I was wondring when this was going to happen to me...
it has finally happened to me. What most of you guys talk about...how the ex thinks everything is my fault. my boyfriend made his son wear a pullup to preschool the other day because he keeps wetting his pants in school. It was an idea we found on a parenting board and other mom's had tried it and so he tried it. We sent a note along with him to his teacher stating why he had to wear one that day and it seemed to work. She called today and started chewing him out saying, "I don't think he enjoyed that too much! And I don't agree with it!" Well DUH! I'm sure any kid wouldn't enjoy that but it's something I learned in Love and Logic also...like when your child doesn't want to wake up for school and you take them to school in their pj's and they have to get dressed at school. Of course you send a note along explaining why you did this but I think it's a good lesson.
Now onto the blame game...apparently SS is going to his mom's and telling all kinds of stories about me. About how mean I am...oh god, I'm strict, so in other words I'm mean...my own child says this to me too when she's trying to be manipulative..it's like a little guilt trip.. I'm being mean cause they can't have what they want. So...BF has decided that if she wants SS she can have him...we're moving out of state anyway and she defiantely won't let him come with us so that's that I'm sure...
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If I knew then what I know now...
I would have decided the same thing, or encouraged my dh to do the same thing. It sounds horribly mean, but if you look at the long term approach, manipulative people NEVER change, and unfortunately you don't just have a manipulative person, you also have an insecure and immature bm, compound those two characteristics and you have problems until skids are adults.
My dh decided to let bm have ss to herself, that is what she wanted...she wants to make all the decisions w/o consulting anyone, but put the tab on dh's lap. Meanwhile, she has a highly ill mannered child, that is a pathelogical liar, highly manipulative, and loves drama.
It's sad that a child can't have both parents involved, and it crushes my heart to even think that your bf won't be there to really show his love to his son, but I think more than likely by doing this you will save a lot of sanity, and trouble for ss. I truly truly believe that the more we put into ss, the harder we tried to be there for him, the more she underminded us, the more she backstabbed us, and it just hurts the kids. I really believe that since we haven't been pushing the issue of seeing ss on regular visits, that it has to be less stress for him b/c he isn't faced with the interrogation when he gets back, and he isn't reminded how he is suppose to hate us.
I'm so sorry for your ss, he is so young, and he so deserves both parents to love and support him. I'm very sad for him, but I understand why you need to make this decision.
Good luck to your family,
Candice
thank you :)
I don't like the decision myself either. The little guy drives me up a wall most of the time but I don't want anyone to get the impression we're pushing him away. I would like for my BF to have him full time I think it would be better for him in the long run but I also believe that BF, me, and my daughter don't deserve this drama that goes along with e-wife and SS...I am torn between what is the right decision but it's his child and his life and I will support him with whatever decision he makes.
Hi
It sounds like you have good instincts on taking care of your kids and could really help your ss. Maybe like our BM, once you leave him alone for a little while she will miss not having you to blame things on, and will be more cooperative about working with you.
Most Evil
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
thank you :)
for the compliment...I do my best when it comes to my daughter..
That is a really good point
if you let bm have her way, often times, they realize that isn't what they wanted in the first place. I know 33 days after we sent ss to live with his mother again, she was calling us to take him back. About every 6 months she calls bitching and complaining how she can't stand her own kid and really wants us to take him.
I think this is such a good point, so don't stress and feel like you are abandoning the poor kid, let bm have her way for a while, and see if she starts calling you to take him.
You should be really proud and supportive to your bf right now. By letting bm just have ss, and eliminating the drama and chaos from your life, your bf is demonstrating that he will do anything to protect the relationship he has with you. This is so important. When we first sent ss to live with bm, I was really angry and mad at dh, but someone pointed out to me what he was really doing, and not to beat up on him. This is such a tough decision, so make sure that you vocalize your support for him.
Good luck,
Candice
Actually..
I told him that last night..I told him to let her have him and I bet you any money she'll be calling us to do 50/50 again...BUT we won't do it...we're sick of the drama and being blamed for everything that goes wrong with this kid. she's just manipulating..last night she sent him a text saying "If you hate me so bad give me SS and you'll never have to see us again and you and sixxnguns can start your own family." Can you say guilt trip?? She's playing the victim and neither of us are falling for it. Thanks for all your good advice Candice
Just tonight
at dinner SS tried to imply that I was making him eat food that he didn't like and he got all teary eyed. I told him that I was not MAKING him do anything, that he was making a choice. He could choose to eat dinner and have a full belly and not be hungry later, or he could choose to throw his uneaten dinner in the garbage and be hungry for the rest of the night. After a few minutes thinking about it, he decided to choose to eat his dinner.
I definitely don't want to get them started blaming me for making them do things...
I really
could care less if he's going back and "tattling" he's always been over privelaged by everyone in his family and now that me and my daughter have come along the rules at his dad's have changed a bit since I don't let my child run the house. We pay the bills so neither of them will run anything around here. We have started doing the same thing because he pulled the same little act...he only ate Ramen Noodles when I first came along and told BF that he can't keep letting his son run the house and he needs to start trying new foods. He would sit and bawl and cry, it took him two days to eat a bowl of ravioli...and now finally he eats what is cooked for dinner. Kudos to you on making a stand though...at least he ate it!