I answered your other blog..are you and I VERY alike? lol..

FH wants to have a child. He has two sons..one that lives with us full time (he has custody..biomom nowhere to be found) and than he has a 2yr old with a BM). I have a BD13 from a previous marriage.

FH desperately wants us to have a child, but I have alot of reservations..1) will the BM cause more drama..2) how will the children be treated..our new baby compared to the baby he already has. I've asked myself all these SAME questions.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

I really would like to know the answer to these questions as well.

biokid is loved more than he is. It will happen, believe me. It will be said, that because you have one with him, you will love the SS4 less, believe me it will happen. And, depending on what your BM is like she may even try to be the one to tell SS4 this.

However, take a look at how DH treats your daughter and that will give you some clue as to how things will go with a child between you and DH.

I'm not one to give advice more than that because I was unfortunatley raised that men never love stepchildren as much as their own and since DH and I have 5 children between us, he flat out said he did not want any children with me because "we" already have so many, so I've become rather jaded on that subject.

I know when DH and I have a baby, BM will go more nuts than she already is.

SD's are wishy washy on the situation, but they have a 5 y/o half sister at their mom's house that they have to take care of because BM doesn't bother.

DH and I's relationship shouldn't change too much. We'll be more crowded in our house, but the things we do for SD's should not change.

For example, we have a 3 br house. Finances and house market what they are, we cannot afford to buy a bigger house. We decided that when it comes to that point, baby will stay in our room until SD14 (almost 15) goes to college. We won't make SD's share a room and lose their personal space because we choose to have a baby. I don't plan on loving SD's any less, there is plenty of love to go around.

I hope all works out for you and your DH when you decide to have a little one.

but I'll tell you what comments by DH has made in regards to some of these questions and what we've talked about.

do things get easier or harder with bm when you have a bio kid? - for us, neither, except she pulls her son even further from us now, does not call or tell DH anything. But this is actually better for us.

how do you feel towards your skids after having a bkid? I don't feel any different.

Do you feel you fh loves your kids as much as skids? He loves our son more and feels a strong bond with him. I don't think this is in a comparative way though. I think its because he knows our son is his, he has bonded and taken care of him and been here everyday with him. He didn't have any of that with SS

Do you care less about what bm does, or more? In my situation, I actually care a little more. Because what she does/doesn't do about her son can have an affect on my kids as well.

some people mention that they cant wait to have their husband and their house back when skids leave, is this the same for having their their kids father back too? Don't think I understand this question.

Did having a child bring you and dh closer or put him more in the middle? (i mean by more arguing trying to keep bkids and skids happy) It has brought us closer. We both put our son as our first priority, and since SS isn't in our daily lives, this really isn't an issue for us.

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

DH has two skids (11 and 9) which we have 50/50. We also have a BD together who just turned 1. When I first met DH he was convinced he was done with the kid thing. After a while he changed his mind. Before BD came, I found it easier to disengage with the skids... I get along fine w/them, but didn't get as wrapped up in the BM drama. They weren't my kids and I let DH deal with it.

After BD arrived, I found myself more easily po'd. Angry that DHs family treated BD with indifference while the skids were coddled . Angry that BD was in all intensive purposes seen as "less than" by the court system. Suddenly I felt like BM's crazy train was relevent because it impacted my daughter. BDs financial security was threatened by BMs money grubbing ways, BDs schedule was expected to revolve around the skids schedule (which was determined around BM's work schedule). I am like a mama bear always defending BDs rights and BM is now more of a threat.

I noticed I also have less tolerence w/ skids. Now their behavioral issues are an example I do not want BD to learn. When BM teaches skids bad manners,habits etc...she is now polluting my daughter. I worry about this a lot.

BM reacted typically when news of BD hit her. She was angry and more hostile. I think that it hit her ego hard, especially because 1) she had commented that DH and I wouldn't last and 2) the skids really love me and their little sister.

