Please tell me I'm not alone
New-comer here!
Just needed a place with some like-minded people possibly dealing with the same level of crazy that I am.
Been married for 8 years, love my husband and 2 SS. But BM is literally insane.
BM has primary custody, but the kids are with us about half the time. She is verbally abusive, plays the victim card like she was born for it, and creates delusional situations in which we are somehow harming her? She has harmed the kids, and they tell CPS, and GAL to no avail. Her husband has hurt the YSK- which he admitted to in court but said he lost his cool and it wouldn’t happen again – which it hasn’t with him. She has been institutionalized TWICE and diagnosed with BPD and was sort of going to therapy but stopped going and won’t take meds because she "doesn’t like it."
She blames my husband for the fact that she is isolated, alienates EVERYONE in her life, and can’t hold a job.
Been to court 4 times in 8 years. And the court won’t rule in husband’s favor for custody – even when the GAL fully recommended that the kids should be with us, considering BM's mental health. Court is worthless.
I can’t keep up with her level of crazy. I feel like I am losing my own mind. It’s always something.
#thanksforlistening
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Comments
Welcome to Steptalk!
I too have a crazy BM, Toxc Troll. She makes all kinds of things up, with all kinds of accusations to go with it.
Thats so sad that the family court is allowing your SS's to be hurt without repercussions. It just further solidfies my understanding that the court system - and society also - favors the biomothers to the detriment of the children.
I suggest reading past blogs and forum topics - you will see that you are not alone.
Welcome to the site, it
Welcome to the site, it sounds like you and DH are doing all you can, but the court system is blocking you at every turn. We had a drug addict BM, the only reason my DH got custody was because Meth Mouth went to jail several times...really that is the only way a father will ever get custody, or if the BM unalives. We were in and out of court with her for seven years. She would get arrested and the courts would give her more visitation and custody as “incentive” to do better. As your SS’s get older can they choose which parent they would prefer to live with? It wouldn’t prevent them from having to visit with BM, but at least they wouldn’t be living with her. I'm sorry the courts are failing your SS's and DH, but family court never looks out for the best interest of the kids.
Welcome!
I can relate, as mental health issues are common in my Step situation and we also battled a crazy BM in court. The outcome was predictable - Golden Uterus always outweighs the wellbeing of the kids.
For the skids,I think all you can do is strive to be the safe, calm, stable household and encourage them to think for themselves. Consistency, routine, and rational behavior are important. Don't badmouth, do ask questions that encourage critical thinking : "I'm sorry your mom said that" "How do you feel about that?" "Why do you think your mom would do that?" etc.
For your marriage, limit the amount of time BM is discussed. Insist your H protect you from the toxicity. Treat her like any other matter of business - discussed only when needed, solution-based, then tabled until next time. You should have little to no contact with her - that's your H's problem to handle.
For yourself, work on acceptance. This is who your H picked to have kids with, and everyone has to live with that, so try to do so in the healthiest way possible. Practice self care, and the art of detachment. Many of us started out steplife determined to battle in the righteous cause, wanting to "protect and save" our Hs and skids, but this isn't OUR war, or the type you win; it's the type you survive. Most BMs never lose custody or are held accountable for the harm they do. Instead, they damage their kids and/or pass on their bad genes to the next generation. We stepparents have no control over any of this, and you have to be ruthless about preserving your own mental health before you can help your H and skids.
You are not alone and you
You are not alone and you have our sympathy. Crazy bms abound and they will destroy your sanity. Protect yourself!