SD's blame DH for everything
Its exhausting listening to DH talk to SD 18 and SD 20 on the phone every day. Here's the kind of abuse he gets, but thank goodness he stands up for himself. Not sure why he keeps calling, though.
DH calls SD18:
DH: "Hey, your mom (BM) texted me asking me to check on you. She says you are really stressed out. Are you ok?"
SD: "*Sigh! WHY are you calling me? Your time to call me is not until X o'clock. Why can't you stop bothering me? What do you WANT?! I never get any free time and you are always bothering me!"
DH: "I only call you once a day, unless your mom lets me know you are really upset. Do you need to talk about anything? If so, I'm here for you."
SD: "I am TRYING TO SLEEP. (its 2:30 pm).
DH: "Are you having trouble sleeping at night?"
SD: "No. I just don't want to sleep because I never get any time on my phone anymore, so when I get home from work I just stay up and play on my phone all night."
DH: "OK, well, you are going to have to start managing your time better because you will be away at college next fall and you won't be able to function without sleep. Sleep is very important."
SD: "What ever. I have to go to sleep now. Bye."
**********
DH calls SD20:
DH: "Hi, what's up?"
SD: "I'm making some ramen. Did you know I just realized I was a neglected child, all throughout my childhood? Did you and mom notice or did you even care enough to notice that I was in pain?"
DH: "Oh, I noticed you were in pain, and I spent many days trying to talk with you about it. The thing you have to realize about yourself, is that when you are in pain, you shut down emotionally. Its very hard to get through to you, but I did try."
SD: "Oh, so you are blaming the victim? You are blaming ME?"
DH: "No, that's not what I said. I'm saying that if I had pushed you any harder to talk to me, you would have cut me out of your life entirely, so I had to be careful, but I did try - don't you remember all our talks about why you were so angry and upset all the time?"
SD: Well.....you still neglected me."
DH: "Well, I'm not going to go down this road with you right now. I need to call your sister. Your mom wanted me to check on her."
SD: (Mad about not being the center of attention) "Fine. Bye."
**************
It makes me physically ill to hear them talk to DH like this because he did nothing but try to figure out why they were such assholes to him. We now know it was BM, filling their heads with garbage PAS style. So happy that I don't have to see them more than twice a year anymore.
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Setup to Fail by the HCBM - A Game of Kick--Me by the Spawn
StepHell Translations
DH calls SD18
DH: "Hey, your mom (BM) texted me asking me to check on you. She says you are really stressed out. Are you ok?"
Translation: Hey, your mom (the HCBM mastermind manipulator) texted her ‘not-so-useful idiot’ me to contact you so you can abuse me. Since I’m naïve and never learned the game, she was playing, or I’m a glutton for punishment – here I am! Please kick me! Kick me hard, please!
DH: "I only call you once a day, unless your mom lets me know you are really upset. Do you need to talk about anything? If so, I'm here for you."
Translation: I haven't quite grasped that we're both adults capable of direct communication. We don't need a middleman to tell us what to do; we can handle our conversations maturely and independently.I only bother you once a day unless the HCBM mastermind manipulator tells me that I need to be kicked more often, in which case here I am. Please kick me! My ass needs your boot up my ass! Please kick me! Pleasseeeee!
DH calls SD20
DH: "Hi, what's up?"
SD: "I'm making some Ramen. Did you know I just realized I was a neglected child all throughout my childhood? Did you and Mom notice, or did you even care enough to notice that I was in pain?"
Translation: I'm soooooo tired of eating this Ramen...It's Go-Time. Now, I'm going to continue the Parental Alienation Campaign that my high-conflict biological mother started when I was a minor. Since BM isn't on the line, I'll involve her to cover up my abuse towards you covertly. First order of business: I'll play the victim card. Maybe that will soften up this fool enough to get some $$$$ from my guilty Daddy-O. I'm tired of eating this damned Ramen.
