I understand your grief. most of what you wrote, i could have written myself (except i have no biokids)

((HUGS))

In comparison to some of the stories I've read here, including yours, what I grieve for seems so tiny in comparison.

I grieve for a few things--the person I used to be when faced with adversity or fear, the laughing, smiling, courageous person who didn't feel the need to always be on high alert for what BM could or could not do. This fear has diminished somewhat, since DH has kind of taken charge over protecting us.

I grieve for the perfect family--for not being able to help my child hold onto the idea that you only have marry and have kids with the person you love (my husband grieves for this as well), to not have to worry about CS when taking into account our finances, for what would have been an otherwise perfect marriage.

But I also know that due to what BM did, DH is who he is to me today--he would not be this protective, this cherishing, this loving to me (as evidenced by how calloused he treated former girlfriends before me) had it not been for what he went through. So, I guess, for the small price of changing a few of my ideals, I got a husband most people dream they could have. For that, I'm thankful.

I grieve for similar reasons to you all. Then I think 'if wishes were horses then beggars would ride' right? SKids here came of age, things are a different kind of bad...if that makes sense? They are not in my face now, they are still sneaky behind my back though...and disrespectful.
I grieve for DH that his relationship with his kids is not what it could be, I grieve that I got the blame for so long!
I have to put it all behind me though, DH and I love each other and do plan on staying together regardless of SKids bullcrap. SD said recently 'I have to accept that you are not going anywhere any time soon then?' No shit! That girl still tries to get her parents together...even at age 19? DH put her out the house not long after Christmas because she kept the car out (she was on an errand that would take an hour at the most) for over three hours and she came back glassy eyed and full of sass. Her twin brother is skating on thin ice lately here too. I feel for DH but if he was not such a defensive/Disney daddy then his daughter would not be a hoe (she advertises herself online for $100 a time)and his son might be paying his way. If it doesn't kill us it makes us stronger...right?

I pretty much agree with what most if you said. I don't want my exH back but sometimes I think "that was so much easier". But the past always looks better than it was and the preset worse than it is. I wouldn't regret any of his children. I regret that he so stupidly believed BM when she said "Dr said I can't get pregnant. It's fine". Maybe he could have kids on his own time. I Grieve. Good post.

I have the same situation with the grief over the not knowing what it's like to have a baby with someone. I was a single mother. I always wanted to have at least that one moment when we look into the crib together and smile at our creation. He has too many kids, now I am too old... It just makes me sad. And I resent that the evil BM got to have that with him and never appreciated what a good dad he is.

I feel for you honey. I grieve not having my daughter with me full time. I've missed out on so much of her life already and continue missing important milestones like birthdays and school dances. Helping her pick her classes for the next semester over the phone just isn't the same as if I were right there.

My mistakes caused her to leave and now even though she wants to come back to me, my ex won't allow it. He has the "better" home environment according to the courts (owns his own home near family and her school, never moved around like I did). Unless he really got tired of her and could see himself giving up the child support I pay every month, I'm not going to have her living with me anytime before she graduates in 2016.

She'll be 15 next Friday. I'll miss that too. I already sent her check since she wanted to buy a friend's ipod touch (the last one I bought her died) and he needed the money right away. I'll likely send her some of her favorite chocolates for Valentine's day.

I'm teaching her how to drive. Every time she comes out to Colorado, she begs to drive my Lola (my Explorer) so we go down to a safe area and I let her take the wheel. She calls ME when she has problems, she won't go to her dad or dad's girlfriend. She and I have a miraculously close relationship despite living 1300+ miles away for most of the year.

Ok, bawling now...gotta stop!

I found your post very moving. I suppose you would say I have had all the things you yearn for - I married my first true love, we had two children together, and were very happy for 10 years or so. Then things began to crumble - 4 close relatives of my exH died in the space of a couple of years, including his mother and father, and he had a breakdown, he lost his job and we lost our home. Things were never the same after that, although I stayed with him until my youngest was 18.

Life happens to us, we do not have very much control over it, despite our illusion of being in charge of our destiny - we are just along for the ride. I am now married to a wonderful man that I met 11 years ago. His daughters and his ex wife are a nightmare. I can't begin to imagine life without him. These conflicts are part of what it is to be human. Joy and terrible pain and loss. We live and we learn. Hugs to you.