I'm last on the list
Within the past 12 hours, I realize I'm dead last on my DH's list of priorities. He works third shift and while he is at work, the SD9 like to sleep in the same bed. I don't like this for a couple of reasons, one, they have separate rooms to sleep in and I feel they should take advantage of it since they are in hotel rooms while on their mom's time. Also, they laugh and giggle all night and I need to get to sleep as I have work in the morning.
SD9 decided to whisper to dad and ask if her and her sister can sleep in the same bed, I hear him say, "yes, you can sleep there, you aren't hurting anyone" I said, "No, I don't want them sleeping together" He said, "I said YES!"
Then he left for work. We then had an all night texting session where I said, if I have no say with your kids, then keep out of my business with my kids, that led to, "I will keep away with my kids all the time, and you can be with your kids"
This is after weeks of getting along. Going on a family vacation and me paying for a large dining room set and cooking home cooked meals for over a week (this isn't my usual, but I was trying). I pointed all this out to him and he said, "then don't do it"
He came home from work and we started talking and I cried, he said, "I'm done with arguing with you, done talking" He's so cold, he can turn off emotions on a dime. I guess I'm just ranting, but I truly feel used. He is going to first shift in a week and I feel like now that he doesn't need me here at night, I'm disposable.
By the way, I paid for that vacation and I just asked him for reimbursement. I know this is all over the place, but I'm upset
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He said,'Don't do it.' I
He said,'Don't do it.' I think he feels threatened in his role of provider for these kids- he's clearly working hard but you are buying stuff, and also paid for the vacation. He doesn't need you there at night? Then don't be there- he can only work if you have the kids- is he paying you for your services? You haven't included info about your living arrangements or how long you have been together, but I would start by not buying stuff for them and treat yourself. Also when my grandskids used to stay here I used to tell them I was the boss, not their grandad and they tended to do as they were told as he was pretty ineffective. When he's out at work- just lay the law down and stop being so nice.
We have been together 8 years
We have been together 8 years and married a year and a half. The comment, "then Don't do it" really pissed me off because I do all this stuff and he clearly doesn't care or appreciate it.
We own a house together and he pays the mortgage. I pay for food and utilities (and lots of other stuff). He will sit there no matter what is going on and wait to see it I pay (restaurants, etc). I don't want the argument, so I usually just pay (we make the same amount). Before we bought this house, I lived in his house for 4 years and religiously paid him $700 per month for "rent" Who the F charges their fiance rent, but I paid it (like an IDIOT)
I don't think the financial
I don't think the financial arrangements are the issue here then- he 'charged' you rent. I would have said I was helping pay my way with the mortgage. He waits for you to pay because you do it. He sounds insecure about supporting the family, you sound resentful of having to pay for stuff. You don't say how much of his money he spends on himself, but I don't think anyone would see you as an idiot. You earn about the same- which is great, but maybe he wishes he earned more.
Have you thought about changing the arrangements- you pay the mortgage and he pays for all the other things? Or do you prefer to pay for them and are just wanting some recognition for your status from him?
Don't expect any appreciation- DH would love to be able to do the things you are doing, but he can't because he pays the mortgage. If something I do isn't appreciated I stop doing it, or do it because I choose to and enjoy doing it. The appreciation thing? Just keep appreciating yourself, but don't use it as a weapon to beat him with.
I think I'm going to suggest
I think I'm going to suggest we split the mortgage and everything else, every bill, every grocery bill. This is what I do with my ex in relation to my kids (I have 50/50 no CS) so I'm used to splitting bills.
I do like to be appreciated (not that I ever am), but I can't make DH appreciate anything. To be honest, he's so jaded by his ex wife taking advantage of him, that he can't get out of defense mode ever.
That sounds like more hard
That sounds like more hard work- do you have a joint account? We have one for bills DH earns much more than me so I have a separate account I just use for myself. I never get treated to anything either- not even on my recent birthday (although he did pay for the meal).I just buy my own treats! I even buy my own Christmas presents- at least I know I'll get what I like lol!
