Just want to cry..........
I can't take it anymore. BM's nonsense just doesn't seem to end. It's one thing after another. She emails my husband several times a week (sometimes several times a day), with the premise of trying to iron out this whole mediation agreement, but really it's just her being an asshole. She is calling all the shots & expecting my husband to agree with whatever she wants. If he disagrees, she just makes up a million excuses why her way of doing things is "best for SD8", threatens him, puts guilt trips on him, etc. Then of course, she calls --or has SD8 call-- every fricken Thursday before we have SD8 (our last night of alone time). We rarely answer, but still, it's annoying. We have to remember to put Vonage on "do not disturb" from now on.
I know what the solutions are here. Cancel the email accounts (yes, that's plural because the bitch found out that he had 2 accounts, one to deal with her & one that was supposed to be private) & ignore her calls unless it's an emergency. But with her moving & the custody of SD8 changing, there are really basic things that need to be ironed out. This should be really simple, but BM is making into this huge production, dragging on for months. It's pathetic. I wish my husband would just tell her off already; make it clear that he's done with her nonsense. But he won't. He's too damn nice & I hate it right now! I would not be so nice! I had enough of BM's crap years ago. If it had been up to me, she wouldn't be doing this right now. Our lives are so stressful it's not even funny. I'm sure BM isn't the least bit stressed.
There is just so much that I hate about all of this. The anger & frustration is overwhelming. How do I get away from this? I wish my husband would just not tell me anything anymore. Make whatever deals with the devilwoman he has to & I'll just have to live with it. (He's already agreeing to things I completely disagree with, but when I mention what I think he gets mad. I have to live with the decisions, too!)
To make matter worse, I'm pretty sure that I'm pregnant. I'm having a blood test done this week. I'm so tired all the time & my emotions are running wild...I feel like having a good cry tonight. I'm so tired of the BM crap. I have no idea what is going to happen. With my husband having to pay the bitch child support starting soon, his income is going to be awful. Without the child support coming out, we could have made it on just his paycheck. But now, no way. So I'm going to have to still work somehow. I don't want to shove my kid in daycare. It's not fair that I had dreams, too, and what will happen to them? Do I have to forget about them just because I married a guy who made the mistake of getting a complete bitch pregnant when he was young, desperate & stupid?! I know life isn't fair. I learned that a long time ago. But come on! BM gets EVERYTHING she wants. All I've ever wanted was to find a good guy, buy a house & have a family. And now that I might actually have all of those things, it would be nice to enjoy them! Without constant headaches, stomachaches, knots of tension in my neck/back, eye twitching, etc. I know if I let her get to me, she wins. But what do you do when BM is completely unreasonable? When she constantly interferes in your life? A restraining order? (Which we might have to do.) How do you just ignore the nonsense when it's always being thrown in your face?
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Our only communication with
Our only communication with BM is certified mail and on the rare occasion she will leave a message. Now mind you in the beginning she was psycho and would call and rant over the machine, but after not interacting and engaging with her for awhile she started to slow down and it is only on rare occasion now. I mean you can't fight with yourself right? Iron those little things out in a certified mail, through a mediator or the court. If she cannot act civil and continues to harass her that needs to be addressed as well. Your husband needs to take care of his responsibilities (BM and SD) and you need to leave it alone, it isn't worth the stress to you. If you step back and don't get involved he won't have much other choice. I did this and it took a few weeks but it did work. Good luck to you........
Communication is my issue right now...
I feel your pain... although my case seems to be "easier" than yours... I too feel like crying... Sometimes I feel that is ALWAYS BM's way... And DH is not very nice with her, but he "goes with the flow" and that is what has me pulling my hair off...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Poor girl...I SOOOOO feel
Poor girl...I SOOOOO feel your pain and know COMPLETELY what you're going through!!
It's tough, we got pregnant on our ONE month anniversary and she did nothing but make my wonderful pregnancy HELL and had me sick as a dog every second. And took us to court within ONE month of my C-section and got MORE money from my husband's check.
Now, we're barely getting by, but I do not want to leave my baby to go work so she can sit and mooch off of us. So, we cut back: no cell phones (hard, but we got used to it and like the NO disturbances. Only have a land line-she does NOT have the number and I change it every 6 months, NO cable-tough, but it's better off anyway and I get more done w/o it, very little eating out-I cook more and even got down to a size 0 again after 4th baby, only ONE car-THIS is very tough, but we make do...) the sacrifices she makes us endure nearly killed me at first-that whole pride issue..."Why does SHE get all these things and I DO NOT deserve them.." But now that's been year like this, I am growing used to the new lifestyle and learning to be happy with less. I am even growing my first garden...you know....so my family can have food that she can't take 50% of.
Hang in there. Change your number; tell her you can't afford a phone and she contact you via email from now.
petitesphinx....
You really do know what I'm going through! I appreciate your input because it's great to hear how others are coping. I wanted to comment on a few things...
