Meeting with a sociopathic SD
My DH recently had an epiphany and realized that he has not been a parent all these years to SD's, but instead tried to be a friend -mainly because he was terrified of BM and of losing the love of his daughters. He has begun to set healthy boundaries with them, as well as his sister, who recently got suckered into defending SD21, aka the sociopath. SD21 wanted to come over to our house for Thanksgiving and see her sisters, but she is banned from our house due to her lack of apology for many of the disrespectful things she has done to me. So after she called her dad to ask if she could come over, and he told her no, she hit up her aunt, and told her a tall tale about how I abused her as a child.
Dh called his sister last night and set the record straight, and they made up. DH then asked if I would be willing to meet with SD and him and her new boyfriend to talk about how we can repair our relationship. I told him I have conditions:
1. We will meet in a neutral place, not our house or hers.
2. There is no reason for the boy toy to be present.
3. If this becomes a bashing Sheildmaiden session, then I'm out.
4. I want SD21 to tell me how she will change her behavior to earn my respect and trust back. If she is not able to do this, or admit that she messed up, then this will not work. ( I highly doubt SD21 can do this, as she lied about me to her ENTIRE FAMILY not 2 weeks ago and has not apologized.
5. SD will have to schedule ahead of time any holiday meals at our house, and this will be discussed with DH and me before an answer is given. (This is only if she has a major attitude adjustment and I think she will change.)
So, having said this, I am anxious about this. The only reason I agreed to this is that I want DH to be happy, and I want to show him and his family that I am not the problem, SD21 likes to spread the lie that I refuse to talk to her or negotiate - when in fact she was told to call me and apologize 6 years ago, and never did. Meanwhile she has sabotaged my relationship at every turn with her sisters.
So, am i crazy to agree to this meeting? I figure I can just walk out at any time, and it will give me a chance to say my peace. What do you think? Am I missing anything? Could this be dangerous to me or my relationship with DH?
Thanks for your suggestions.
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Comments
To be honest, I don't think
To be honest, I don't think she is going to agree to any terms or apologies.
She will find a way to spin this into her being a victim again. It is really up to your DH on whether or not he is going to keep allowing her behavior.
Been There
I attended a couple of these "meetings" early on in my marriage. I don't regret it because it showed I was trying. But after the second "failed" attempt, I gave up on meetings.
I don't see it as being dangerous to you or your marriage. Rather, it shows YOU are trying with DHs kids. I'd attend with all the boundaries you put in place (which are excellent) but with the expectation that nothing much will change. You know your SD. Admitting she is wrong, changing her behaviors...think it's possible? Will this meeting happen before Christmas (in other words, is that her intention to get to spend Christmas with you all and then revert back to old self?)
Go to the meeting with a clear mind and be prepared to walk out if she gets crazy on you. I'd have a friend on standby or have my Uber app out and ready. While we always want the best outcome in these situations, it's hard to think positive. Keep your guard up. Best to you!
No
No. One of my conditions is that it won't happen this Christmas, because we are both too worn out to deal with that after having Covid and the flu.
Wonderful!!
I'd put all of this out of mind for now....enjoy your December and however you celebrate. She's not worth stealing your joy. Sending you a virtual hug.
I would make it also clear
I would make it also clear that this is a one time only deal with a time limit. There will be no redo. This is it. If she does not follow through with what she is told is required you. are. done. forever. her reign of terror ends.
Yeah....
I like this mindset. I know I did "meetings" at least twice, maybe more. All too many. This needs to be a one-and-done.
I think this is a great idea.
I think this is a great idea. You've set your bounderies and can eaisly point out when they are being crossed.
I'd go one futher and journal about how you feel, what you hope will happen at the meeting and what you think will actually happen. It can be an eye opener for DH to read it and understand how right you are about everything.
So did SD request this
So did SD request this meeting? Or did your DH decide to do it after speaking with his sister? If she’s not calling the meeting then really I don’t think you will get anything out of this other than more of her lies and bullsh@t.
Yes and no
Yes and no. SD21 only brought up the meeting that we agreed to (supposed to happen on her say-so 6 years ago!) when she wanted to come to Thanksgiving dinner and her dad told her no. Then she said "Well if I can forgive her (FOR WHAT?) then why can't she at least meet with me!" So this was a manipulation on her part, but DH latched onto it and now he has hopes that we can give it a try.
Honestly, part of me wants to look her in the eye and call her bluff. She will say anything to get what she wants, but she won't do a darned thing.
