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How do you deal with BM or skids comparisons while pregnant or trying to get pregnant?

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 1:49pm

DH and I are currently trying to get pregnant and last night he compared me to BM and our 'imaginary child' to sKids more than once, I instantly got annoyed.

I am not BM and our child(ren) will not be sKids!

If have have to hear how BM got pregnant right away I am going to choke him. I snapped once and asked him if he was sure that BM wasn't already pregnant by some one else when they 'started trying'? We have been trying for 6 months and I know that it can take time especially when coming off Birth control but I just hate hearing about BM.

Then we got on the topic of birth plans - because I like to dream I guess. Now for the record I think every pregnancy is different and it's really up to the mother to decide how she wants to do it and what feel right to her. So I am in no way saying my ideas are correct or the only way to do it.

Our hospital offers 'alternative' methods of delivery, which include water birth. Water birth is something I would like to look into as an option because it appeals to me. DH shot it down and started freaking out about the baby drowning. He went on to explain how BM had both a normal birth(ss7) and a c-section (SS5). He wants me to just get a c-section because as he put it his kids have big heads (and BM tore with ss7).

But it's not going to be like it was with sKids. This baby could have my size head and I am not BM so maybe I won't tear. grrrr.

SO I am doing a ton of online research today on the pros and cons or water birth and 'normal' birth. I am also looking into 'natural birth' because I don't want to use drugs - it's a control thing. Since it will be my first I want to whole experience as painful as that will be at least I won't know until it happens Smile

I was just wondering if anyone had advice for dealing with the side by side comparisons. I know that he knows I am not BM.

I also hate that he thinks sKids or the definition of normal. I tend to think that are immature and lazy, I think I would 'beat' my child if they act like skids. lol

Comments

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:07pm

My brother told me once - referring to his own spouse - they may not be very bright but they mean well. I can handle a lot of stupidity if it well intended.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:09pm

Well that is why I am researching it today to see if he is right so far he is not. It's not like you hold it under water, you lift it out as quickly as you can and technically it's already 'in water' in the whom and has been for 9 months.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:10pm

My SO in a fit of anger told me his borderline stalker psycho bitch ex ( not BM) was better with SS16 than I was. SO always resorts to letting me know what a sucky stepmom I am when we argue.

He also says I'm most like his late wife, (also not BM) she was the sane one, the good one.

So I finally told him, I don't want him ever again comparing me to any of his wives (I like rubbing it in that he's been married a lot). I don't think he's done this in a while.

I'd recommend forbidding DH to ever compare you or your kids with anyone else. It's a low blow and it's also quite arrogant of him.

I agree with another poster, are you sure you want to have kids with him?

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:07pm

Sorry, OP, I missed the part of your title about being pregnant. My post isn't as relevant here.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:36pm

DH tried this a couple of times. I felt like I was bigger than a house and he decided it was a good time to tell me that BM barely even showed at all and you couldn't tell she was pregnant. I almost killed him. He got the hint!

The worst part was when the baby was born. SD was 11 and all she wanted to do was talk about when she was a baby and what her mommy did for her (which was nothing)then she kept comparing the things I did for my baby with what her BM did with her other two young children (Not DH's kids)It got to the point that DH had to tell her she is not allowed to talk about it anymore. She tried a few more times and he shut her down!

Then she was still so threatened by the new baby that she started talking about how much daddy loves her mommy and this is where they got married and this is the house he bought her and this is where we used to eat dinner. Most of it was lies, they got divorced when she was 2. BM was at a bar every night. She was never with her mother. Then DH got custody.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:53pm

Oh I can't wait for the weight comments. I expect to gain weight while pregnant but I am also more active and eat better than BM did/does. I also plan to TRY to lose most of it after wards which BM did with the first but not the 2nd.

My oldest SS will be at least 8 if not 9 by the time we would have a baby. So i could see him talking a lot about his mom to me. He also saw his mom mother his younger brother. But I think most of what he says is made up, he just wants to start or join conversations so it could get really interesting and I am sure DH will have to tell him to knock it off. As i said I want to try some things that I thanks to DH have been informed that BM didn't do, like cloth diapering and breast feeding.

