Update
Seems like every day lately is another chapter in the drama...
First, had a talk with SD and sponge last night, he doesn't want to live with his mom, says that she is a psyco bitch, manipulative and controlling (his words). He wants to get his life together, start doing something and move forward. I again stated my reservations about trusting him, but was willing to listen. Please don't slam me too bad but I agreed to let him move back in with the following conditions which we actually wrote up as a contract that him and I both signed:
1. He will pay $300 rent each month, no exceptions, no excuses, first missed payment and he is out.
2. He will leave my house, no longer than 5 months from the date of move in. Again, no exceptions, no excuses.
3. He will perform any and all household duties assigned to him, no exceptions, no excuses.
4. This contract can be terminated at any time by me without cause.
I told them both, he is not my responsibility, I'm sorry that his family is the way that it is but no more sleeping until 3:00 in the afternoon, you had better show me that you are trying to get jobs and make your own way in the world, you had better make me a believer or you will be asked to leave.
SD and sponge did get up yesterday morning and spent the day returning job applications that they had picked up the day before. I saw the stack of completed apps before they left to return them.
I want to help this kid, but I will not help him if he doesn't start to help himself. Maybe I'm making a mistake again but I keep thinking that if he gets his act together and in ten years tells me that I was the factor that made him wake up and do something with his life that it will be worth it. Am I wrong?
So..., on to SS, his BM (my wife) may finally be seeing the writing on the wall, a lot of things have been happening with him that just didn't add up, I was suspectful of it all but she seemed to be doing what she always does with him, sweeping it under the rug and enabling him to continue with the behavior, I have been very quiet and aloof from her the last couple of weeks because of it, figuring I would just ride it out until he leaves for school and hopefully out of our hair for at least a little while. Anyway, she asked me if we could sit down and talk last night and I figured I was in for a battle over SS again, seems that she has found out quite a few things over the last few days and has hit the end of her rope with him, or at least she says:
1. There has been a guy from where he works calling the house and even showing up to "visit" SS. This guy is about 30 yrs old. Wife happened to pick up the phone while SS was talking to this guy and heard the guy asking SS if "he could get any" and SS gave him a name and address of one of the kids we know is a dealer.
2. SS has been leaving for work about an hour early every night, he says he just likes to get there early. She was where he works the other day and noticed that the guy above was parked right next to SS. She thinks that he leaves early so they can get high before going in to work.
3. One of SS friends, someone that he routinely hangs out with, has been to our house often, has been telling us and everyone else that he is leaving to join the marines soon. Wife found an article in the paper, this friend has been busted for possession with intent to distribute and is going to prison, not the marines.
4. State police called the house about a week ago, wanting SS to come in for questioning. Wife went with him and was beside herself because they would not let her in the room with SS while he was being questioned, would not tell her what it was about. I told her that he is 19 now, an adult, and they will treat him like an adult whether you like it or not. The only info she got was what SS told her and he said they just wanted to know if he knew anyone that was dealing in the area. Wife found out somehow that what they were really questioning him about was a robbery that happened a couple of weeks ago, where the thiefs stole drugs from someones house.
5. He has been going out on dates with what he said was a girl he met at work, very vague about her name and details. Wife found out that he is actually seeing a girl that he used to date, she is a known drug user, is under age (he is 19) and he has been lying to BM about the whole thing. (FYI his BF was arrested and jailed three times during the course of their marriage for sexual misconduct with a minor)
She says that she is going to pick up two drug tests, one for SS one for SD. She says that if SS tests positive that she will be the one to lay down the law and says that she will throw him out. I told her that she didn't need to be the bad guy, that I would since I was the one that gave him the ultimatum to stay clean or get out. She says no, this is something that I need to do. She said I'm tired of my kids getting every advantage that they need to make a good life for themselves and throwing it all away because they are lazy or doing drugs, this is it, I've had it, if he doesn't come back clean I don't care where he goes but he isn't living here anymore.
I was a little surprised, not what I am used to from her and still have my reservations. I hope that she will stand firm and follow through with this, but I wouldn't bet any money on it. Stay tuned...
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Comments
wow..
All I can say is wow. And to advise you to support your wife no matter what. If she really does kick him out, she'll need lots of reassurance that she did the right thing. And you need to be there for all the self doubt and guilt (because there will be a lot of both!).
I must say steamed.. that you are a really strong man and husband to put up with all of this drama for so long. Your wife is a very lucky woman..
And finally, I think the contract you drew up for SD's bf is good. I think everyone deserves a second chance. But if he doesn't follow the rules, then you have to follow through and kick him out. Being another person in his life to enable him isn't going to work. And if he does get kicked out of your house again.. he may still yet come back in 10 years and thank you. Sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom before you can start for the surface.
Hang in there..
Stepup
I'll see that WOW and raise you a HOLY CRAP!