Sounds like you both need a treat- can't you get away for a night or just have a date night at the movies? Sometimes these little things make a difference...
We have nothing intermingled.
We have nothing intermingled. No accounts together, no financial planning, nothing. I could literally back up my stuff and leave and it would not affect him or me financially. We are not even beneficiaries on each other's life insurance policies or retirement plans. I think we are both looking out for ourselves
But you are married? You
But you are married? You should at least have insurance- I think my first stop would be a financial advisor!
Did your kids live in his
Did your kids live in his home? If so, why wouldn't you pay rent? :?
50% of the time. Because the
50% of the time. Because the house was paid for and he was just making money off of me. I'm not some chick he picked up at a bar, we were engaged
WHAT? Back up sista! He
WHAT? Back up sista! He owned the house he lived in when you moved in with him and he charged you $700.00 a month in rent when he and his children were living there too?? WOW!! He's a special kind of jerk!
No offense, but this guy seems like a real asswipe. Sorry you are having to deal with his crap!
There are plenty of stepmoms
There are plenty of stepmoms here that owned their homes prior to their husbands/SOs moving in. Those men and their children are not living in those homes rent free.
well hang on, what does that
well hang on, what does that include? Is that.. share of utilities / maintenance costs, share on internet, cable, phone, and groceries?
I don't think it's *that* big a deal if the 700 is all inclusive.... SO gives me 200$ a week but it's towards everything , the only things he needs to buy are his smokes, any beer he buys, and personal belongings like hygienic supplies or new clothes. Everything else is "covered"... he doesn't have to worry about it.
ETA _ sorry, just saw your post where you said you pay for food and some other stuff. Just stop paying for it. Or stop paying for rent. A wife doesn't pay the husband rent. What's he going to do, kick you out? Oh noes.
It's either that or buy him
It's either that or buy him out on half the house. I owned my house free and clear before fiance/ now DH moved in with his own DD. You'd better believe he pays me every month half of what a normal rent would be for my house. As it turns out it is about $700. We share paying for utilities. I pay all the repairs, tax, insurance, etc that have to do with owning the house. He has no interest in buying half the house.
Why do you do these things?
Why do you do these things? Because you want to, or because you want him to acknowledge you?
Being engaged doesn't mean
Being engaged doesn't mean you shouldn't have to financially contribute to the home your children live in.
It sounds like he wants you to parent your kids and leave him to parent his.
Your SD's are probably so
Your SD's are probably so used to sleeping together that is hard to fall asleep alone.
In steplife, we stepmoms have to pick our battles. If Dad says they can sleep alone, the only thing you can do is have a conversation with him about it. Saying YOU think it's better is not going to be a good enough reason. The children keeping you awake all night is a better conversation starter.
You can also tell him that he will have to find other accommodations for his children while he is working. If you don't have any authority while he is at work and you are babysitting, you should resign as the babysitter.
Also, I think its pretty shitty to offer to pay for a vacation then expect him to reimburse you after the fact because you are upset. If that was never the agreement, you are putting him in a difficult financial position.
I don't understand why you would cook dinners, buy items, pay for vacations of your own volition and then throw it in your SO's face.
He offered to pay for half
He offered to pay for half after the fact, to be honest, I won't see a penny. He is cheap
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How can you call him cheap
How can you call him cheap when he is the only one paying the mortgage?
Where I live (NYC)mortgage\rent is the most expensive monthly expense. It's more than all of the other necessities combined.
The mortgage is equal to what
The mortgage is equal to what I pay out in other bills, he wanted to do it this way so he has one bill to pay, not multiple.
Sounds like he has, in you, a
Sounds like he has, in you, a babysitter and a purse. Why are you settling for that? What are you modeling to your children?