DH: "Oh, I noticed you were in pain, and I spent many days trying to talk with you about it. The thing you must realize about yourself is that when you are in pain, you shut down emotionally. It's hard to get through to you, but I tried."
SD: "Oh, so you are blaming the victim? You are blaming ME?"
Translation: Oh, shit, this is soooooo easy...bleeding heart Daddy-O doesn't have a single brain cell in his head...oh, shit, he is trying to figure me out...my guilt trip must be working....now its time to do the old D.A.V.R.O. on him - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender.
They do this
DAVRO - I'd never heard that before, but they did learn this from their BM, and employ it quite a bit. They love to use pop psychology to analyze and diagnose their dad with all kinds of diseases, just to avoid taking any responsibility for their own lives.
DH has to see that this is
DH has to see that this is all just BM manipulation. She is guilting him into pissing off the Skidults. He needs to block BM completely and take the communication with the Skidults to direct between he and them, one at a time. No more letting BM have any initiation access to anything Skid related. His daughters, he needs to own and defend that and keep BM entirely TF out of it.
The conversations with each of the Skidult failed daughters needs to be far more structured with zero tolerance for disrespect and blaming daddy for their shit and also include the facts that bare their asses and BM's ass for the manipulative woe is me crap.
Rags Advice
He did call back
He called SD18 back 8 hours later and she was still sleeping. He called her out on being rude and "treating him like garbage" and made sure she understood BM wanted him to call and check on her. She apologized. He used to let that stuff go, so I was proud that he made her own up to her bad attitude.
BM can't handle her little monsters, though all 3 are now back living at her house. (Bwahahah!) so I'm amused that she has to call DH for help. Other than that, its just gross to hear how these girls treat their dad, but that's to be expected. He is aware this is a direct result of his lack of ability to stand up to it when they were younger. He owns it.
Humor Helps
You wrote: It makes me physically ill to hear them talk to DH like this because he did nothing but try to figure out why they were such assholes to him. We now know it was BM, filling their heads with garbage PAS style. So happy that I don't have to see them more than twice a year anymore.
I understand how you feel!
Some people only learn to change after great pain...some, not so much. When the Skids disrespect my DH, I disengage to keep my respect for him alive and to let him suffer the consequences of his actions or inactions.
Some men allow the abuse because they feel they 'deserve it,' or they can't or don't want to see reality -don't want to see who their kids truly are as people...its easier for them to stick their heads in the sand and get boots up their asses.
It helps me see the humor in the situation and laugh. As long as the skids aren't kicking me...I'm at peace with how they treat their father. Why?
Because the minute I tell DH I'm tired of seeing his kids kick him repeatedly and without mercy...suddenly, he makes me out to be his villain. So, I figure that DH is a masochist, and I'm just a wet blanket preventing him from getting his ass-kicks.
Maybe your DH is a little bit of a masochist, too?
He is totally a masochist.
He is a bit of a masochist, but not as bad as he used to be. He actually called SD18 back and made her feel guilty for being such a dick earlier. BM asks him to handle their kids occasionally because she can't handle them at all. She is not able to deal with the monsters she created. Ironic, huh.
Dh wants to have a relationship with his daughters, which I support - as long as he doesn't cave in to their demands and he stands up for himself and me. I told him the "The game is on, because I am done biting my tongue now that they are adults. I will say my peace if they act stupid in my home."
Lessons
Shieldmaiden,
I'm done advocating for people who disrespect and hate me. My stepchildren are masters of passive-aggressiveness, pulling a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act with DH. In front of him, they're the friendliest and most personable people you could imagine. But behind his back, they're covertly hostile towards me.
They must think their father is a fool because he plays the fool. When I tell him how they act towards me, he doesn’t believe me. So, in my eyes, my DH is a fool.
I refuse to support any relationship with his stepchildren. One daughter is already estranged from him, and I'm not helping them manipulate their father any further. Passive-aggressive, fake people don't need my help deceiving DH—they manage that just fine on their own.