Just the other day I was siting in the chair with my cat - whom I baby. I was checking her teeth with SS5's help and I asked the cat. "Does mommy need to buy you a tooth brush?" SS7 didn't even look at me but blurted out that I was not their mommy. I was their step-mom. I told him that I was talking to the cat and that I am her 'mommy' and that is what she knows me as. I hold DH about it mainly because I know why we have a baby it will be the same issue. When talking to or about 'baby' I will be MOM, not 'SisterNeko'.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:02pm

The best part of my pregnancy was going to SD's and DD's dance recital. It was about 10 days before my due date. I was so swollen and it was hot out. BM actually showed up which we were shocked then had the nerve to talk about my swollen feet in front of everybody. Meanwhile she is standing there looking like a beached whale!

SD would purposely talk about BM knowing that I did not like it. She was doing it to be a bitch. Oh mommy had the same car seat for me, oh mommy and daddy used to give me a bath together (lie)mommy and daddy used to do this or that. Finally DH overheard her and flipped out because it was all lies!!

Our BD4 is so confused in this house. DD11 has a different daddy, SD16 has a different mommy, DD calls DH by his name, SD calls me by my name. Then BD4 met DD's dad and stepmom and thought that was her real mommy. Ugh!

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:37pm

I am ready for BM to make comments. She hates the fact that I am tiny and she isn't any more. I know she will think that it will change once I have a baby but no everyone that has a kid ends up fat, my mom didn't and neither did my sister. It's more about being active and what you eat. When you just have fast food and pizza every night it hard to be thin.

I don' think SS it evil like that, he is just clueless. He thinks just because he loves BM that everyone else does too. I have never been impressed with her Smile And he lies like crazy just like BM, he will say anything to feel included.

SS5 is already confused so I know baby will be. BM makes SKids call her hubby 'dad' but she has very carefully explained to them that they are NOT to call me 'mom' - I would really like to ask SS7 why that is but any way. Smile SO the other day DH went to pick them up and she said to them "Your dad is here", SS5 came out and said "that's not 'hubby' that's dad." And then other day DH was clearing out drive way with his work truck and SS5 asked who it was and I said "it's your dad." SS5 replied, "It's 'hubby'?" I just shook my head and said no "it's dad"

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:05pm

@ I'mjustthemaid. Why do men say and do such stupid things when they're about to have a baby?

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:09pm

Seriously when he made the comment about her not looking pregnant I wanted to punch him in the face and I am not like that normally!! I am as big as a house and hormonal. What makes you think I want to talk about BM and her body??? He was so oblivious to the fact it might piss me off too!!

And BM and her feet comment!! I wanted to punch her in the face too!!

Then after I had the baby, BM comes to the house to get Sd and keeps saying how the baby looks nothing like DH. Oh I know what she was getting at and I wanted to tell her I am not the town whore, that would be you BM!!!

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:41pm

I don' think there is a judge that would have convicted you for hitting either one of them. lol

I actually don't want BM to see the baby. comments like that are probably why. Is that wrong? I don't even really let her in my house any more, drop offs happen at the curb (at our house) or her door step at her house with DH going out alone.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 4:09pm

I didn't want BM anywhere near my baby!! She never had any interest in seeing SD until DH married me. So when BD was born, BM was around alot! She tried many times to get her hands on my baby. We would be outside alot and she would pull up and get out of the car to see the baby! Meanwhile this is a woman who hates her own kids, lost custody of SD to DH. Why an interest in my baby???

Then one day her mother was watching all the kids for us (long story I might have a blog about BM's mother) and I pull up to the house and there is BM with my baby in her arms!!! Lets just say I never let her mother watch my baby after that.

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:01pm

Water births are perfectly safe..the baby won't breath until it hits the air.

