Finally getting somewhere
I had a slight epiphany. I know I'm not done feeling like sh*t yet, so we'll just say it's slight.
I am not really grieving my relationship with my H.
I am grieving the lost dreams I thought we shared yes...the man I thought I married yes...the love I thought we shared yes...
but not the actually relationship as it existed for at least the past year. Because he started to pull away around the time he hired the OW last May. So he wasn't "here" for at least that long. We disconnected and it was always me trying hardest to reconnect. SD was a distraction from the bigger problem so I didn't see this coming at all.
So I'm not mourning our relationship as it was for some time.
What I am really truly MOURNING fully, is the loss of the dream of a nuclear family for BD4.
That's where I'm stuck.
Obviously, my H isn't the love of my life that I thought he was or he wouldn't have cheated on me, or if he did, he would have felt remorse and shown accountability for his actions. He would have sacrificed this new relationship for the greater good of the rest of our family.
The love of my life will be such a person.
So last night I realized what I was truly mourning was what BD4 is losing. The safety and security that comes with seeing her parents love each other. That's what she's telling me with her questions-why don't you want to be married anymore? why don't you want to talk anymore? do you miss daddy?
etc etc etc...
when all this first came out she used to constantly tell my H, "I love mommy..." and wait for what had traditionally be his response of "I love your mommy too."
She misses that. Even at such a young age she loved that we loved each other.
That's what no other relationship I will ever have will be able to give her. Her parents loving each other.
And that is what I'm mourning and grieving most of all. That's what keeps me stuck hoping he'll change his mind and see the light and want to fix our marriage.
And with that knowledge...
I feel I can start to let go of him.
Because it's not enough for us to stick together for her if he doesn't love me. She still wouldn't see her parents love each other anyway.
My sister's 2nd husband is a fabulous man. Not perfect of course. But loving and dedicated. Strong but vulnerable to her. And he and my youngest niece have an incredible father daughter bond. He struggled when she became an independent teenager, but they are super close.
I know I can one day find such a man to love me, and to be an incredible father figure to my daughter. I know he will not feel the need to interfere with or replace her BF. I know this b/c overall, the best step relationships I have ever seen, seem to be with SF/SD. I don't know why, but the same gender relationships seem harder, and SM/SD hardest of all to balance.
My sons will see someone treat me well one day, and they will have a greater appreciation for them because of this experience.
Still sad...
but starting to let go.
I will know and find love again. I know I will.
And hopefully, I will then show my daughter what it means to be loved and cherished by the love of my life, whoever that love may be. So someday she will look for and recognize such a man for herself.
Thanks for all the support. I'm off for a bit to start rebuilding my life. Looking to volunteer my time til I find a job so that I have something bigger than my own problems to focus on. I do believe that nothing gives you more gratitude for life than serving others in need.
So that's where I'll start.
Thanks as always, for "listening."
- Sita Tara's blog
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Comments
This is a wonderful
This is a wonderful breakthrough for you, Sita. I'm happy and sad for you at the same time. It sounds like you're able to put things into perspective for your own well-being. Now the next step will be to realize that this experience will help your BD grow into the person she's meant to be. I truly believe that we choose these major life experiences on some level, in order to learn what we came here to learn. She'll take what she needs from this and grow the way she needs to.
Many good wishes to you!
I think one of the most
I think one of the most important things that may come of this, is to show your daughter how a woman SHOULD be treated. The examples we set with ourselves and our relationships are so important in shaping the way our children view and value themselves.
When you do find the love of your life, the one that treats you with the utmost respect and love, your daughter will see that. She will see that you were strong enough to let go of an unhealthy love, and find someone who didn't make you settle for less.
It may not seem so now, but this is a very, very important thing you are instilling in your daughter. To never settle for less than what she deserves, and to have the courage and strength to move on if the situation isn't healthy.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
that's just awesome Sita,
that's just awesome Sita, you really making progress!
it's hard to finally let go of who we thought we were going to be, and allowing ourselves to be who we were meant to be.
I had a hard time explaining to other's how I didn't miss my Ex, I missed the life I had planned for us and our son. The death of a dream is just as big of an impact as the death of the relationship.
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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young
So proud of you!
So proud of you!
Thanks everyone... it is
Thanks everyone...
it is still grief none the less.
Very sad days still to come I'm sure.
Miles to go before I sleep.
Don't douse it with doubt,
Don't douse it with doubt, MamaSita.
I have had an onslaught of epiphanies in therapy. Why I act and do a lot of what I do. I'm learning to forgive myself of the twisted thinking of a young girl who just didn't know any better. Stop being so gosh darned hard on myself and direct the anger where it belongs... and then learn to release it.
I like that you see this as a grief process. I wish nothing more for you then to stop feeling the injustice. For you. For your precious little one.
It's a long hard road, I know. I know that you are equipped with tools and most importantly a mind that is wide open.
Wisdom comes from listening, MamaSita. You are a teacher when you talk and a student when you listen... I know that in that you will find all your answers.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Reading your post gave me
Reading your post gave me goosebumps. I can imagine how you're feeling, even if I haven't gone through it in real life, because I've gone through it in my mind. I have an incredibly vivid imagination that I sometimes let run away with me. I can imagine how challenging it is to look at this little girl who looks up to you SO much and realize that you've changed her world so significantly. Not that you personally are responsible for it, but that you married this man who turned out to be not what/who you thought he was and now you must deal with the repercussions. But more importantly, your little girl must deal with this as well, and in a completely different (more emotional?) way. We can apply logic, but a 4-year-old just cannot. She has to rely on emotion alone, which must be so very hard for her.
***GRINS*** This is a great
***GRINS*** This is a great start! You are still in my prayers, and BD4 as well! mmmuuuaaahhhh!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
This is wonderful to hear
This is wonderful to hear
Like thewife said, u and the love of ur life will show he what a loving, healthy relationship should be. Yes, sad that it can't be her biological parents, but it will be her mother and stepfather nonetheless.
I grew up w/o a dad, and it didn't take me long to realize the awful 'person' my father is. It also didn't take long to realize that my mom was far better off w/o him. I grew up seeing my grandparents together, but I wouldn't say that is a relationship I look to emulate. Maybe in some ways. But the bottom line is I still learned the type of man and marriage I wanted, a partnership. And I'm so very lucky to have it
And so will bd...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin