Ever since BM told my husband that he might not be SD8's father, I've been secretly hoping that it's true. I know, I should be hoping that it's not true because this is going to devastate my husband, who does not deserve this. But...

If my husband isn't SD8's father, BM is going to do everything in her power to completely take SD8 away from him. I know this because BM has been going crazy over the last 8 months, trying everything she can to take SD8 away from us. BM is also PAS'ing SD8 & unfortunately, it's starting to work. We just had SD8 for an entire month & my afterthought is...SD8 didn't really seem to want to be with us. It certainly didn't help that BM constantly interfered, either.

I realize that my husband isn't going to want to just let SD8 go, after being part of her life since before she was born, however, if BM does completely turn SD8 against us, what kind of relationship will he have with her? And my husband has already told me that if he's not her father & BM gets full custody, that he's NOT paying child support. (Which I told him sometimes happens, but he is adamant that it won't happen if he loses rights. I guess the court would decide this.) So if he's determined to stop financial support, then I don't see how he expects to have any kind of relationship at all.

I know, there are those of you who are wondering how SD8 is going to feel about this. And of course, my husband & I are concerned about this, too. However, I'm sure that BM will convince SD8 that it's time to find/meet her "real" dad & somehow turn my husband into the bad guy. Like I've said before, there's something a little off about SD8. I can completely see her being upset at first, but then being brainwashed by BM to see the "upside" of this situation. SD8's emotions have become almost robot-like...it's freaky.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. I wish my husband would just get the paternity test done already so we can at least put this uncertainty part behind us. If SD8 isn't my husband's child, it's going to completely change our world. I just feel awful that I can't help but LOVE the idea of our world changing like this. If SD8 wants nothing to do with us, that means we're done with BM. There would be nothing left. We might be able to live our lives without BM's constant interference, insane demands, lies, threats, etc. hanging over us. We will have our first child in February & it would be like a fresh start. I'm not saying it would be easy or without heartache, but the thought is so liberating.

I feel awful for feeling this way. I really do. But when I think about how much better, easier, less stressful our lives would be...I can't help it. This is how I've always wished things could be. When I look back on my 3 1/2 years with my husband, I can't help but think about how stressful/aggravating it's been. All due to BM. I often feel like I'm being gypped my time with the love of my life, didn't get to enjoy being newlyweds, and now not enjoying the fact that we're having a baby. This is my first child...I should be way more excited than I am. But instead, I'm waiting for all this crap in limbo to be figured out so I know whether or not I have to go back to work immediately after the baby is born. There are so many questions. And I'm a planner. I like to know what to expect/plan for. It just sucks.

If anyone read this, thanks. I just needed to get this off my chest because it's been eating at me.