Ex Wife had Nothing to Prove. Prayers Come True!
To anyone following the previous blog post "Ex Claims my Fiancé Pushed her - Fiance taken to jail", there you will read how my fiance/husband's (I use the terms interchangeably) ex wife accused him of pushing her on a day of picking up "her" daughter.
(Her daugther is in quotes because this BM withholds all love from the daugther. BM's destructive nature will blackhole suck anyone/anything in within 100 light years radius).
Anywho...my fiance was prepared to go back to court today. Luckily God answered our prayers and my fiance recieved this voicemail:
"Good Morning, this is County District Attorney's Office calling for John Doe. You signed a bond yesterday at the County Jail indicating that you needed to be back at the courthouse today at 1:30. I'm calling to tell you that you do not need to appear. The Assitant District Attorney that has reviewed the reports will not be issuing charges at this time."
My fiance called back to confirm this miracle. The Assitant District Attorney said, "It's he-said/she-said, so yes." (No need to come in)
After this episode my husband purchased cameras from Best Buy. One he can carry on him, one for the dash of the car, one for the front door of the apartment, one for the back door of the aparment, then a voice recorder (just in case). Naturally, the Ex Wife will notice the camera on his person but it will deter her from doing something like this again. We have also discussed that our daugther (my stepdaugher) should be walking car to car (She is 6 so we aren't sure if she will do this willingly). Or all exchanges now taking place in the target parking lot. Something good came out of this.
Thank you to everyone that responded to the previously blog post. There were great words of encouragement given with helpful suggestions.
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Comments
Trouble
I feel like you enjoy the drama. Labels mean something and you are definitely trying to push buttons with calling this man your husband and this kid your daughter and having her call you mommy.
I think maybe you should step back and mind your own business for a minute. Stop judging how BM parents her own kid and stop forcing your boyfriend into more a relationship.
Hes lucky this time that he didn’t have charges against him. Next time, it could be CPS knocking at the door to ask about you. You have to protect yourself from this storm that’s brewing.
Why use husband/fiance interchangeably?
Why use husband/fiance interchangeably? They do not mean the same thing and it makes it difficult for people who have not read all of your blogs to understand your backstory.
In a previous blog you referred to "our stepdaughter" which is also confusing. The girl is your fiance's daughter and she is BM's daughter - no quotes needed. She is not your daughter and referring to her in that manner is going to cause your fiance problems in court.
If a judge catches you referring to her as "our" daughter or "our stepdaughter" your DH is going to pay a price in court.
BM has good qualities but
BM has good qualities but what she is doing to her child is damaging with life long effects. Would you sit back and watch someone you love go through unnecessary suffering? I am seen SD tear at her own face when she was angry, anxiously cry for spilling water, hit her father and myself, frequently get sick, and quote said "I will never be happy again." She is 6 and spends most the time with her mother. This is a child that has been through a lot and needs a parent that can empathize in a loving manner.
The "Step Parenting Guide: Becoming a Step Parent" and the "Remarriage Blue Print" both encourage the step parent takes an active role in the child-s life.
As for the drama...ain't nobody got time for that.
You are overestimating the
You are overestimating the power you have in this child's life. Absolutely, be kind to her and caring. But be prepared to lose her to BM's alienation by her early teens. Just empathizing and being nice and active in her life will not prevent what BM is doing to her.
It won't prevent BM's tactics
It won't prevent BM's tactics but it will shield the SD.
Listen - been there, done
Listen - been there, done that. You aren't the shield you think you are. If she's with that mother most of the time, eventually, she will become part of Cult Mom and then she will turn on you and your SO. You aren't doing anything special that the rest of us didn't try. What's happening now is that she's only 6. Alienation tends to take hold from 9-15.
Taking an active role does
Taking an active role does not mean trying to replace or force things before they exist. She is NOT your step daughter and he is NOT your husband. If the titles matter than make it happen.
