I realize this is super, super long & I don't expect anyone to even read it. I just have to vent to get this out of my system!!!!

I've pretty much done a 180 on this, but I'm exhausted & I give up! I can't even remember what I posted last about my situation, but I think it was about BM trying to take us to court to take SD8 away. I was all prepared for an all-out war in court. But....my husband has had 2 rounds of mediation with BM in the last 3 weeks. The first round did not go well. BM told my husband that he either gives up SD8 or we go to court & fight it out. (This was the response we were expecting because BM won't even try to work with us.) She spewed lie after lie, pretended to be "super mom" in front of the mediator, etc. The scariest part, according to my husband, is that she showed little to no emotion whatsoever. (I keep saying...the woman has something WRONG with her! She's not right.)

Anyway, BM was super cocky & said that she WOULD win custody in court, etc. My husband's initial reaction, of course, was to go to court & fight just to wipe her smug little smirk off her face. We could probably fight & win with all the documentation we have, however, BM has made it loud & clear that she will stop at nothing to win (meaning she's going to lie & drag us & SD8 through hell just like she did to former SD11's father). After the rest of mediation went even further downhill, my husband thought about this on the 1/2 hour drive home. And he decided not to fight. He did not want to put us through that, but mostly not put SD8 through that. And also, there's a part of him that wants to see BM handle EVERYTHING from now on. BM is completely delusional. She thinks that she takes wonderful care of SD8. Hmmm...let's do a list...

Clothing -

Us: We buy SD8 new school clothes every August (for our house ONLY due to previous issues with BM hoarding our brand new clothes). We buy her school shoes, jackets, winter boots, coat, snowpants, hats, gloves, etc. We buy her summer clothes & a new bathing suit every spring (for our house ONLY).

BM: Does not buy SD8 new clothing, with the exception of a package of underwear & socks last year. God only knows the last time she bought SD8 new socks & underwear, but I can tell you it had been YEARS. (And this only occurred because my husband said something about the kids not wearing underwear from BM's house.) SD8 wears hand-me-downs from her older sister, which once worked fine, but now SD8 wears a size larger than her sister! BM doesn't understand this, so SD8 wears pants that are a size or 2 too small for her. They sometimes look painfully tight. If BM is desperate for clothes for SD8, she'll go to the thrift shop, which is fine (I sometimes shop there, too), however, she doesn't go by size, she goes by look & the clothes often are too small. BM has NEVER supplied school shoes, boots, coats, jackets, snowpants or bathing suits for SD8 unless they were hand-me-downs & then they were usually in terrible shape. She just recently started supplying hats & gloves, but that's only because someone else bought them. Yet BM thinks she's doing a bang-up job of supplying SD8 with clothing, she said so in mediation.

Hygiene -

Us: SD8 bathes every other day. She brushes her hair at least once a day. She brushes her teeth at least once a day (been working on getting her to do twice, but it's been a struggle). We get her to do routine things like cutting her nails. We usually get her hair cut because it looks better shorter & it's a million times easier to deal with.

BM: SD8 bathes *maybe* twice a week. I think it's usually once a week, sometimes not at all. (SD8 has admitted this & we can often smell it!) BM discourages SD8 from brushing her hair "because it'll break", so I doubt that happens very often. God only knows about brushing her teeth because when she comes from BM's sometimes her breath could knock someone over. BM likes long hair, therefore she does not support SD8 having the short hair style we prefer. BM would like SD8 to have dreadlocks.

School -

Us: Just like everything else, we try to get SD8 into a routine. She does her homework right after we get home & we check it to make sure she's actually doing it (because she will lie & say it's done when it's not). We check her backpack in order to make sure we get school notices. We respond to things on time & let BM know about anything important that happens on our week that might affect her or her week with SD8. We try to be somewhat active & encourage SD8 to do fundraisers & that sort of thing.

BM: SD8 usually does her homework, but it's often not completely done. There have been numerous times where homework was not done at all. BM fudges the truth, saying that SD8 has done reading homework when it has not been done (& SD8 says this is ok because she will read "over time"). BM is too busy to check up on homework, as well as checking for school papers. BM says this is SD8's responsibility & refuses to do it. SD8 usually doesn't do it, either, so school papers don't get viewed until SD8 is with us again. This often results in SD8 missing out on something & it's always "our fault". BM has no regard for our schedule & usually tells us about events the night before they happen. BM ignores school fundraisers & sticks it on us.

