Just needing to vent a little.....

Ok, maybe someone will have some words of wisdom for me after reading this, idk...but I sure hope so. lol

To start off, last night DH & I were playing Uno online on facebook (we were bored lol). Well, it started off ok, sending each other the little gifts and then this girl who joined are game sent my DH a kiss (that's one of the pic gifts you can send to players). Well, because DH & I were sitting side by side in the house, he starts laughing and says " Ooooo did you see that hunna, that girl sent me a kiss." I just blew it off. Then that same girl starts playing all the skips, draw 2, and draw 4 on me. So I started doing it back to her. DH makes a comment on the ingame chat..."boy Mindi, my wife is being really rude to you. lol" Mindi's response " yeah she is." lol;) DH's response "must be because of the holidays and spending a week with her mom." Mindi's response "Yeah before you know it, one day you turn around and you're your mom." I got pissed....didn't even finish the game...just hit the red X and turned off the computer I was on. DH says....why did you leave? I said because you & Mindi were being rude to me. I was only doing back to her what she was doing to me. Hell i even blew off the fact that she sent him the kiss gift. So, that all happened last night. Well, today DH didn't have work because he had a job interview. So when he got home from that, it was lunch time....we both sat down to eat lunch and we started discussing what happened last night. He starts off by saying " What was your problem last night. I have been thinking about it all night and all morning and can't figure out fir the life of me what I did wrong." So I responded by saying " well, you made me the butt of your joke to that woman that neither of us knew." He says "I didn't really say anything that bad." I said "you were telling that girl that I was being really rude to her. and all I was doing was doing to her what she was doing to me." I then went on to say "you always make me the butt of your jokes and it is getting really old." He says " what do you mean?" I was like, well for example....you & SD15 are constantly making jokes about me & BM because of having to share a hotel room together this weekend and have been doing so ever since we made these arrangements for meeting half way. DH then flipped out on me and said " I am getting really sick of your shit, why don't you just go back to PA with your family instead of coming home after meeting BM." I don't know exactly what I said or did wrong that deserved a comment like that. He asked me what my problem was and I was trying to explain it to him. That I was tired of being the butt of his and SD15's jokes. But what happened last night just set me off on it all. After that, we have hardly spoken to each other and I don't know why. I even apologized to him for getting so upset about being the butt of his jokes. His response "you take things to serious" then dead silence. I am at a loss on what to do or say anymore. I tried calmly explaining the problem to him, but we end up fighting anyways. So I lose either way....doing it the nice way or doing it fighting from the start. Was I wrong to get so upset? Should I apologize for how I reacted? But how can I apologize when he told me to leave? Wishing life was not so complicated. :/

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I think you were a bit over

I think you were a bit over the top...BUT I understand why. The resentment that has been created because of the SD and BM is what triggered this...I would try to calmly apologize for what you said, the way you acted, etc...but tell him that for a while you've felt that they "gang" up on you or whatever and when that happened, it just reminded you of it...I know it's hard...Been there, done that...hmmm...Good luck!

I did try to calmly

I did try to calmly apologize for how I reacted and explain why I reacted the way I did. And DH just comes back with " fine I won't talk to you anymore and after you drop SD15 off to BM, you can take yourself the rest of the way to PA back home to your family & mom." So I did try but it did help.

i think u were a little out

i think u were a little out of line on the facebook thing, you let an underlying problem dictate your actions on a harmless game and then you blow up on a completely different issue when DH was trying to fix the first one. In my opinion, i think he felt ambushed.

I agree. I would apologize

I agree. I would apologize for the Facebook thing, but would tell DH that you feel ganged up on when he jokes about you that way. I also agree that it is an underlying problem. You need to fix that problem so you don't blow up on the little things, like Facebook.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

I did try to apologize for

I did try to apologize for how I reacted to the facebook thing. And I did try to calmly explain why I reacted that way and tried to resolve the underlying problem (DH & SD15 "ganging up" on me about sharing a hotel room with BM) and he didn't want to discus it...just said " fine I won't talk to you anymore and after you drop SD15 off to BM, take yourself the rest of the way to PA, back home to your family & mom." So, if he won't discus the problem with me, how am I to fix it?