I labored in the water for my first....it was great. I had to give birth on the bed though. Second was an induction so no water during labor, I hated it. Def try the water if you can.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:43pm

thanks, I have heard goo thing about it and I know DH is nervous which I why I want to explain how it works to him. Especially trying to go all natural with the birth the water would have relaxing properties.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:44pm

I think he feel like - I have done this before so that makes me the expert. But really he isn't an expert. It's not that same and I don't think he gets that.

sasha101's picture

Submitted by sasha101 on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:37pm

I cannot imagine water births being an option if there was any chance they could be dangerous. It's your body and it's up to you how you deal with pregnancy and giving birth. Nothing wrong with discussing things together, but he should respect your choices as it's you that's going through it, not him, and if he's got any worries surely he could go along to your medical appointments and talk to the professionals. As for him making comments and comparisons to bm, you need to tell him firmly that you don't appreciate it, you're not bm and you will do things your own way. Your pregnancy and baby is unique and special to you, you don't need constant reminders that he's enjoyed previous baby making/pregnancy/birth experiences with another woman - the skids and bm's presence is enough without him reminding you all the time! Men are so stupid and insensitive sometimes and they need you to spell things out to them before they get the message.

Good luck with conceiving.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 4:10pm

Yeah, I'm sure a hospital would even OFFER a water birth if there was any way it was dangerous. Like they don't have ENOUGH malpractice suits to deal with!

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 5:29pm

When I got pregnant with my first, I told DH straight up, there are four words you are NEVER allowed to start a sentence with and they are, "When BM was pregnant...." I don't give a SHIT what her pregnancy, birth, postpartum, child revering, etc was like, it had NOTHING to do with me and I was not AT ALL interested in any of those anecdotes. Period!

He was good, those words were never uttered.

The BM had a strange fascination with my kids too. Once when we picked up the SKs the BM practically crawled in my car thru the window to look at my DD when she was a newborn. And of course the first thing she says is, "I heard she looks just like SD." Um, yeah, SD looks like her DAD (she didnt look JUST like her, but they did look alike). And once at a cheer event for SD my son, who was 2 at the time was being a little unruly and the BM says, "oh do you want me to take him? I can watch him for you." Um, no, I don't hand my kid over to COMPLETE STRANGERS (DS didn't know her) and he wouldn't have gone with her anyway! Crazy bitch!

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 5:31pm

Here is how to really get your point across:

1. If it is your DH with the comparisons say "interesting...when my ex and I were talking about having kids..." PS that is ALL you will have to say...when you see him become pissed off or cringe, you can say "good, I don't want to hear about your freaking ex either..."

2. ILs? Ah, yes, this happened to me...

To crappy mil I said "so how was it that you and DHs father did this?" Ps she is divorced from dh's father, still hates him after 40yrs and her
husband cringes if the name is mentioned...she stopped the bs quick

If ILs or anyone comparing the kids? Ah, yes, ahole BIL and SIL told me they hoped it would look like skid...I told them "we'll, I sure hope
not cause skid looks like BM in all these ways and honestly, it is pretty disgusting...

Shuts everyone up.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 5:31pm

Here is how to really get your point across:

1. If it is your DH with the comparisons say "interesting...when my ex and I were talking about having kids..." PS that is ALL you will have to say...when you see him become pissed off or cringe, you can say "good, I don't want to hear about your freaking ex either..."

2. ILs? Ah, yes, this happened to me...

To crappy mil I said "so how was it that you and DHs father did this?" Ps she is divorced from dh's father, still hates him after 40yrs and her
husband cringes if the name is mentioned...she stopped the bs quick

If ILs or anyone comparing the kids? Ah, yes, ahole BIL and SIL told me they hoped it would look like skid...I told them "we'll, I sure hope
not cause skid looks like BM in all these ways and honestly, it is pretty disgusting...

Shuts everyone up.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 11:37pm

When you are pregnant you have permission to scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE" to anyone making stupid comments. Doesn't matter who it is.