Well, I'm extremely sorry to hear that SS is apparently not getting himself together, but I am so happy to hear that your wife is finally seeing the light. I think you should support that woman 100% so that she has the willpower to follow through on her threat. I don't know if it'll sound any different coming from her, but at least she'll know that she did SOMETHING other than enabling him when the state police finally inform you one day that he's either dead or in jail. What if HE is being investigated? What if he is arrested in your home or in your automobile on drug charges? Do you want your home, your car to be forfeited and put up for govt. auction?! Hell, no.
I was all for giving Spongebob the boot, but I think you are a hellavu guy for giving him a chance and I like the contract. Hopefully, it'll give him a foothold that he can use to pull himself the rest of the way out of his hole. Let's just hope he does that, instead of dragging himself (and SD!) further down.
Keep us posted. I follow your posts because your SS sounds a whole lot like my step-brother. Someone should've booted my step-brother out of the receiving line a long time ago.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Anne 8102
Don't worry, on this one she will have my support 150%
Hi Steamed
I'm like Anne and I tend to follow your stories b/c your ss sounds like my ss, and he is only 13. I don't think he is into pot/drugs yet, but his mother does smoke pot in front of him, so it won't be for too long.
Anyhow, I'm going to give you my 2cents.
On the sponge...I think it's okay to draw up a contract and set serious boundaries, and try to show this poor kids another way of living his life, providing your wife is really going to support you. Right now, you won't be able to tell if it will be a waste of your time or if it will really make a difference in his life. What you need to think of is...you are trying to give this kid a chance, if he takes your advice and does well for himself...great. If not, it won't really be a waste of your time b/c you demonstrated for him that there is at least 1 person in the world that functions. Hopefully everything you show him will sink in, and that will be really rewarding. 5 months isn't forever either. I have my fingers crossed for you.
On ss, I have been hoping you and your wife really send this kid packing. Your marriage is really suffering. I was really pleased to hear that your wife really wants to be the one to confront him on his behavior. I have been having doubts about her supporting you (just based on my experiences, and the struggles you have posted). As far as your wife, stepup is totally right, she is going to have some self doubt when she gives this kid the boot, and no matter what she has done to enable him in the past, when she gives him the boot, you must verbally support her every chance you get. Remind her daily she did the right thing.
One thing that I did recently when my dh sent our ss packing, is I let him know that I was bitter about him not doing things in the past to prevent all the drama ss and biobitch put us through. I am still bitter about it. My therapist really advised me heavily not to be criticizing him right now, that he does really need my support about sending ss packing. He had self doubt, and really wasn't sure at first if he did the right thing. He did. And everyday I thank him for saving our marriage, and making our home peaceful again. And just the few words of "thank you.." and "I feel so much more at peace.." really reinforces to my dh that he did the right thing.
I really hope your wife sends him on his way to let him experience life without enablers. I hope that your ss pulls himself together too before he gets deeper into legal troubles too. I'm crossing my fingers for you!!
Hang in there Steamed! And thanks for keeping us posted.
Candice
I agree that your wife...
Needs to be the one to step up to the plate with you right behind her coat tails making sure she doesn't waver or retreat. Reason being is that the enabling parent has had enough and a resounding message needs to be sent. You said your piece, you put your foot down, they disrespect you and your rules that were agreed and set in place, therefore consequences need to be put forth in full force... but she has to stay commented too, and I think she is a weak pawn in this.
What has happened is that the SS is manipulating the situation into his advantage because he thinks he's pretty sneaky- a common trait among drug addicts. But, they don't know how to cover their tracks so to say, very well because they never think clearly, ever. Sadly, I was afraid of this, but hopeful that you could change things around. To me, there is a clear violation of the rules that were put in place, and it's time for Military 101. I'd send the boy packing to a rehab center. There is no other way around it. If you want him to have respect for himself and others, that's about the only place he'll learn it... but he has to come to a breaking point in order to really fully admit and accept the process. Otherwise, he'll just end up in the same pattern- forever.
For one thing, the drug testing has to be done on the spot, no hints of when, where, in the middle of the night if need be, no first of the month... whenever I say it will happen, hell, I'd be walking in the place of work, "can you take a little break" sorta deal.
My thoughts on all of this is this boy is not your problem anymore. He made his bed, he must lie in it and his mother is seeing the light. I'd continue to stay distant and let this come to a full head, then step in. I'd even go as far without directly eluding that you guys 'know', suspect or have put the pieces together, but a stern reminder has to be made with this kid of the rules, reasons and consequences on a regular basis. Remind him of what the violation consequences are so that there is no excuse for him to say "he didn't know." Make him repeat it to you. Then, when there's hard evidence, act on those consequences.
Be a person of little words, but strong words, with full action. When you put your foot down, you put your foot down, there is no room for compromise. Otherwise, it's like a dog who can smell fear, and if they can sense any wafering... your wife... then it will fail. I have been following your story, and I really think tough love is necessary in both cases. While your SD's BF is not your responsiblity, offering him help is one thing, but one strike, your out should be the rule of thumb for both of the boys- set an example if you have to with the SS. He is an adult. You offered your help, he made his choice, it's now time to "buck up, buckaroo".
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...