I can only imagine how BM is going to react to the news if it's true. Not that I care, but I do foresee her being even more obnoxious...because now she can't hold the "I have a kid with him & you don't" card over me. (Though I'm sure she'll make it clear that she had a kid with him FIRST. lol. Loser.) I'm sure BM will tell SD8 that we'll love the new baby more than her, etc., etc. That's definitely BM's style.
My husband & I have done the math & there is NO WAY we can live on his paycheck alone. I did the math a while ago & we could have squeaked by on just his salary, but now with child support coming out, nope! And if he gets a raise or takes a second job, it means more money for BM. (And there's no way he's getting a large enough raise to cover what we need, even though he deserves it.) So I have to figure out how to make some money from home (or work in the evenings or on weekends when my husband could take care of the baby, but we really don't want to do that because I'm sure I'll be exhausted & it'll mean seeing each other less). I'm racking my brain trying to come up with something! I guess we'll do whatever we have to do. But just like you, I don't want to work & leave the baby in daycare. I wouldn't have kids if I knew it would have to be that way.
As far as expenses go, we've been "cutting back" for years! (Not that we were big money wasters in the first place!) When we started saving for our house, we cut back as much as we could & we're still living this way. Neither of us have a cell phone. We have DSL & use Vonage, which even combined ends up being cheaper than having a landline. We don't have cable or satellite. We do have Netflix, which is like $18/mo, but we'll probably cancel that. We RARELY eat out. Like maybe once a month & it's under $30. We make meals at home all the time. When I buy groceries, I shop the sale flyer & use coupons. Next year we will plant a garden...we didn't do it this year because we just moved into the place & had too much going on. I considered only having one vehicle, but since where we live is really rural, I don't think it would work out. Plus, both vehicles are paid off & insurance isn't very much. We're really good about what we spend. We look for ways to conserve energy & save $$$. We don't even go on vacation!
I definitely have been dwelling on the "why does she get all of this while I have to pinch pennies & struggle". But in a way it does make me proud. I CAN pull this off (somehow!). BM is a worthless human being who lives off having kids with different men. She's been supposedly working a full-time job for the last year, but we're wondering how much longer she'll do this. This is the first time she's ever worked full-time AND this is the longest she's ever held a job. (She's almost 30) It would be one thing if she spent the last 11 years taking care of the kids, but no. They've been in daycare all that time while she "worked" & then went to college for 4 years (paid for by our tax dollars, btw). She loves to tell people how hard she worked, and I'm sure she believes that she did work hard, but honestly, she spent most of her college time socializing, partying, drinking, going from person to person...she never tried to hide that. All while having child support (from child #1's father) & tax dollars pay for housing, food, daycare, health care, college, etc. Sickening! This is what's wrong with our society!
And at this point, we ONLY want contact via phone (we can always block calls) & if she gets out of hand, file a restraining order. Email does not work! She abuses it & sends my husband several emails a week. My husband dreads checking his email, but worries if he doesn't check it there might be something important. (I say if it's truly important, she'll call.) Email will be the first thing to go as soon as the mediation agreement is done. It will eliminate a large amount of our stress.
I feel ya
My SS's BM does the constant email thing...on the premise of "what's best for SS" and it always ends up her griping at us for whatever has pissed her off today...or revealing that she's learned something new about our lives...or just making stuff up and acting like it's true so she can make a huge deal about it (for example, I've supposedly been pregnant at least 8 times in the past five years, according to how many times BM has flown off the handle over pregnancies that never existed).
If you are looking for some advice, this is what I suggest... it sounds like you need to put some distance between yourself and BM. If she emails your DH, don't read it. If he starts to bring up something she has done or said, tell him sweetly that you really don't want to know. Don't be a bitch about it, just try to change the subject. Maybe you could address with him that unless it's a decision that includes you, you would rather he please just keep you out of it altogether. When SD brings up BM, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the "smile and nod". Just try to let it slide off your back.
I used to lay awake at night trying to fall asleep, and find myself thinking up situations that might come up and what I'd like to say to BM. I would get myself so worked up over something that hadn't even happened! After I put a little more distance between myself and the situation, I was able to get my mind off of it and sleep better. My stress level went waaay down. I actually didn't know how stressed out I stayed about BM until a few weeks of peace made me realize how much better I felt. I still have the same reaction every time I see her name pop up on messenger or in my email inbox - my heart jumps into my throat, my blood pressure goes way up, and I get a headache. I can't believe I let myself be like that for years before I finally said enough!
If you are pregnant, it is even more important that you get a hold of the situation and reduce your stress level. Even after the peace of not directly dealing with BM, I still developed gestational hypertension last year and am having to watch my BP very carefully with this pregnancy. I wouldn't want anyone to go through the hospital stays and fear of preeclampsia/toxemia like I'm having to deal with again.
Sorry this is so long, I just really feel sympathy for you. I hope I've helped at lest a little.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*