SD's getting on my nerves

I am staying disengaged, but my SD's are really getting on my nerves this week. SD18 is not cleaning up her dishes, pots n pans, etc. She and her sister, SD16 love to constantly try to tell me how our house should look, where furniture should go, where I should keep on the kitchen counter vs in the pantry. They nitpick every little thing about my cat, saying that she needs her nails trimmed EVERY time they come over, or suggest giving her a bath. This is because they want to do these things because they are bored, and my cat is just a "plaything" for them. Then they like to gloat and make me feel like am neglecting my cat. Funny tho, no one ever volunteers to clean the litterboxes, clean up any kitty puke, or vacume the cat hair off the carpet.. I do that every weekend while they lay on their asses. I told DH to please tell them to NOT TOUCH my cat. This means no chasing her down to hold her, no giving her any flea medicine, no baths, and no nail trimming. That is MY job and they could harm the cat by doing this too much, since I am already giving her flea meds and trimming her nails, and she only needs baths once in a while. My cat hides from the skids most days anyways.

Then, the other night, my DH got up at 3:30 am because he couldn't sleep. He went into the SD's rooms to check on them. SD16 was gone, but her car was in the driveway. He got worried and called her phone. She said SD20 (who is not allowed in our home) stopped by and picked her up and took her to SD20;s apartment, which is filthy, so SD16 could "clean." (SD has 9 cats, and a raging coke snorting habit. Her apartment is so filthy, no one will visit. DH explained that this is not her job, and SD16 said she "didn't mind, because SD20's apartment is so dirty. DH told her to make sure she lets someone know where she is going.

Oh my gawd. Really? So not only is SD20 showing up at my house ( and likely being invited inside by her sisters at 330 am while I am asleep.) SD 20's flea-ridden apartment is being cleaned by SD16, who then comes home and sits on my couch and pets my cat. I am a little grossed out by that, and feel a bit creeped out by SD20 sneaking around my house while I am asleep. SD20 and I don't get along, due to SD20 being a sociopath.

I guess its time for a camera inside the house. What would you do? I am so irritated about the skids forcing my cat to sit still while they hack away at her poor claws.

SD's
pets

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Time to get a few cameras

SD 16 should not be leaving the house at 3 AM for any reason. You think she is home sleeping and she is out. Did DH deal with this ?
Being disengage, doesn't mean they can do whatever they want at 16. She should be punished for leaving the home. DH must give his DD jobs in the home. As clean your room. Clean after yourself, do your laundry. If you used the kitchen, clean up after you used it.

EGADS

Cant she stay in her room like a normal teen?

Get Ring, so you are automatically alerted when someone comes in or goes out your doors.

Ditto

Ditto. I have been saying this to DH for years. Give them chores, Set rules and expectations, but no. DH doesn't want to traumatize them, so now DH is dealing with the consequences of this. I am disengaging from the parenting, but I will still them to leave my cat alone. I didn't find this out until after we were in bed. SD's don't awake until noon or 1 pm, so, I only see them at night.

Traumatize them? Oh my God.

No kidding.

I work with people with real trauma. Never heard them say it was from doing chores and cleaning up after themselves. I bet many would have craved a normal childhood with chores.

OMG!!! CHORES DO NOT LEAD TO

OMG!!! CHORES DO NOT LEAD TO TRAUMA!! I just can't anymore with this man child. And I'm not even married to him.

took my key back

I got up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes from the SD's. They had made so much Mac N Cheese and cookie dough this week that they went through several pounds of butter. When I went to replace the butter in the butter dish, it was all gone. Blech. DH offered to make them a nice dinner several times, but they both ignored him, which I thought was rude. I guess they ended up eating junk all night long.

DH never talked to SD16 again about not letting SD20 into our house while we are sleeping, so being disengaged, I didn't get mad. I simply took back her key to my house. She can earn it back through trustworthy behavior. Tired of arguing. I also think I will hide the baking supplies before they come over next time. That way they can't make such a huge mess. I let DH clean it up, since he refuses to make them do it.

Good, you let DH do all the

Good, you let DH do all the clean up. AND now, the shopping for grocery replacement if the SDs use all of it. Don't get more even if you want to.

I can't believe how similar your experience is to mine.

For the cat, my SDs were pretty good. However YSD had a troublesome friend for a while that would not leave them alone. I had to be vigilant sometimes when she was on a mission to "play" with the cats. And yes, they did get yelled at and very much put in their place. Protect your cat, no questions.

Chore excuses here: it's too hard, they are just kids, don't make it more difficult than it already is...