There have been wonderful things as well, BD has solidified our family and I believe she is the glue that holds us together.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

Things got harder for us when it came to BM because she kept making SS (who lives with us full-time) think that the baby is going to be loved more and she keeps throwing fits. I'm just learning to ignore her.

Honestly I've never been a bg fan of my SS and now he's acting up so much more sincer we got pregnant and no matter what we do he doesn't really let up so the truth is that it's a LOT harder to get along with SS and I'm not looking forward to the situation when the baby gets here.

My DH didn't know that SS was his until SS was about 5 years old and so he's not as close to SS as most fathers are so I'm sure he's going to be closer to our baby because he gets to be a father to him from day one.

I care more about what BM does because it is going to affect my baby.

Sometimes I really wish it could be just DH, me and the baby and SS on weekends but I don't see it happening soon so I'm trying the best I can.

questions for you! Bm went bananas (more than she already was) when we had our 1st son, and it only got worse with the 2nd. I only care about what BM does as it affects MY household, other than that, I could give 2 shits less about anything she does. It used to bother me, the things she did, but I have learned to let it all go and my life has been much more pleasant since then!
As far as loving the skids more/less than our two???? Dh has, over the years, developed a much closer bond with our 2 vs the SDs. This is only b/c BM made it virtually impossible for him to bond with them anyway. Besides, SD16 is BPD and is hard to bond with anyway.
Do I like not having SD16 in my house anymore.....YOU BETCHA! I love the peace it provides. I sure hope this has helped you in some small way.

That for me, having my own BK made things a lot easier on me. It wasn't that I cared less about what the BM did, but it didn't seem to bother me as much. I always wanted my own child and having one made me lot happier. I found that the BM didn't really matter much anymore. I also knew that no matter what, BM would ALWAYS have to share me with DH :evil: ! That made me feel much better! LOL

~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~

My situation is that we got full custody of my SDnow9 when she was 6. Until then her life was pretty unstable. We tried to make her feel at home, but to this date, she feels like she is just a visitor. We recently had a baby now BD11mo and when I was preggo I had the same thoughts.

do things get easier or harder with bm when you have a bio kid?
For me it is harder. Only because SD is a bad influence. I constantly try to separate the two in making sure that BD is not observing those ways. I am always instituting manners in BD, which she has picked up well. She says thank you, but SD never says it or makes a big production when she has to say it. So, manners and morals are important to me. So raising my kid with my manners and morals that I would like to instill in BD is really hard when SD basically don't give a crap about anything. For me, it would be easiser if SD was living with her BD truthfully.

how do you feel towards your skids after having a bkid?
Like summerflowers said. I do have a slight difference of understanding with SD. Meaning, I know where she is coming from and that she is loved dearly by her dad. I can feel what he feels when she doesn't act right. However, I still get irritated by her behavior and her "mute" moments when she doesn't talk to anyone in the house or acts completely like she didn't learn the english language.

Do you feel you fh loves your kids as much as skids?
No, he loves them both the same. He has more "joyus" times with BD because she is really just a great girl so far. She says hi when you see her, and doesn't have an attitude. Whearas SD9 is getting into that age...plus combined with the fact that she just doesn't want to live with us or likes the way we do things.

Do you care less about what bm does, or more?
I care more. I'm dedicated to her like any mom would be to raise her in my best interest and with my morals and values. The great thing about it - is that I don't have to deal with any "hangups". Its a blank slate is the best way I can describe it. I know all of her intricaticies and moods, and know how to deal with them. I'm her mom. This is not saying I'm kicking SD to the curb. Its because I care more because SD doesn't allow me to care...by actually trying.

some people mention that they cant wait to have their husband and their house back when skids leave, is this the same for having their their kids father back too?
For me no. Like any parent or stepparent, we all are happy when the SD leaves the house. Since I have SD full time, I only get "breaks" on spring break, maybe Christmas, and the whole summer. So, yes I look forward to having a "mental" break from her - but that is about all. And I'll just be glad if we can get her off to college or out of the house after graduation!