And these are just some everyday examples of BM's lack of parenting. But, as some people are quick to point out, we can't tell BM what to do at her house & she's not abusing SD8, so there's not really anything we can do. So this is why my husband decided to let BM have SD8 full-time. Since BM is a smug little bitch who thinks she can do everything, FINE. Let her prove it. If SD8 falls through the cracks, so what? No one cares. Besides, it's not like kids at school will pick on her for wearing clothes that are dirty & don't fit. And they certainly wouldn't tell her that she smells bad or that her hair looks like a rat's nest. And teachers don't care about homework or receiving paperwork back from parents! After all, they're not there to help shape the future of society, they're only teachers because they make the big bucks! Riiiiggghhhttt...

I was so angry with my husband for deciding this at first & I still have my moments where I wonder if it's the right thing to do. But I see where he's coming from & as his wife, I have to support his decisions. Yeah, we'll be stuck paying the ugly troll child support. I don't like it because it will put a strain on us financially. However, if it means BM leaving us alone, hell...just take the damn money! I don't care if she spends every cent on herself instead of SD8 (which she will just like she does with the child support she gets from former SD11's father). If it makes BM go away, it'll be worth the struggle.

And BM WILL leave us alone. During the last round of mediation, they reached agreements on how the schedule will work. We will have SD8 every other weekend (Friday evening through Sunday evening), half the summer & we will rotate holidays. BM gets everything else, including winter & spring vacations, Monday holidays (which she tried to "offer" to us & then was angry that my husband said no), any days school is closed, etc. BM obviously thought we'd play baby-sitter whenever there was no school because she was pissed that my husband wanted all of this in writing. Too bad, lady! Being the full-time parent means taking care of the kid *gasp* full-time! My husband only gets the major holidays off of work & due to the nature of his job, he can't take days off whenever he feels like it. So there's no point in having SD8 on her school vacations or most holidays. I, on the other hand, get every damn holiday off, including state holidays & my schedule is fairly flexible. BM knows this & is pissed. But I made it clear to my husband that I would not play baby-sitter because it's convenient for BM. Over the last couple of years, I've gotten stuck with SD8 for almost every day I've had off. It wouldn't be so bad except that SD8 is extremely co-dependent (thanks to BM) & can't do anything on her own. So my entire day is spent doing things with her or trying to get her to do something by herself. Where's MY day off?! She's not my kid, even though I love her & would gladly raise her as my own if BM wasn't in the picture. I would LOVE to have a day off & go shopping or hang out with my mom. Now I'll finally be able to!!! BM can miss work, hire a baby-sitter, put her in daycare, whatever. Not my problem anymore!

I guess I do feel a sense of relief. I keeping looking on the bright side -- there's a chance BM will do this for a little while & then realize she can't handle it. I don't know what will happen then, since BM is supposedly moving a 1/2 hour away, which means SD8 has to change schools. (This whole custody change, by the way, doesn't take effect until BM moves. At first she said the end of the school year, now she's saying possibly next year, so this might all be for nothing!) But whether it works out or not, this change will give my husband & I a chance to enjoy being married, maybe finally have enough less stress to start a family of our own. We'll see.

And if BM tries to bother us with phone calls, I'll answer the phone (she hangs up on me). If she puts SD8 up to calling, my husband can talk to SD8 & if BM comes on, he can hand the phone to me. If BM harasses him with emails, we'll cancel the email account (it's set up just for her anyway). She won't bother either of us face to face because she's too passive-aggressive. (And if she ever did, there are restraining orders) If the pick-ups/drop-offs become an issue, I'll go with my husband because she hates me & will avoid talking. And any time she mentions needing money for this or that, we'll remind her that that is what CHILD SUPPORT is for. I'm sure it's not that cut & dry, but we'll do our damnedest to fight her squeezing more money out of us. For Pete's sake, my husband makes less money than she does! If she wants SD8 to go to a "private" school years from now, she can come up with the money. If she wants SD8 to go to a $300/wk summer camp, she can pay for it! We're not wealthy people & I'll be damned if we can't pay our bills because BM wants to prove she's not white trash by giving her kids things she can't afford.

*sigh* Venting over for now! If anyone read this, you deserve an award!