What am I modeling to my
What am I modeling to my children? my DH has a 3rd shift job, when he walks out the door, the kids go to sleep, it's not a big deal. He does pay the mortgage and I pay the rest, it's about even. What am I modeling to my children? A women who owns a home and has a good job and goes to work everyday while raising 5 kids, that's what.
What I was complaining about was the fact that the SDs go and knowingly ask dad to sleep together after I told them no this whole summer due to incidents of laughing all night, getting up walking around the house, getting snacks, etc. When they are together, they get ideas.
Man, you women are vicious, lol
I don't think people here
I don't think people here mean to be vicious...just defensive of stepmoms who far too often accept the short end of the stick without thinking.
Sounds like the issue is that you feel that:
1.) Your DH never feels compelled to 'treat' you - whatever the financial arrangement is, it's nice to feel treated once in a while. I pay around 80% of the household bills and other expenses at my home...but, you know what? When DH does have money, he always gets me a little something or takes me to a movie or something. Technically, I guess I'm subsidizing this since he contributes less to our household account. But it makes him feel good to take me out, pull out his card, and pay for something...and it makes me feel good, too. Sometimes, it's about the emotions, not the $$ amount. Plus, while the *amount* you're each contributing may be roughly equal...it doesn't FEEL equal. He gets the convenience/luxury of just paying one lump sum, which is always the same, allowing him to simplify his budgeting and money management and know without question what he'll have left for discretionary spending in any given month. That's a huge benefit. Meanwhile, you're the one who has to pay multiple bills and repeatedly pull out your card to pay for stuff. That doesn't FEEL fair...because it really isn't. You have to deal with remembering everything other than the one bill, deal with fluctuating expenses, and monitor your account(s) more carefully. He gets financial ease and simplicity...you get the stress. What happens when groceries go up one month because his kids are there more that month? Do you absorb all of that cost? Or does he recognize the increase and pitch in? Same with Christmas, vacations, and back-to-school? It's really not right for him to have a set, maximum monthly household contribution and for your contribution to fluctuate and be so much more complicated...I would address it with him this way. And also tell him that it would just be nice if you felt he wanted to treat you to something once in a while.
2.) You're given the responsibility of watching his kids without being allowed to set rules. That's just a big NO.
BINGO! You grasped the
BINGO! You grasped the situation exactly. Another thing is BM is a loose canyon, she is currently homeless again, we have his kids more than the 50%, which is fine, but the expenses go up. They eat a lot. While I'm at work, he is sleeping and it's a free for all with the food and everything else in the house.
The sooner he realizes that
The sooner he realizes that he can't make it up to his daughters for their mom...and certainly not by setting no rules and being the "friend dad" they text when meanie grown-up lady tries to enforce some boundaries at home...the happier your marriage will be. And the happier the kids will ultimately be, too.
With the finances thing, I totally get it. Even when DH's business is going well, he just contributes a set lump sum to our household account and I do all bill pay and budgeting. He's not good at that stuff. I've gotten to the point where I just accept that I'm better at it...and I do get some enjoyment out of monitoring our money. But it would be nice to feel like I wasn't assuming all the worry-burden...like if DH was watching the accounts and being attentive like I am. It's a whole huge area where he simply doesn't have the same level of stress as I have...he just deposits his one lump sum and forgets about it. So...yeah. I get it.
Well I think that them
Well I think that them disturbing you while they're staying in the same bed is a valid thing to put your foot down. It's not that they want to share a bed and hang out, it's that they get disruptive and it's obnoxious for you and he doesn't have to be around to deal with it. I'm sure you help keep the household quiet for him while he is sleeping after work and it's not unreasonable to expect the same consideration from him.
At the very least what should be said to the kids (by their father) is: You can share a bed, but if I hear from Skatermom that you two were making noise, you're done. Bedtime is bedtime, not playtime.
My kids sleep in the same
My kids sleep in the same bed, I honestly don't see anything wrong with it.