This comes from someone who isn't married. He is my significant other (SO) and they are my future step children. It matters because words do matter. People do care when they are told one thing and find out it’s not true. I REFUSE to call them my stepchildren because they LEGALLY are not and misrepresenting that CAN get me in trouble.
I actually have BM’s ok for the kids to call me mom. I am on the school pick up list and all sorts of stuff but when it comes down to it he is NOT my husband and they are NOT my stepchildren.
That doesn’t take away from how I feel about them but it does matter when we look at emotional wellbeing. The facts are those things are not real and it can be very confusing for children if it’s not being handled correctly.
I do call mine stepkids
I do call mine stepkids because it's just easier. But he is my SO. We are engaged but we aren't married. When I've said "My partner's son" - people say "You mean your stepson?"
"My partner's son" is a good
"My partner's son" is a good idea to use. People have come up to me and assumed she is my daughter. I'm not sure if I should say anything or not. I do not want to alienate my "step"daugther by using the term step. I do feel as if she is my responsiblity to protect and raise.
This is a torn feeling about what I should do. Both myself and partner want me to take an active role in the daugther's life. My partner expressed he wants me to mother SD in her best interest (which to me is to love and treat her as my own).
My partner and I spoke to SD about how I am not a replacement for her mother and never will be; rather, I am a "bonus mom," someone to help guide her and take care of her. Daugther made it clear that she understands she has her Biological Mother and then she has me, by stating "I know, I know, you don't need to tell me again." She chose to call me "momma" or "momma my name" when I am with her, then calls me my name when she is with her BM. If she talks about her BM, we use the term Mom (for her mother).
There are times where SD has said things about her BM that were not okay, I simply say "Oh" or "Mhmm," then later bring this to the attention of my partner because these are issues to be address. There was one a time were SD explained to me that her BM said "Daddy and her are better off as friends." I said to SD, "Your mother is correct." SD and I made X-mas cookies together to give to her mother, which we enjoyed doing. If SD acts up, I ask her "if she allowed this kind of behavior when she is with her Mother" SD says, "no." So I respond with "okay, your mother does not approve, it is not allowed here either." A rule we have of the house is that SD is allowed to call her BM whenever she would like. I encourage my partner to tell his daugther stories of her birth, how he met her mom and past family times before I came into her life during family meals. It does help make SD feel better hearing those stories. SD will even tell me the same stories and I gladly listen.
Yes, BM is her mom; however, BM uses a lot of negative emotional demeaing tactics to control her daugther. BM's love is based on "you do what I say or I won't love you." I grew up with a parent very similar to her BM and felt the damange first hand. At the core, I witness how this can affect children so I feel an urge to protect SD and love her unconditionally as my own. (That way she has both her father and me, two parents that she knows loves her.)
However, people tell me to mind my own business. Or that I am the "crazy one". That I should not get involved. That I enjoy the drama. The labels I use are not correct. I'm not sure what to use or what to do....
Unless he goes to court there
Unless he goes to court there is nothing he can do to force her to take the child to a public location for the exchange.
All she has to do is refuse. On top of that there is nothing he can do without court to force her to have the child walk to his car alone.
I understand these steps being put into place but they are worthless without legal backing.
He needs to contact family court and request these changes be put into his order and provide them this as the reason.
I say again, do ALL exchanges
I say again, do ALL exchanges INSIDE the police station. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My DH always had me present
My DH always had me present when he picked up the skids or they ask to see him alone. BM had tried to hit him when he went to pick up the skids, she admitted this to the lawyer. She had also gotten out of a car and approached SD 49 and punched her. SD49 has a different mother.
I know somone who's BM and
I know somone who's BM and her Mom, ganged UP on a sm wanting to fight. That same BM did the fighting lurch at the sm too.
That same bm assulted SM's dh (BM's x) and she did the same thing to her new husband.
Its' nuts.
He has to go to court
Get CS taken out of her pay. Have exchanges done at police station parking lot with camber in it recording it all.
if you do nothing, nothing will change.