I was proud of DH because yesterday he told his sister that "Sheildmaiden is NOT a child abuser. SD21 is not right in the head, and she does not remember things correctly." Also, he told her that "SD21 really needs to lay off the drugs." His sister went "OH, my!" I don't think dearest niece told her about her coke habit. Ha ha.
Thanks
Thanks for your support. Its been really hard this year. I told DH yesterday that I am really proud of how he is handling himself now, and how much he has grown. He thanked me for always being there for him, because no one ever helped him carry the load before. He always had to do it himself, even with his ex wife.
We agreed we are closing the door on the past. This means the SD's can't constantly bring up the old lies that SD21 spread, and they can't have a grievance every time they come over, about stuff that happened years ago that may or may not be true.
I will keep my expectations low for the meeting. Maybe she won't even show up.
Get rid of the 'think she will change' part.
(This is only if she has a major attitude adjustment and I think she will change.)
I would skinny it down to 'if her father and I invite her."
That puts it equally on daddy and ..... either of you can say no regarding the toxic spawn invading your holidays.
Keep it focused on a requirement that she change prior to the event... with a proving period that demonstrates that she has successfuly implemented the change effort. If she hasn't changed, she gets no invitation.
Period. Dot!
IMHO of course.
Boundary Establishment
always a bit nervewracking.
I would go ahead, with these conditions/boundaries in place. To show that you really did try, and it just didnt work because SD has given you nothing to work with at all.
Thats what I did a few different times...hopefully Sd will slink off into the hole she exists in.
Wow! You are brave. You are
Wow! You are brave. You are also well prepared. You have a great plan in place and if you stick to your boundaries, then all should go smoothly. I actually believe that it will, but I also know from experience (hate to be a Kill-Joy here), that if SD comes across as being agreeable and apologetic, it will probably only be temporary. I give her 6 months to a year until she's be back to her old self again.
I've been down this road before. She will make herself out to be a "vicitm" of divorce, who is suffering from Daddy Neglect. She'll say that she's frustrated because she's not being heard and she's feeling unloved...etc., etc., etc.. She will have a slew of excuses to justify her crappy behavior. Then she'll tell your DH how much she needs him in her life. Your DH will lap it all up, his heart will grow two sizes bigger for her and he'll leave the meeting feeling all warm and fuzzy about his DD... Until she pulls her next stunt.
I hope that you can prove me wrong! I hope that one year from now, you'll write a blog about how this meeting changed everything and about how the two of you are baking cookies together and braiding each other's hair. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
You are right when you said that you're doing it for your DH. This is exactly one of those things that we do for them. It's us always having to "prove" ourselves to them, so that they can see that we are doing everything possible to keep the peace. She's only 21. My YSD was 21 once. Now she is 50. Dealing with this kind of personality is exhausting work. This is a long road....
Good Luck and keep us posted.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst
You're brave to go thru with this. I hope your DH realizes what a gift your attitude is. I have to say I dont have much hope for SD entering with an open attitude. Poor SD, the traumatized victim of the divorce, etc. I"d have one more condition: this is a one and done deal.
Good luck. I think it will be
Good luck. I think it will be pretty easy for her to spin it and say that shieldmaiden has all these ridiculous demands. Hopefully your DH will stay strong and not side with her or roll his eyes about any of these things. The whole negotiation won't work if he shows any sort of weakness like that.
These conditions are just as much for your husband as for SD. He doesn't have to tell her that you stipulated it being a neutral place and she not bring her BF. It's essential that you guys are a team on this.
I think you should focus more on negotiating all this with DH since he's going to be the one enforcing it. He could easily take it as you are giving him an ultimatum but I would try to make him see that you are giving him a path forward with his daughter.
I think it would be helpful
I think it would be helpful to have a skilled step-family therapist moderate the meeting. I know of a good one if you'd like a name. Therapists that understand steps are few and far between but now a days you can do sessions over zoom which makes it easier to find a good therapist.
I would not go in insisting on an apology and promise of changed behavior. You can't control what she does, you can only find out what, if anything, she is willing to do. You can lay down your expectations but she can accept or refuse to follow them. If she refuses the consequences should be spelled out .... Such as she will not be allowed to visit your home. You and your DH need to be on the same page about how you handle the various outcomes of this meeting. If your DH is anything like mine he has a low tolerance for communication about SD's. I have gotten to the point that I don't try to help fix things ...I Just let him hash it out with SD's on his own. No desire to waste time, energy or money on a lost cause like steps.
Good luck!
Sounds so stressful. I cant imagine how stressed you must be. Well, if that was me and Feral Forger SD23, Id be through the roof with stress...