See, I even told DH that the

See, I even told DH that the way him & her (the girl from facebook) were acting, could be took by some as flirting. But again he laughed and blew it off. And I left out a little bit in my original post....he sent me a rose, I sent him a kiss, then when he sent me a diamond ring, and that is when she sent him the kiss....and I told him to tell her to stop. But he just laughed about it and said "Oooo a kiss from another woman, whatcha think about that?" I told him I didn't appreciate it and that if it was the other way around, a guy sending a kiss to me & the guy being totally disrespectful to DH during the game....that DH would flip out & react the same way I did. But I would not egg it on, unlike DH did. But when confronted about it, DH says " awww we were just joking around with you." I guess by him saying that, I am to just forget about it & let it go. IDK?

Yes, he said AFTER I met with BM to drop off SD15....I could then take myself the rest of the way to PA. Back home to my family & mom b/c DH is tired of my shit. What about DH's shit I put up with? I did tell DH that if that is the case, DH can call off work on Saturday and go meet BM to drop off SD15. Because I'm not gonna make it easy on him if he wants me to leave.

I didn't think that I should have to apologize either for something that he did. I did however apologize for how I reacted to what was said. Because I went on to describe why I reacted that way over what happened in the online game. That's exactly how I felt....I felt like DH & the strange woman "ganged up" on me, just like DH & SD15 do a lot of the times. DH & SD15 have been doing this ever since the drop-off arrangement was made (which was a little over a month ago). The only other thing he said to me yesterday was...."fine I just won't talk to you anymore." That's not what I want....I just want DH & SD15 to stop making comments about me & BM sharing a hotel room (b/c I'm only doing it to make DH's life easier & to set a good example for the Skids & my own son on how people should treat each other in these types of situations) and for DH to quit making me the butt of his jokes all the time and to be treated with a little more respect for what I put up with. I guess I got a lot of thinking to do.

Believe me, right now I feel

Believe me, right now I feel like telling DH that.

Wow, huh. There are so many

Wow, huh. There are so many ways to handle that as a guy. I think you were right to get mad in your case. If he had maybe done a little bit of light joking for a minute then, fine. However, he went beyond the "Oh ha ha. Very funny." line and into the douche realm. Does he often feel like he needs to put you down? A little controlling?

And that's even before he tells you to move out. Couples have arguments and discussions of various intensities. Pulling out the "Why don't you just move back in with your parents" is just about the nuclear warhead of arguments. One that shouldn't be used lightly nor forgotten easily. Sounds like some other issues caused that to suddenly bubble up. Unless he has anger problems and blows up easily.

Ouch.

I haven't blogged at all

I haven't blogged at all about the relationship DH & I have yet, for fear that everyone here on ST will tell me to leave or ask why do I stay. But yes, my DH is some what controlling and I feel sometimes thinks he has to put me down to make himself feel superior.

It seems as though lately he uses the "Why don't you just move back in with your parents" more frequently. If you go back and read some of my posts, you will find that we are dealing with a lot right now with SD15. And it causes both DH & I to be on edge & stressed out. But I don't think it should excuse either of our behaviors in the current situation. And yes, DH does have some anger issues and has a hard time dealing with his anger & blows up easily.

I've often thought that a

I've often thought that a person's real personality comes out when they're under stress. Or when they're drunk.

I'm going through a stressful situation because of my own divorce. When the judge ordered a large amount of alimony and made bankruptcy a real possibility, I was angry and sad. For half a day. And then I was laughing and figuring out what I needed to do to make things work. My financee is the same way. At no time did I rail against her or her against me. I have skills, adaptability, a sense of humor and right and wrong and determination. If I lose the house then I'll get a cheap apartment and go from there. The problem won't last forever and my fiancee didn't cause it. My son didn't cause it. Why get angry at them? That's how I look at it.