By me suffering the fools their folly, I’m no better than they are – I refuse to play-act.
Have you ever tried reframing or encouraging your DH to have a ‘toxic’ relationship with his spawn? Maybe by not playing their game, you offer your DH a rare gift – you offer him a reality check in which he can figure out up is really up and down really is down.
Last night, when DH came to the table, I mentioned to DH and SD17 why when I’m alone with her, she goes into her Miss Hyde mode, and when DH appears, she goes into her Dr. Jekyll mode. When I asked SD17 this, my DH just sat there and let me say it instead of shutting me down.
When people show you who they are – believe them the first time. My Skids have shown me who they are repeatedly - and I know they aren't the people I really want in my life and in my DH's life.
We are living parallel lives!
We are living parallel lives!
UGH GRRRR
Its painful to watch and be there while they have their meltdowns later over it.
And then we get blamed somehow of course.
Sounds like my step kids.
Sounds like my step kids. Always the victim even after a simple "hey how was your day" or any sort of ask about how things went in a situation. Like Uggggghhjj why did you ask you know I'm stressed how dare you!
Yes! Why do they always sound exhausted?
Yes, exactly., Why do SK's always sound cranky and tired, even though they do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Is it that tiring to blame your problems on everyone else?
My Child, My Child, My Chilllllldddddddd!
Clove,
DH's youngest one is almost 17 years old. One more year until adulthood. I had a disturbing conversation with DH about communication after the stepchildren reached adulthood.
Disclaimer: Before anyone comments on how my DH should realize his children are adults, what does this tell you? He continues to call his almost 17-year-old daughter "my child, my child, my child" or "the child, the child this, the child that…" when talking about or to her. However, he insists that it was only the biological mother who infantilized her. Ha! The self-deception runs deep in this one. No, my DH is very rigid in his thinking and beliefs and nothing I’ll say will change that. So, I’m only here to vent and share experiences.
Anyway, DH said that he was always keeping the BM unblocked in case his crotch droppings needed to get a hold of him. Can you see where that can lead to more and more drama in the future? First, so he’s expecting that his grown-ass adult kids won’t make an effort to keep in touch with him; he expects their mother to do it? Second, he wants to always keep the BM relevant and the gatekeeper to his kids.
I learned long ago that I can’t change him or his beliefs. I just have to adjust my behavior for survival and less drama.
He doesn't understand that soon all the stepchildren will be adults and should take responsibility for their own communication with him. Yet, this person wants the youngest one to stay with us for another two or three years, insisting, "She's just a child, a child, a child."
All the skids were emotionally immature, which I believe was due to none of the biological parents setting standards or expectations that were age-appropriate.
I'd get on that
I'd get on that "my child" crap before you end up living with a 35 year old princess pucker-my-ass.
One thing I had as my hill to die on was "Your kids are never moving back here, and they will leave as soon as humanly possible."
Sorry. I know how awful they can be. I would start hammering down DH now because it takes years to beat some sense into them. Ask me how I know. LOL.
DH loves the craziness
He just must try to fix something nobody wants fixing. Beside him. He must stop this nonsense with BM. The kids are adults, they don't need BM's texts. He must block BM texts You are the queen. Him taking text from BM for adult SK IS disrespectful to you.
'Being disrecpted is why you are upset
I am the queen
I am the queen. Trust me. DH and I have come a long way on this. He refuses to talk to BM on the phone. Texts are for emergencies only and texts are saved for the attorney, if needed. BM is not allowed in our home. BM does not have access to my number, or my social media.
The SD's have mental illness that is undiagnosed/misdiagnosed, but she refuses help. DH is the best at talking the kids off a ledge - so he gets a text every 6 months when BM thinks SD's are suicidal. I agree that BM should have them committed for evaluation. This has been done for SD20, but amounted to nothing as SD lied to the therapist.
So, here we are trying to keep them alive but out of our home. So far so good.