well we broke up for quite a while. He never stopped calling me, but I didn't date him anymore. We remained friends, but he always wanted more and badgered me about it all the time. Eventually I started to see him for casual date nights again, when we could get a sitter. And eventually the subject came up again about me moving in and again I turned him down.

Then I discovered my mother had 4th stage cancer and not long to live. She was only in her early 60s. I spent what time I could with her, taking care of her until the end. It was without a doubt the most horrifying experience of my life. The absolute worst year ever watching her suffer and feeling helpless.

He flew in to see me and visit my mom in the hospital after one of her operations. He told my mother not to worry, he would always make sure I was ok. He was very sweet.

I had sold my home before I went to take care of my mom. My mom had lived in another state, so when I came back home I had nowhere to live. He offered to put me up until I found a place. That's when he started his campaign to get me to stay.

Till this day I think the weakened mental state I was in after the death of my mother caused my poor decision making. He promised we'd go to family counseling. He agreed that he needed help with setting limits, that he was spoiling his kids, yadda, yadda, yadda. He said everything I wanted to hear and I really thought I could be a positive influence on his children. After all, they had a crappy mother. I could never replace her, but I could maybe do some good. I never had a child of my own. Never worked out for one reason or another. I was always ambivalent, but I didn't dislike children. So I thought, maybe this could work! I talked to a friend who was a stepmom to four children who were now grown. She told me it was rocky at first, but they all ended up loving each other to pieces! Of course her husband actually backed her up, which makes all the difference. Oh, how naive I was!!! (to be continued)