Life will always have some stressful thing come up. Always. I personally couldn't be with someone that took out their stress on others. My ex had issues like that and it's one reason I'm divorcing her. She didn't take responsibility for her own actions and felt like I needed to "complete" her. If she was sad about something she shut down and expected me to be the court jester to cheer her up and get her talking again.

Telling someone to walk from a situation is always tough since they don't usually know everything. And it's not something to do lightly. People can tell you what they think is normal from their own experiences but that's about it.

I am with you on this Shell!

I am with you on this Shell! I completely understand why you got mad, and I have gotten on my DH for this too. He loves to be silly and often his humor seems to be what appeals to teenage girls because that is who he does it in front of, like my young relatives and of course SD.

It is disrespectful and if the tables were turned my DH would go ballistic over anybody giving me anything, much less a 'kiss'! You are not wrong dear and I would NOT apologize. If you have apologized I would even take it back! if that is possible lol.

I think he should deliver SD himself if that is how he feels. That is usually what changes my DH's mind, when he knows he has gone too far this time. HUGS
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

Well I tried talking to DH

Well I tried talking to DH about this again earlier and it just lead to another argument. I tried explaining why the facebook thing set me off that it reminded me of how him and SD15 have been acting the past month or so. And for him and a complete stranger to do it, just set me off. I tried to apologize for how I reacted, but not for being upset about it. I also said that if it was reversed, he would have reacted the same way. DH said that he wouldn't have reacted that way and would only have reacted that way if the guy was saying suggestive things to me. I told him, bullshit. And as far as him and SD15 saying rude and ignorant comments to me about sharing a hotel room with BM, SD15,& SD12 this Saturday.....DH says I apologized for that and told you I would stop. Ummm no he never said that last night and I told him that he didn't. I told him that if that situation was reversed, how would he feel? He replied that he would rather it be him share a room with my EX (like I'm sharing a room with his EX) than for me to do it. And I said " you are totally avoiding my question. I repeated....if you were me & I was you, and SD15 & I were making rude & ignorant comments to you about it, how would you feel? He then said " I'm sorry that it bothered you so much, I won't say anything about it anymore. And if I would have known, I would have stopped sooner." Ummmm duh.....me telling you & SD15 to stop wasn't enough of a clue that it was bothering me? Or the fact that I previously told you it bothered me wasn't enough of a clue? But anyways....I got that part resolved. But there is still the fact that he told me to leave after I drop SD15 off to BM. The only thing I can get out of him about him saying that is.....He thought that since I was so miserable that he would give me the freedom to leave. Uh that's not how I took it. I took it to mean he didn't want me here anymore. He says he does, but if he truly does then why would he frequently tell me to leave??? idk guess I should be happy that one problem got resolved.

Well it sounds like he is at

Well it sounds like he is at least seeing that was hurtful. I think my DH can be juvenile like I said and he tells me to leave pretty much daily as a joke but - is also aware it is my house, and I am not going anywhere. Men are just stupid and thoughtless sometimes. I ran him off tonight because he kept poking me during my show.

It sounds like yours is just being a bully and needs to be put in his place. Since you have told him now, he can no longer say, he doesn't know-!! so it will hopefully stop.

p.s. my girl just got cut from SYTYCD - I can't believe it
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

That's what I'm hoping will

That's what I'm hoping will happen, ME. But we shall see. Though it does bother me still a little that DH hasn't said anything to SD15 about it....like telling her to stop. But maybe if SD15 sees that DH is no longer doing it, maybe she won't. IDK? I guess what I'm really hoping for is for him to stop making me the butt of his jokes all together. But I doubt that will ever happen. But I can dream that it will. lol

Hang in there. Also I am

Hang in there.

Also I am asking my DH to specifically tell SD18 that I am his wife and he loves me. Using those exact words to her because of reading things like StepAside where the young girls don't want to see that, and the DH won't spell it out, and it goes on for years instead of DH setting it straight NOW!

Hugs honey and I hope your son is doing ok?
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

Oh HELL no. My DH and I are

Oh HELL no.

My DH and I are on FB. He only uses it for finding old classmates, colleagues and army buddies.

I have far more men on my FB than he has women.

Sometimes my men friends- only the theatre friends I've known forEVER, make innuendo comments on my FB. I laugh them off on there, to them, and REMIND them my husband is not only my best friend, he's my FB friend.

I always get an apology.

AND...

I don't have one male friend on FB that I've never met.

Oh- wait- I do. A symphony guy from my area who friended me b/c we have networking contacts. But we don't even post to each other and he's really OLD.

Your DH is in the wrong here for many things-

He is not respecting your relationship by letting another unknown woman flirt with him online.

He is not respecting your feelings, b/c he thinks your version of the facts is wrong. And that's a big no no.

I have learned that my DH is sensitive to me saying, "I feel like you don't support, nurture, etc" b/c BM used to say, "You NEVER support, defend, etc.".

Every time I voice my feelings his defense mechanisms go up. And every time they do, I calmly repeat, "I am not saying you mean to do it, or that you even ARE doing it...I am only trying to share what I am feeling about it so you understand why I react that way to it."

And every time, he then apologizes for anything he may have done to contribute to my feeling that way, and works to change it. Even the really deeply emotionally difficult conversations go this way.

I would suggest if you really want to reach him, that you not apologize for your "feelings" but how you responded to them, and ask him to please understand that you know they are feelings and not based on facts, and have everything to do with your own fears about this situation. But then make sure he knows and understands that you also feel, that as your husband, you need him to respect your feelings. And not get into games with other women you aren't mutual friends with on the internet or in real life.

HUGS.

"I'm in F#CK OFF Mode." ~ Stepmadness

I only created my FB to stay

I only created my FB to stay in contact with my family & the few friends I have here in OK, since we moved. There is only one person on my friends list that I have no clue who they are. The rest are either my family, DH's family, my friends, DH's friends, & our mutual friends.

DH's list on the other hand....there are people he has no clue who they are & most of them are women. Which he doesn't post anything to them & as far as I know, they don't post anything to him either. Unless they have and he hasn't told me. But I trust him to tell me if they did, b/c I have told him if anyone has to me.

I tried talking to DH again about this and tried my best to explain why I reacted the way I did. I told him that I felt like him & this unknown woman were "ganging up" on me like him & SD15 do about BM. I apologized for reacting the way I did, but also told him I was not sorry for how I felt. I can't control my feelings, but will try harder to control how I react to them. DH then apologized for what happened & for the things that he has said to me about BM & I sharing a hotel room together this Saturday and that he didn't realize it bothered me so bad & will not saying about it anymore. So I guess that maybe he is starting to understand & will respect how I feel about things. IDK...we shall see.

Thanks for the advice Sita Tara! (((HUGS)))

I really think he is

I really think he is disrespectful of your marriage, having women that are not mutual friends, or at least friends of his you know of on there.

I have over 400 contacts on FB, and have met in person all but a handful, most of them SMs on here. Some are from my high school class, most I've done theatre with, or know through other theatre connections, oh- yeah. And I friended a few women from America's got talent just for fun.

Eve Ensler (playwright) is a "friend" on FB but I really did meet her and worked on her events.

I don't have one man I don't know personally, other than that symphony guy and I'm not really sure why he friended me, other than he is friends with my other theatre contacts.

Why does he friend women he doesn't know in real life?

Not to stir your pot, but that just doesn't sit well with me.

I honestly don't know why he

I honestly don't know why he adds women to his friends list that he personally doesn't know or has ever met in real life. Like I said, my list is nothing but family (his & mine), friends I have met(his & mine), and our mutual friends here in OK. There is only one person on my list and this person is on DH's list to and neither of us know the guy. I don't friend anyone I haven't met or at least know. Maybe it is an ego boost for DH that he can still attract other women, IDK? Believe me, it doesn't sit well with me either. But lately I pick and choose my battles with him. I have tried to not really worry about it, but if I notice him or them start posting things to each other....then I'll worry.

look, i think everyone is

look, i think everyone is looking into this facebook thing a little too much. The real issue here is the fact you took something extremely small and stupid and used it as a gateway to ambush him on a completely different situation. If you want to correct a problem, go to the problem DIRECTLY and address it, dont use a small situation and turn it into another situation. Talk about whats really bugging you, dont lead him on a wild goose chase because then he wont know where to start!

oh I can't STAND having an

oh I can't STAND having an argument with DH and he brings up 15 other things that have NOTHING to do with what we were having the original disagreement about. It's a goose chase like you said and it's SOOOOO not productive.

My therapist used to want to smack him in the head when he would do that in therapy. She'd be like, "just get it out, when it bothers you.Resolve it and move on that way it never surfaces again."

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Thank you for agreeing with

Thank you for agreeing with me stepmadness....The 2 situations are similar in the fact that they are both being disrespectful to me, the woman DH vowed to love, honor, & cherish....not love, honor, & cherish when it suits him. And to not respect me when it suits him, but to respect me always. And when the FB thing first happened, it was my bigger issue. But then the more I thought about what had happened, made me think that it was like the same way that DH & SD15 "gang up on" me about BM. And yes there probably are other issues that caused DH to say leave after you drop SD15 off to BM for him. But honestly the only thing that I can think of is that his anger towards BM's SO for what he(BM's SO) did to SD15 is making DH take that anger out on me b/c he can't take it out on BM's SO. B/C in all honesty....I cook(have to have supper on the table when DH walks in the door from work), clean, do the laundry, take care of BS11 & SD15, make sure they get to any appointments they have, make sure homework is done, make sure all the bills get paid, deal with BM for him....I basically do everything and the only thing DH has to worry about doing is...getting himself up for work, go to work, come home from work, eat supper, and then spend the rest of the evening until bedtime on the computer. And once in a while fix things around the house, but I rarely ask him to I just do it myself. So what would give DH the right to tell me to leave, he's not the one treated as a slave in his own home & expected to do everything that everyone else needs or wants done and then disrespected. But I didn't bring any of that up to him when this all happened....I focused on what happened on FB and then what him & SD15 were doing/saying.

DH & I have had that

DH & I have had that conversation in the past, more than once actually, about me doing everything and him doing basically nothing. It helped for a while....he started helping around the house, helping with the kids(like helping with homework b/c he can't do the appointment thing b/c he works fulltime and I'm SAHM),and cooking atleast once a week. But that only lasted about a month and we're back to the way it use to be. It just seems like he either doesn't know how to or doesn't care to do it. It's like I'm fighting a losing battle in reguards to that issue. I sometimes think is it more that he doesn't care to, b/c for example....if SD15 breaks a rule, I mention to him about doing something about b/c I'm busy either cooking or doing laundry or busy doing something and he's simply doing nothing but playing games on the pc....his response "can't you handle it for a change?" If I don't reply back or say that I am to busy or that I do all the time when he isn't home, he ignores me and either lets her get away with it or waits until it's been to long to even punish her for whatever it was she did. But when it comes to BS11 (which by the way isn't DH's bio child) doing something wrong....DH is the first to spot it and punish BS11. Or another example....when I ask him to help with anything around the house (laundry, cooking, or even cleaning up after himself), I get the "your the SAHM, I work full time...it's your job to do everything around the house." I have tried numerous times to get him to help out even just a little bit, but we end up back where we started at.